Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AngelaMia, Oct 8, 2007.

  1. difficult child just called. He hasn't gone back to his program since Friday. He's been getting high. He won't tell me where he is. He doesn't want to go back because he's high right now and he's afraid he's going to be arrested. I talked to the program and they said they haven't called the police but he has 9 years hanging over his head and he has a probation appointment on Wednesday. His first one.

    I TOLD them he couldn't be unsupervised. I TOLD them you cannot take someone from jail, put them in an in-patient psychiatric hospital and then just let them go. What did they think would happen?

    He said he wouldn't go back tonight. I told him if he won't I can't help him anymore. I'm waiting for the call back to see if they will accept him. Once I told him I wouldn't help him anymore, he accepted that he has to go back tonight.

    I was tempted to look on-line for something to clean his urine. I can't face him going to jail until he's 30 for smoking pot. I just can't. I also can't aid and abet him. It would send the wrong message and I've been doing it for years.

    He told me that it's been the worst week of his life. Having his "father" walk out on him without saying good-bye. No explanaion, no nothing. He's horrified at what it has done to me. Now I feel so guilty that I let my pain show. I should have thought about what it would do to him.

    They called. He can go back in the program. He is TERRIFIED they are setting him up. What choice does he have? Continue to run? He won't tell me where he is and he says he will be here in 20 minutes. I will take him back and I will hold his hand. I am stronger now, but I am still his mom.
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    You have to try and remain calm. I know that he has some major issues---but you also taught him right from wrong. It was his choice to use. It was his choice to not return when he should have. If he is terrified now, he knew it was wrong to begin with. My difficult child use to always feel guilty after the fact. They can't go through life this way! Our sons have to learn to think of consequences before impulsively doing what they want because they want. You can't do anything now but encourage him to do what he needs to do to help himself. Big Hug!
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Deep breaths.

    Don't you feel guilty for showing pain. You had every right to. Stop taking responsibility for him feeling bad. He owns his feelings, you do not, and you cannot make someone feel this way or that way.

    Encourage him to do the next right thing. It is always better than the alternative. Show him a good example; do not get him a "clean drop" kit. He has to face this. He may not learn otherwise.

    Hugs to you. Prayers for him.
  4. DFrances

    DFrances Banned

    How old is he and what program is he in? There may be good reason he does not want to go back.
  5. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    Oh no, I'm so sorry!!! I agree with everyone else. You have to encourage him to do the right thing and go back to the program. Hopefully this scare with discourage him from taking chances again. Sending positive thoughts...
  6. branbran

    branbran New Member

    Oh honey, I am so sorry. Your pain and sorrow is so evident in your words. You are in a tough spot. I can only imagine how heartbreaking this is for you. It is very hard to let go and allow your child to reap what they sow, so to speak. As a mom your natural instinct is to protect and save him. Unfortunately there is only so much as parents we can do, at some point they must be the ones to step up and take responsibility for their actions or lack thereof. ALOT easier said than done, I struggle with that alot, I always pick up my daughter's pieces. Even though I know it really does no good for her, it just makes me feel better. Parenting these children can sometimes be a total nightmare. Most of the time actually!!! The emotional roller coaster we must ride daily is exhausting. I feel for you.

    Hang in there. I will keep you and your boy in my prayers. God bless. :smile:
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Dagnabit. I replied earlier today but it doesn't show up.

    Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please don't put the blame on yourself for his failure. You have a right to your pain. You even have a right to let him know you're hurting because of the actions of his father and even his actions. He's not a little boy that needs sheltering, he's a young man that abused you in the past. He does not have the right to put the blame on you.

    Hopefully, he has gone back to the program. You're doing the right thing by holding his hand and being there for him. You can't do any more than that.

    No matter what, you sound so much stronger today. In pain, but stronger. We're here. If you start to falter or need a hand, we're here.

  8. I took him back last night. He was scared, but went willingly. I am going to work today and getting on with my life. Amazingly enough, I didn't even cry.

    I asked him, before he smoked, didn't he think of the 9 years hanging over he head and he said that he did, but he was in so much pain that it was either suffer or escape for a while. I told him it's his responsibility when he feels that bad to tell his doctor that his medications AREN'T working. been there done that.

    I find myself wondering if life will always be a struggle for him. Bipolar has done a number on my life, will it be the same for him? Many, many times I have thought of ending my life, but I never did because of him. What does he have to hold onto?

    Ugh, I'm tired. I feel better because I was strong this time, but I'm tired of this.
  9. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member


    I'm so sorry.
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm so glad he went back, and yes his life will always be a struggle for him. He will fight drug addiction for the rest of his life, but you cannot do it for him. I got really scared when I saw you say you were thinking of something to clean his urine. You cannot do that. You have to realize, and I am saying this as the mother of a drug addict, doing something like that could be killing him. The worse thing you can do is protect him from this. If you protect him from this, he could just take off and be living on the streets. I know you don't want to see him in jail, but what is the alternative if he isn't ready to seek help.

    You have to remember at all times that enabling him and protecting him could kill him. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it is a fact.

    I'm glad you are going to work. Please stay strong and do what you need to for yourself.
  11. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Also sending you cyber hugs


    I'm so sorry. I know you are worried sick. At least he went back to the program.

    I also agree with Karen, don't help him cover up any drug use.

