OMG - phone bill

K

Kjs

Guest
he doesn't KNOW how to use the computer. Never has. I have begged him to read the emails from teachers. he has to have difficult child bring up the emails. he has NO clue.

He never had a camera phone, or anything that connected to the web before. This is all new.

There are no magazines and such around the house.

Addicted to sex??? This is someone who hasn't touched me since difficult child was born. FOURTEEN years. Not so much as a hug or kiss. Was different before difficult child was born.

And easy child, he isn't husband's biological son. I met husband when easy child was 3.

Do you think it has something to do with me being pregnant and birth? although he never acknowledged I was even pregnant. It wasn't until Thanksgiving day that he said "WOW - you are really going to have a baby aren't you" difficult child was born two weeks later!!!! He never touched me when I was pregnant either. Not even to feel him kick.

He once told me when we were dating "I don't ever want kids, I don't want to do to my child what my father did to me". (found out years later that his father was a drunk and beat the boys) I guess that can explain why he goes so overboard in the opposite direction with difficult child. He should of said "I don't ever want a wife, I don't want to do to MY wife what my father did to his" - husband's mother left when he was three. Dad remarried and she left also. After the boys witnessed his father beating her and knew they were next. His father died in a one car drunken accident when he was a teen.
I am just overwhelmed. So hurt I can't even yell. Sad, disappointed. To the point I cannot even look at him. Or talk to him. Didn't raise my voice. Just laid out the papers (phone bill - details) and said here it is. He said he doesn't care what it says he didn't do it that many times. Oh well, look it over. Can't concentrate, my heart aches. This is the last thing I would of ever thought of. Maybe the last straw.

Do pain pills hurt an aching heart?
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I am so sorry. Pain pills won't help your aching heart. I wish I could give you a great big gentle hug and let you cry all those tears out on my shoulder.

Is husband's denial of this similar to difficult child's denial of things when he has done something wrong?

I really think you need to talk to a therapist about all of this. But until you can get in to see one you like, vent all you need to here.

I am so very sorry. And this sets such a horrible example for difficult child.

Just because your husband won't touch you does NOT mean you are unattractive. The problems are with HIM. It will take you time to think about what is going on, what you want to tolerate, what you are not willing to tolerate. I think that you have some big decisions to make in the next few months.

Just remember you are NOT alone, you have all of us to support you. And we not only love you, we LIKE you too! You are a very special person, and it is very sad that your husband refuses or is unable to see that.

Gentle hugs,

Susie
 

donna723

Well-Known Member
Kjs, I am so very sorry you're going through so much pain. You've already received so much wonderful advice, I really can't add to it without repeating.

I have to say though, so much of this sounds so familiar! Not necessarily the same problem, but the same tactics. I lived with this for well over twenty years so I know all about it! I'm an expert! This kind of stuff messes with your head till you don't know which way is "up" anymore (which is why they do it) and makes you start doubting yourself. He's trying to turn it around on you! You caught him dead to rights ... and instead of admitting it, he's denying it, even when confronted with proof, and trying his best to find fault with YOU! He's minimizing the seriousness of what he did and trying his best to make it sound like YOU are getting upset over nothing! How dare YOU! And he's minimizing your feelings, like YOU are out of line to feel that way, and throwing it in your face by laughing at you! They will try their level best to find fault with YOU and make it sound like YOU have done something way worse tham what THEY did ... and when confronted with proof positive, deny-deny-deny! Sound familiar? You caught him and you have proof of what he did and now HE'S mad at YOU! See what I mean? How I wish I had seen all of this back then as clearly as I do now! PLEASE don't fall for this one! It's a very old trick!

Not to hijack your thread, but as an example, this is what used to go on at my house ... my ex was (and still is) a mean drunk. I could catch him dead to rights doing something horrible, like drinking while he was driving with the kids in the car! I'd angrily confront him. First he'd minimize ... "I'm FINE!" or "Everybody does that!" Then he'd try to turn it around on me. How DARE I accuse him of that! What was wrong with ME? Then he'd manage to get offended at ME for something, maybe even the expression on my face! Then, finally, he would twist it around to where what I had done (I gave him 'that look'!) was soooo much worse that what he had done! Then HE was mad at ME, would stomp off in a huff, and wouldn't talk to me for days - he'd say HE was waiting for an apology from ME! By this behavior and trying to put me on the defensive, he accomplished two things: He never had to answer and take responsibility for what he had done ... and he shut me up and put an end to the confrontation. See what I mean?

