OMG OMG OMG It's worse than I thought

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, Jul 22, 2010.

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  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Well, we haven't been given the 'official results' of the investigation. But the nurse had to get my permission to take Kanga for a full gyn exam because it wasn't just oral... it sounds like it was actual intercourse. Course, the exam will be 5 days after the 'act' so I'm not sure what they will be able to find. They are also going to test for STDs.

    How th H E double hockey sticks does a kid in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) get the opportunity of time and space to accomplish that? ESPECIALLY WHEN I WARNED THEM THAT SHE WOULD BE SEEKING OPPORTUNITIES TO DO THINGS LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Each time I talk to a staff person they seem to be waiting for me to explode. Partly I am still in shock and partly I want to wait for the results of the complete investigation before I respond. Certainly screaming at them won't unring this bell and she is so determined to be a **** that when they tighten her supervision she will either just do it in front of staff or she'll run. Short of putting her in a locked Residential Treatment Center (RTC), we cannot keep her safe from herself. When we had her in the all girls Residential Treatment Center (RTC), she just did it with a girl instead.

    She is so delusional - she told the investigator that they did not have sex but then described what they did -- and it was sex. She has had sex ed over and over and over because she refuses to grasp the basics. She lives in her own little world and heaven help us if we try to point out the consequences (STDs, pregnancy, ruined reputation, etc) because either she is happy about them or refuses to admit that the consequence exists for her.

    She has totally rejected our family and our family values. Right now, I cannot stand being her mom. I am ashamed for her to have our name.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Wow, JJJ. I am sorry.

    FWIW, you've done all you can and more for this child, and there is no shame in that.

    Many hugs to you. I know you are hurting.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hang on- I feel your pain but don't panic. I'm sure this feels horrible and you have a tone of mixed emotions going thru you right now. But you know how she is and it was bound to happen one way or another. Wait and see what the tests say. Please don't blame it all on her. I was raped by an uncle at 15yo and swore to people that it was consensual- I''m not saying that K didn't consent, only that minors honestly don't "get" what is going on with them until; they are older and have adequate treatment. Stand back- this is not something that can't be dealt with. My best friend from elementary school got pregnant at 13yo and to this day is married to the father. I know you feel horrible and disgusted, but you'll get thru it- you don't even know if she has a disease at all or if she's pregnant. Just stand back and breath- you can do this. ((HUGS))
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Thanks Shari - I try to hold onto that thought.

    Klmno- This way definitely not rape (unless she raped the boy??). This boy is also a mentally ill minor. She wants sex and aggressively pursues it. Best I can piece together from her comments is that this boy had a long time girlfriend and Kanga got him to dump her by promising him some action.

    Her having a disease isn't what would disgust me. It is (a) having sex at 15 (b) having sex with a boy she just met a few weeks ago (c) this is a different boy than she was suspended from school for mutual masturbation in class two months ago (d) once again, it was in public with an audience (e) her desire to continue to do this and more (yes, she thinks group sex would be cool -eeewwww, so wish she hadn't shared that)

    Thank God she is on the pill so 99% not pregnant.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. She is just so determined to act on every sexual impulse that it is likely going to be impossible to prevent her from finding some way to do it. The staff clearly did NOT take what you told them for the truth. They may have many parents who overreact and/or overstate what their kids do, so they have not been anywhere NEAR as vigilant as they should have been. If she has a disease they will have to take care of it. If she is pregnant they will have to deal with that too. They had better come up with a very clear program to keep her supervised in the future so that this does not happen. Clearly "eyes on supervision" is not what it sounds like. If she does end up pregnant make SURE that someone at the top of the food chain for this Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and for the state hears about it and how shameful it is that it happened while she was in the custody of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) AND on "eyes on supervision".

    Do not let yourself stress too much about this. It could be worse. She could have had a couple of kids by now. You are doing an AWESOME job of parenting an unparentable, delusional child who has very little concept of reality. Let the people who allowed this to happen stress about it and deal with the aftermath. Just be sure to let them know that they cannot just kick her out or send her home because it was THEIR stupidity that made it so easy for her to do this.

  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I realize it wasn't rape- but iI would bet my last few pennies that she doesn't get it. Really. I didn't have half the history she does and I didn't get it. Please don't turn your back on her for this. I swear, I really do understand your side of this- But I also understand that she doesn't get it. I'm not suggesting that you condone this or act like it's ok with you, just that you refrain from showing shame for her in front of her.
  7. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Hugs to you, JJJ. :(

    If she's dead set on pursuing this course, perhaps an implant for BC would be a better option than the pill?
  8. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'm sorry K, this clearly brings up some memories for you. I know that some teens have sex, while I find it terribly sad, I wouldn't 'turn my back' on a child of mine who did that. This is WAY beyond any normal teen experimentation.

    And I am required by the power of law to stay involved with her life including monthly visits until she turns 18. Even if I really, really wanted to walk away, I couldn't or we'd lose her funding and she'd be kicked out of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Last Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff said the next two years were going to get a whole lot worse with her, but I don't think they knew how quickly their words would become true.