    Keeping my fingers crossed he stays with it and doesn't leave again.
  12. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    you did the right thing and so did he. hope the program realizes he wants to be good. they have problem come across this before.

    never feel guilty about showing your feelings. it is the honest thing to do esp when the kids are older like your son. I can see being strong for a young child but not him.

    TYLERFAN New Member

    You are in my prayers.

  14. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member


    I bet you are tired. You did the right thing, sweetie.
    I hope your son realizes how close he just came to being put away for a long time.

    My oldest difficult child is in a halfway house and if he doesn't comply he could be put away for a long time too. It's one of those wait and see places we live in...limbo, wondering hoping etc.

    I hope you are better today.
    What happend after your son got to the program...has he called you and told you of any consequences?

  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I ditto the above. Jail is not good but the alternative is worse if he is not willing to seek treatment. been there done that
  16. difficult child quit his job today. Called me from a friend's car and said he was going to "hang out". Oh NO, you are NOT! I made him come here and I asked him what the hell is going on. The stuff that poured out of him broke my heart.

    Life is hell, life will always be hell. He is never happy, doesn't believe he has the capacity to be happy. Nothing good ever happens, everytime he tries at something he fails - what's the point in trying anymore. At least in jail he won't be disappointed. He won't work the program because it won't make any difference. It won't help him because nothing can help him. The only way he can escape the pain is pot. I have no response.

    Bipolar. This miserable, miserable, MISERABLE illness that has made me feel the same way for 40 years has got such a grip on him that he cannot see any way out. I can so relate to that. There has to be some help for him somewhere. He CANNOT give up.

    I am sucked back in, knowing my son is suffering. I know he has made stupid choices, but I am emailing his DMHAS Clinical Director NOW and I want answers. I want to know WHY he was not medically screened properly for his medications. I want to know WHY they left him on the same medication he was on when he attacked me. I know I am placing the blame where it doesn't belong, but I need to PUUUUSSSSSHHHHH to get them to help him with the medications. There are so many out there but they seem so reluctant to try them. Always the same standard answers. Screw 'em. If they won't take care of it, I'll take him to my own psychiatrist and pay for it out of pocket.
  17. Sondar

    Sondar New Member

    I don't know the whole story here but I understand fear when they're being irrational. I had a phone call tonight from my difficult child that left me speechless, his thinking is so messed up.

    Try to stay calm as you make decisions. Do you have a trusted friend you can bounce things off of?
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I can understand your anger. I dont understand how the system can release your son from jail to a mental health hospital and then just drop him into some flop house where he has no basic supervision when he is so obviously not ready to handle that. I thought for sure he was supposed to be in some sort of treatment facility for quite some time. That was what he needed.

    I can also understand the frustration with the medication fiascos. When Cory attempted suicide in July the ER let him walk out and come home but sent the deputies to come get him the following morning to do a 72 hour hold on him. He didnt even stay a good 24 hours in the psychiatric ward. The shrink in all her wisdom decided he wasnt a threat anymore and released him back to ME, without even talking to me, and didnt even put him on any medications. Within a week he was doing all the forgeries on my checks which are what have him in so much trouble right now with the felonies that I have had to charge him with. Nice huh? If that hospital had done its job and kept him and medicated him maybe, just maybe, he wouldnt have done the felonies.

    I hope you can get something done for your son. Keep calling up the chain and raise some cain. Sometimes you have to scream the loudest.
  19. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Angela, I dont know much of your story but in reading your posts about your son and his goin awol from his program and pouring his heart out to you about how his life is miserable reminds me of my son. He has done the same exact things and said the same exact things. I do believe that he feels that way but I also know that they manipulate the situations with thier woes. Poor me poor me, I quit my job because I am sad I need to get high because I am sad. They use it to their advantage. Dont fall for it, He knows he is sick, he knows what buttons to push to get you to feel bad for him. My son complains and complains, I actually just posted a bit ago about his depression, he goes in and out of it daily.
    Do not let your son use his illness and addiction to make excuse for his life and his problems or use it to give himself permission to screw up.

    Love him, support him, get his medications regulated but dont let him use this to make you feel bad for him.

    Sorry I know you love him I love my son too, he is bipolar he is a drug addict and he has used every excuse in the book when he would get high or when he would get in trouble it was always because he was miserable and his life sucked. Well do something about it.

  20. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    "Life is hell, life will always be hell. He is never happy, doesn't believe he has the capacity to be happy. Nothing good ever happens, everytime he tries at something he fails - what's the point in trying anymore. At least in jail he won't be disappointed. He won't work the program because it won't make any difference. It won't help him because nothing can help him. The only way he can escape the pain is pot. I have no response."

    I have heard this sooooooo many times from my difficult child. For a long time I listened. Then I really listened and what I heard was "I want to do what I want to do...and as long as you protect me and let me use you I will." My difficult child only did this when he was really depressed and he was only really depressed when things got hard or when he was in trouble.

    You have so much on you right now I don't know how in the world you are holding up! You need to work on detachment---he's going to do what he's going to do. If he wants to go to prison---he will get there. Just don't let him drag you down with him!
    Stop answering the phone. Stop communication for the next few days. I know it's have to stand back and get a good perspective.

    HUGS from one tired warrior mom to another.