Honey, you just might be at the point where you have to ask yourself what you are getting out of this 'marriage', is it really worth it to you anymore, and would you be better off with him or without him. And you have to consider the example he is setting for your child. Sending lots of (((hugs))) - I know how difficult this must be for you.

And I second the advice to speak with a domestic violence counselor. The tactics he's using on you are text-book standard and domestic violence workers are very, very good at explaining these things so you can clearly see what's going on.
 
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klmno

Active Member
I think he's trying to punish you (as in- MANIPULATION) and it sounds like maybe he was finding something on tv. This bothers me more and more- the way he's handling it is emotionally abusive. And, difficult child seems to be getting the message that this (the porn and the emotional abuse both) are ok.
 

artana

New Member
KJS,
What you said about your pregnancy resonates so much with me. I remember going to every single appointment by myself. I remember him just not caring. You are in an abusive relationship, whether or not he lays a hand on you.

You do not have to put up with this. You have lost a lot of what it is to be married by him treating you this way. You deserve a guy who will love you and cherish you.

I know I kept thinking it was better for difficult child and easy child to be with their father, but no it's not. If the father sets a horrible example, it is not good for them to learn from that.

You can find someone who will be so much better to you. Please, please get yourself out of this situation. If you judge him as sadistic enough, do it without a lot of warning so you don't suffer through taunts or jeers. You need to rebuild your self-esteem and your safety net and stop feeding his narcissism.
 
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skeeter

New Member
Addicted to sex??? This is someone who hasn't touched me since difficult child was born. FOURTEEN years. Not so much as a hug or kiss. Was different before difficult child was born.

...............................

Do you think it has something to do with me being pregnant and birth?


Hun, let's get one thing straight.

This has NOTHING to do with sex, per se.
This has NOTHING to do with intimacy.
This has NOTHING to do with you, what you've done, what you look like, what you do now.

This has EVERYTHING to do with your husband being, forgive the language, an @$$. He is sick, and as such, needs help and treatment.

Drop all the phones but your own. If he or difficult child needs a phone, let husband get the contract. Let husband pay for both. Then they can abuse the policy however they want.

difficult child needs to start taking responsibility for his homework. I know it's hard. I had to sit back last year and watch NL not get credit for a major project (that I know he did but somehow managed to not hand in) and dump himself out of AP English this year. It was very hard to do, but NL has to get it through his head that HE needs to find some way to be responsible for himself. As does your difficult child.

You need to start taking care of YOU - and if that means all the others in your life sinking or swimming, so be it. If you run yourself into the ground, are they going to survive? Probably. So don't destroy yourself in the process.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Ohhhhhhhhhhh, KJs, I am so sorry.
You poor thing. You ARE a good person, attractive and lovable. This is not about you.

I slightly disagree with-Skeeter on one thing, although I think I'm splitting hairs--it IS about intimacy. Your husband doesn't "get" intimacy. That's what it's about. He's living in some kind of make believe world that he has created for himself.
He has disengaged from you, sexually, and from your difficult child, as exemplified by lack of participation in homework and other typical family connections.

To say your husband is irresponsible would be the nicest comment.
I would be fuming.
He needs help.
If he won't get it, you've got to move to Plan B.
I am SO sorry. {{{hugs}}

by the way, did you say these are billed? NO WAY no how should you have to give up anything-- a meal out with-friends, new blouse, a massage, a great book--so that your husband can afford his habit. I certainly hope he's not lording that part of it over you, too.
 

rejectedmom

New Member
Your husband is an addict. All that applies to addicts applies to your husband. There is plenty of information out there on sexual addiction and it does not have to be actual physical sex. It can be phone sex or pornography, It can also be self manipulation or the use of prostitutes. Bottom line is that the person with the addiction actually gets high on the harmones released during his/her sexual exploits. The more he acts on seeking out that high, the more addicted he becomes until eventually it takes over his life. This is one of the hardest addictions to kick because humans are sexual beings. The key to recovery is that the addict has to want help, has to work hard at avoiding all the trigger behaviors, and has to learn how to be healthily intimate. It is a long hard process and the statistics are not good for couples in which one of them is a sex addict. I suggest you do your homework, read about it, find out what it entails to overcome this addiction and to stay in recovery, and then decide if you want to stay in this marriage or leave and find a new life. There are cases of financial ruin due to downloaded cable videos, phone sex and the use of prostitutes. All the same emotional and financial pitfalls of living with a drug addict apply.