    Susie - "parenting the unparentable" I like that, it sums it all up nicely. I feel so lucky in some ways, by the grace of God we got the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)-grant when she was 13 and she had spent the previous 3 months in a psychiatric hospital. If she had spent the last 2+ years at home, there would have been no way to supervise her 24/7 and she would have destroyed the others - both by her direct abuse and by making our family a mockery in our town. No one would have allowed their kids to play with mine. Heck, I don't allow my younger three near Kanga!!

    We are in the process of getting her the birth control implant. It will last until she is 19. It is the best we can do to try and keep her horrid choices from impacting an innocent child. I told husband we need to budget so that every 3 years we can pay her to have it done again - until she is 50!!
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is the only way I know how to phrase it, J. Thanks to help from some adults in his life who were dealing with their own problems and resentments, Wiz was unparentable also, at least for us. There is absolutely nothing, not one single thing, that you could do that would make a difference in how Kanga behaves. She is largely unreachable, in my opinion, at this point at least. The delusions, possible hallucinations, and magical thinking are too strong for reality to get through. At least magical thinking is what I think believing she can have all the sex she wants and just "choose" not to get an STD is.

    She most certainly would have destroyed the other kids if she was still in your home. Chances are she would have turned her attentions to at least one of the other kids, if not all of them. She also would have tried to lead them in some kind of revolt against you, or would have killed one or all of you. The entire family would likely be pariahs because many many people do not believe a child can be like Kanga is and come from a loving, caring, responsible home.

    It IS a blessing that she has grants to keep her in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). For ALL of you, your pets, and even your extended family. There is no way to tell who she would have set her sights on. Chances are she would have accused at least one of the males in one of her schools of some impropriety. It only takes the accusation to completely destroy a man's reputation. Even if it is PROVEN that nothing happened, the accusation would likely end your husband's career and taint your kids' reputation for years to come.

    Think long and hard about having contact with her after age 18. There will be no one to require her to take any medication unless/until she is incarcerated and forced by a judge. Given her problems, it is unlikely she will get better with-o very serious treatment and her full cooperation. She will likely be a threat to the entire family for as long as you have any contact with her. It may be that the only safe way to handle the situation is to cut all contact with her. I wish I didn't have to say this, but it is a distinct possibility.

    You are doing a great job of coping with this. There will be plenty of time to freak out and come down hard on Residential Treatment Center (RTC) after you get all the facts and the result of the investigation. I just pray she is not pregnant. I don't know if she is on any medication but many of the psychiatric medicines are very very bad for a fetus.

    It is a darn shame the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) messed around at getting her into the doctor for the implants. You have had them planned for quite a while and the facility just didn't bother to schedule it and take her there. If there is a baby I would insist that the facility take some responsibility because it could easily have been prevented if they had just done what you asked and her doctors recommended!

    I am assuming the other kids don't know too much about this. It probably would just upset them and maybe would bring back some of the PTSD, esp if they think of her treating a baby the way she treated them.

    Hugs to all of you - you are awesome parents and an awesome family!
  10. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    JJJ - Sending many hugs to you.
  11. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    You have my sympathies.
    The human will is strong even in those with distorted thinking. This is in no way a reflection of your family values. The fact that you continue to try to reach her and care enough to be involved
    is a better reflection of your values. It is unfortunate that her value system doesn't see what she gives away so freely as something special but a weapon and a primitive urge. She wields power with her outrageous behavior with no idea at what the cost is.
    I hope that when she is stable that she may be able to come back from where she is and make a life for herself. If not, then structured and supervised is better than on her own(when 18).
  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I too like the phrase "parenting the unprintable" - especially in this situation.

    I'm so sorry that she has made you sick, exhausted, stressed, and embarrassed. One of the posters gave you great advice - let those who allowed this to happen after your warning stress and worry. I know, no matter how you feel now, that the tie can't ever totally be severed - but you can be told by those who know your years of struggle that you have done everything possible for Kanga. Others would have thrown in the towel years and years ago.

    Hugs and then some more hugs.

  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    JJJ, many hugs.
    I agree with-Fran, this has nothing to do with-rejecting your family values. You daughter just doesn't get it. She lives in another world.
    You have done all you can do, and more.
    Take it one day at a time. The implant is a great idea.
    Please take care of yourself.
  14. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Sending more {{{hugs}}}. I'm so sorry.
  15. ML

    ML Guest

    Adding my prayers and support.
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    More hugs from me too... I just cannot believe they did not pay attention to what they knew to be an issue...
  17. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    JJJ, keeping you and yours in my prayers. I'm so sorry your daughter's actions are causing you such grief and worry. Do what you have to do but remember to keep the focus and your energies on you and the rest of your family. Hugs~
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry-sending hugs and prayers.
  19. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I understand what you are saying....

    If this were a situation where your daughter had a boyfriend that she was crazy about....and they were getting more and more serious....and spending time alone...of course, you would be concerned that they were having sex and you would be concerned about the consequences--BUT you could understand what was going on in her head. You would understand that they were "in love" and so convinced that theirs was a love to end all loves and would go on forever... typical teen

    But--this is just sex, for the sake of sex. It doesn't seem to matter with whom, or where....and that's where the "ICK!" factor really comes in...

    And then to hear her deny, and explain how it's not really sex - UUGGHH!!!

    I am so sorry.

    I hope the staff at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) can help her....
  20. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is she in therapy for this hyper-sexual behavior?
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