I feel so out of depth reaching out to you Steely in a situation with your son that I've never been in such as you are, with my difficult child. My difficult child, when in placement, was still a minor, a YOUNG minor. I picked the placement, I picked the treatment plan, I required discussion and information and contact with difficult child. I got the same response as you, a back off response from those working with my difficult child. I wanted to scream because their agenda didn't match mine for difficult child. I couldn't see how they could treat problems they didn't know about. difficult child certainly wasn't in a place to be honest about issues occuring. As a parent, I had the information the staff could use that difficult child wouldnt' provide. But they said butt out. WHAT? HUH? I went through some big vents here on the board.
When I realized that the program wasn't helping and that I was butting my head against a wall, I simply stopped. I said fine. I'll butt out. It KILLED me inside. I most definitly had his best interests at heart and couldnt' see how this would work to benefit difficult child. I couldnt' stand no contact, or contact based on THEIR rules, THEIR schedule. But I did it. I did it to show them that it wouldn't be what difficult child needed and it would prevent them helping difficult child.
Funny enough, IT HELPED! It required difficult child to stand on his own two feet, face his demons so to speak. With mental health issues etc, we are so very extra protective of our kids. A easy child turning to drugs or alcohol, we tend to more easily put in a program and make them do the work. With mental health it seems so much more difficult (not saying drug/alcohol addicted kids in treatment isn't difficult). But with mental health, we doubt their ability to function without that support etc.
The thing is, we all know this, that when our kids become adults, even not well functioning adults, young adults, without life skills and responsability skills etc, we prevent ourselves from seeing our kids as the adults they are. For so many various very valid reasons. But the fact is, your Matt, just like MY Matt, have to function life long in a adult world. It is hard to think we let them go to make choices, guide their own treatment, can't call us when they want, we can't call when we want, etc. We often feel they are far from capable. Probably they are far from capable. however I thought to myself: What is better for Matt in the LONG TERM? Learning from trying and falling if necessary, at an earlier age, or living a entire life not facing his own issues and challenges in a head on way? I mean, they can participate, but as adults that they are, if we are contributing to their treatment, we are holding them back from those sections we help with, from learning to find their own coping skills for those areas. Know what I mean??
I look at my mother today. She's a sad sad woman Steely. I cannot stand that future for my son. I'd rather him fail today if needed, then try again etc so that he can succeed later. I do not want him to fail at LIFE. He can fail at a program and try again because he realizes at some point he could have benefited more by his own involvement. Or he can feel there is always a fall back person (mom). Even a small part of him having you to fall back on right now, can be detrimental for him and prevent him from a small aspect of progress he really NEEDS to make.
I dont' care at all for the method that you are being told to butt out. Cuz face it, they are saying Butt out Mom, he'll call when he calls. I would respect them more if they said it that bluntly. There is no shame in what you wish you could do. There is no shame in saying there is nothing you wouldn't do. I ask you with love and support: If there is nothing you are not willing to do, have you considered for this period of time, to just do Nothing?
it goes against the grain. But so does tossing out drug addicted, felony convicted, thieving and lying abusive adult children. It is NEVER going to be a choice we as parents WANT to make. But sometimes it is the one we have to make. Maybe this isn't the program for your son. maybe their goals won't get him where he wants to go. Maybe all he will gain from being there is the knowledge that the ball is FULLY in his court. Would that be horrible? To know mom awaits to speak to him when possible, and looks forward to it. But that he is in control. He is you know. He can either learn to drive the boat completely, or learn most of it but not how to start the engine, or how to fuel the gas tank when it empties in order to keep driving the boat. Know what I mean?? I don't know necessarily that it is fair to give him partial tools at this stage.
I think the hardest part sounds like the portion where it seems his treatment staff are placing alot on your plate, at your door. Well, nobody says they have to be RIGHT. It really doesn't have to matter what they believe of you or your son Steely. Any tools they teach him can only help him in lifes journey. Take what you can use, and leave the rest right? Anything he gains there is to his benefit. So to heck with the staff or even the program Steely. He's there now. If not there, where? Another place? What would be different? Back to you? What would be different?
You also have alot on your plate right now. You have the RIGHT to take care of yourself, your personal life, your job, your joy, your happiness, your short and long term future. And lets face it, our adult children factor in for visits, phone calls etc. But at that stage, our lives are our own. I hate to see you trying to balance all of his stuff as well as your own. And your happiness is JUST as valuable and vital as your sons. He can't fix your unhappiness. He can't help you build the future that will bring your life joy and fulfillment and contentment. Only you can do that. Just as only your Matt can do that for himself.
Give yourself a chance to step out of warrior mom mode. You're not turning your back. You arent accepting that you created your difficult child to be a difficult child. If you are, STOP Steely. Please. Because you DO NOT OWN THAT.
I'm sorry you are feeling misunderstood in a place that has become such a place of support for you. I truly know that I can't see how anyone here has said anything without love and with your well being and your sons at heart. I know inside you know that. i also know that sometimes its hard to step out of the life we've all lived so long. Your job now is to live YOUR BEST LIFE. And for your son to learn what HIS best life is going to be, and how he's going to go about it. Just as I had to let my mother make her choices. She chooses to not properly manage her illness. The price her life pays is a high one. But like your son, he's an adult. That doesn't stop love, and prayers, and hope and desires to help. The key is helping when it is to their actual benefit. I dont' think you are trying to "fix Matt". I think you are a mom who wants to help him find his way, hoping he'll do the work. I dont' blame you. Maybe, just maybe, helping him find the way to make it work, is stepping back from the role of the person who finds the help, takes him to the help, asks what is the help, decides if it is the right help etc.
You know you are adored here and supported and nobody means to hurt you. I hope that you aren't a stranger from here on out. You'd be sorely missed and it be a loss to many people. (((hugs)))