That said I am so very sorry that you are in this position. You do need to talk to your therapist about this. And, it is NOT you that caused this problem but your husband will try to convince you that it is. It is what addicts do. -RM
 
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hearts and roses

Mind Reader
I slightly disagree with-Skeeter on one thing, although I think I'm splitting hairs--it IS about intimacy. Your husband doesn't "get" intimacy. That's what it's about. He's living in some kind of make believe world that he has created for himself. He has disengaged from you, sexually, and from your difficult child, as exemplified by lack of participation in homework and other typical family connections.

True.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
I'm sure I'm not going to be the popular idea here -

But you said YOU got your hubby this phone ?

That means YOU are the controlling account holder.

Call Veriozon and have an ADULT block put on both phones. You can block your son from ringtones, you can block you hubby from videos.

I would say back to your hubby - just like you did -

I didn't change anything - you are NUTS.

Then walk away.
 

Lothlorien

Active Member
This man obviously has problems. He's trying to blame you and make you feel bad. Don't.

This man makes you miserable. You are a strong, hardworking woman and good mother with a lot to offer. If he refuses counseling, then perhaps you need to make some drastic changes. You deserve better. You DESERVE better!
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
Star has a good point. If it's in your name, you can make the decisions on the services allowed. I would look into the cost of cancelling the contract as well. That might be cheaper than paying the bill, depending on how long the contract was. Do see what the carrier can do for you.

Your h's MO sounds way too familiar. Please take care of you. Sending lots of hugs.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Oh, I didn't pick up on that, Star. Kjs, I thought that meant that you did the legwork and the account was still placed in your husband's name.
Sheesh, I'd be cancelling that phone so fast!!! Not that that will solve the issue, it will simply delay the issue and he will circumvent it, but it will feel good to cancel it at the moment. Go for it, Kjs!
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
You know - it was SO easy for me to sit many years ago and listen to a bunch of well-wishers and friends tell ME what I should do. In part I knew they were right. I would continually make excuses, put my son's mental health as to what would happen to him, bargain with God, make more excuses based on "you don't know how fragile he is," and my list like many other women who are abused went on and on.

At this point in time - you're just fed up. You're thinking about the future. You are beginning to consider yourself before anyone else without tremendous guilt. Has anyone ever told you that is okay? It is. IT'S FINE to consider yourself and think "Hey what about me?" As Mom's we do this so very little until it becomes non-existant.

I don't think the videos are the issue here. I think they're just the frosting on your cake. You've written before about how you work, how he does nothing, how he has no physical contact with you, and just thinks it's dandy that you work all the time. Did it ever occur to you that you work so much to stay away from home and him? Who could blame you for that? And I think you said that when you get home - you liked to go for long walks. Your son is constantly doing his best to keep a bad relationship together by guilting you into - HIS feelings about what I feel is eminent divorce. IT's not his life - he'll have a chance to grow up, find a relationship and treat her how he wants to. At this point? You're not doing your son any favors - you're just perpetuating a cycle of abuse that he'll carry over into his relationships. How does that sit with you to think there is a better than 50% chance he'll treat his wife like his Dad treats his Mom? That vs. I'll just fall apart if you divorce let me be able to leave.

People stay in unhealthy relationships for a number of reasons....whatever your reasoning is? Is yours. I can't talk you out of it, I can't talk you into leaving him. That choice is up to you. I can't even tell you that it's the right thing to do - but I think at this point you're looking for him to be empathetic and he's never going to be.

Find a local domestic violence shelter or call the 1-800 hotline and just talk to someone who's been there along with you and find out what can be around the corner for you and your son. It's not all doom and gloom. I don't know ANYONE who left an abusive marriage (whether it's mental abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, physical abuse) and ever came to me and said "Oh Star I messed up, I wish I had never left."

I left with nothing, but a damaged child who pooped his pants and had rages for hours, a stolen van packed with what I could throw in it in 15 minutes, and never looked back. I never thought I would be able to have a home, a car, things.....and I'm doing it. ON MY OWN.

So you think about it. Ask yourself - how old do I think I will to? Let's just say 85. Now you say you're 46? How fast did those 46 years go by? Now ask yourself - if you did live until you were 85. That's 41 more years of life left. Figure that by the time you're 75 or so - things start to slow down for you.....So thats actually 31 more years of GOOD life - how do you see yourself spending the next 31 years? Miserable? In another 10 your son will be gone. Then what? What if you only live to 75 due to the stress you are dealing with now. That nets you about 21 years. Think you'll see any of your dreams come to fruition? HOw about your son? IT's a lot to think about.

It's something to consider - health, age, mobility - sadness.........how long do you think you can hold out? Do you really want to find out? Or do you want to get on with your life and live it? Be happy? Content.

You can make it happen.

Hugs & Love
Star
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Star, you said it so well.

Kjs, I've been worried about you for some time. It's a vibe I've been picking up - whever anything goes wrong, whenever you're upset about your son, you are taking it so much to heart and saying, in effect, "What is wrong with me, that they treat me this way?" YOu bat yourself up to extremes over things, and I justcouldn't understand why.

Now I understand. And it's not good. Now I'm REALLY worried about you!

You and I have 'talked' before, I know you're an intelligent, capable woman with a lot of love in her heart. But lately, you've been getting REALLY dragged down by things, far more than I have felt was perhaps appropriate to the situation. But if this is because you have been increasingly falling into the behaviour pattern of an abused partner, that would explain so very much. And until you can see this and begin to make the change, this will continue and escalate.

You do not deserve this. Your husband's issues are NOTHING to do with you, but in his own mind he is projecting, so he can blame you (and thereby absolve himself of all responsibility). In this process, he is teaching your son how to abdicate responsibility, and how to avoid having to feel guilty when there is a handy emotional punching bag (you) around.

So what the H is wrong with him?
I don't know, but I can guess. There can be many causes, but in general, blokes won't turn down sex when it's available. You're both growing old together (and wrinkly, and equally attractive/unattractive), but unless he's cruising around bars and getting lots of sex that way, his not touching you is a sign that he's probably not touching ANYBODY.
As I said, a bloke will try to have sex primarily to have sex. If he's got a willing wife, then that will do. A bloke who is not having sex with a willing wife - it won't be because she is unattractive. I've heard too many blokes make jokes about "it's not her head I'm interested in."
So my theory - for whatever reason, he is avoiding sex or unable to have sex. But impotence doesn't take away the urge. Plus there is that part of a bloke so desperate to be seen by other men as "normal", that they will lie, they will cover up, they wiull attack other people who get close to the secret, rather than admit there is a problem.

A bloke like this - he probably loves you. I'm not kidding you. He probably really loves you, may really value all the great things you do for him, for your son, for the family. But he probably also resents you a great deal, because you're a success and he is not. He could well blame impotence on you emasculating him by being a success.

There can be all sorts of medical reasons for a bloke past his 20s to become impotent. He could be drinking too much. Smoking too much. He could be in the early stages of diabetes or high blood pressure. He could have a weight problem. Or all of the above. But rather than admit there is a problem, rather than say, "I need help," he would rather totally wreck his life and his marriage and be nasty. Because by being nasty to you, he is making it clear to everybody, "I am not the problem - she is."

And he's good at it. Darned good. He's got YOU convinced, hasn't he? And difficult child - he's got the message too.

The porn - it is possible he's not looking at it all that much. I have a slide phone, it's a real headache if I put it in my pocket, because it redials the last nimber, over and over, and sends my bill through the roof. It IS possible that while at work, showing off his new phone to the blokes (it's a bloke thing, boys and their toys - an extension of their libido, at least it's perceived that way by other blokes), he dialled the link (at their request, wanting to get someone else to pay for some free eye candy). And enjoyed, with co-workers, some pics of girls in bikinis, etc. Then put te phone in his pocket and, being technolopgically inept, now refuses to beleive he's been dialling the phone so often. He probably didn't intend to, but last number re-dial is what is happening, so at some point he did knowingly call it.

Again, it's not about you. ALthough using a phone that his wife pays for, to look at women not his wife, because he's too ashamed to admit, even to his wife, that he's impotent - that's really low. And sick.

Some blokes are total idiots about this sort of problem. They are so hung up about their sexuality and "manhood" that they would rather make their wives feel it's teir fault, than admit there is a physical problem. If challenged, he would probably say, "Kjs MUST know I'm impotent, every time she asks me for sex is like a slap in the face, like she's taunting me over it." Because that is the egocentric way they think.

Have you ever been on a diet? Given up chocolate for Lent? You know how you crave the one thing you can't have? Well, depending on the casue of impotence, men are like this too.

You have big problems in your relationship, it seems. And sex is only a symptom. It's barely scratching the surface. The main problems you have -

1) Communication. There is something woring with him and he is choosing to lie and bully rather than admit to it.

2) He is choosing to bully rather than communicate - that is not showing love to your life partner. He may not realise how much he is hurting you, he may be afraid that if he admits to problems that you will stop loving him. Some men are idiots, aren't they? I call it the "Andy Capp" syndrome, after a British comic series of the 60s and 70s. Some men learn how to live in a relationship, by studying cliched humour and living it. I saw the same behaviour in my ex-brother in law, he had my sister totally convinced she was worthless, ugly, unattractive and should be grateful he chose to stay with her.

THis isn't your problem, if he won't talk about what is really wrong. You can get counselling, you need to find your self-esteem and to realise that you have nothing to be hard on yourself for. You need to find your spine, stiffen it, learn to let this sort of stuff slide right off like a fried egg off a teflon pan (into his lap - it won't do any damage).

Not only do you owe it to yourself, you owe it to difficult child. And if your husband is not beyond redemption it could be what he needs, to finally have to face that he can't blame you any longer, because you just won't wear it. Not at all.

Hang in there, honey. You are a good person, you've just been running a Red Queen's Race. It's time to shift to running a race where there is a finish line in sight, where you can put that effort into some positive progress.

Marg
 

totoro

Mom? What's a difficult child?
I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. Hang in there. You are a strong woman and so much more beautiful than you think.
You are a gift...
 

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
So what the H is wrong with him?
I don't know, but I can guess. There can be many causes, but in general, blokes won't turn down sex when it's available. You're both growing old together (and wrinkly, and equally attractive/unattractive), but unless he's cruising around bars and getting lots of sex that way, his not touching you is a sign that he's probably not touching ANYBODY.
As I said, a bloke will try to have sex primarily to have sex. If he's got a willing wife, then that will do. A bloke who is not having sex with a willing wife - it won't be because she is unattractive. I've heard too many blokes make jokes about "it's not her head I'm interested in."
So my theory - for whatever reason, he is avoiding sex or unable to have sex. But impotence doesn't take away the urge. Plus there is that part of a bloke so desperate to be seen by other men as "normal", that they will lie, they will cover up, they wiull attack other people who get close to the secret, rather than admit there is a problem.

A bloke like this - he probably loves you. I'm not kidding you. He probably really loves you, may really value all the great things you do for him, for your son, for the family. But he probably also resents you a great deal, because you're a success and he is not. He could well blame impotence on you emasculating him by being a success.

Marg, with all due respect, you are wrong about this. Not ALL men will have sex with their willing wife/girlfriend. Just because it's there, doesn't mean they will take advantage of it. Not ALL men are walking around thinking of sex every 9.6 seconds as statistics say. Clearly, kjs' wife has deeper issues than impotence. Yes, your comments about what may contribute to a man's impotence are correct, but based on what has been posted by kjs in the past, I would venture to guess that this is not her H's problem (impotence). In his case it really does sound like it's a combination of abuse, self loathing (very typical in porn addicts), lack of intimacy, control (over her), and many other things. In regards to the control thing - he feels that she has all the control, being the breadwinner and the caretaker, and this may be his only way of having control over her. Also, since he likely has a very low opinion of himself and has trouble coping with that, this is one way in which he can make himself feel better. Unfortunately, it creates a vicious cycle of self loathing...make himself feel better, then feel badly because he's feeling guilty...and it goes on.

It really really annoys me that people have this idea that men are somehow walking around at all times thinking about sex, where to get it, how to get it and when. I can tell you, it is not that simple. Even if kjs met her H at the door in a sexy outfit, a house free of kids, candles everywhere, and a bevy of sex toys - chances are he wouldn't be ready to jump in the sack. He's got issues that prevent him from being intimate with his wife - that much is crystal clear. This is not about sex.

KJs, I will not post on this thread at all anymore - obviously it's too sensitive for me. However, please post and let us know how you're doing. I think we're all worried about you. Hugs, sweetie. Take care of yourself.
 
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