Omg, what a morning!

[hearts and roses]

The title should be: Jo's Horrible, Rotten, No Good, Very Bad Day! LOL.

First, I was woken up by H at 5AM - I only went to sleep at midnight *and with my knee pain I had taken a tramadol, so I would sleep, but then didn't!* - he turned on the light, moved some papers around, talked to the dogs, argh. After falling back into a light slumber, I was again awakened, this time by the pups, scratching at our door to get out as they heard H making his lunch and the morning coffee - their cue that it's time to go for their walk and eat. Argh. I fell back into a barely noticeable slumber and was again awakened, this time by the little pup scratching to come back in and be with me. I think easy child let the pup in and she curled up, went back to sleep as I lay there, my mind beginning to whir.

Second, I finally dragged myself out of bed and discovered that I *might* have conjunctivitis in my eyes - they are all puffy, itchy and watery, ew. I flood them with eye drops for allergy eyes, not much better, but a little better. Just an icky early morning thing. Grabbed my coffee and headed back into the bedroom to get dressed. Finally, easy child and H leave - FINALLY (H and I had a bit of a row last night, yes, about the stupid house and father in law's estate crud again - I am SO SICK OF IT ALREADY!).

Third, I make my way out to the kitchen, warm up my coffee in the micro, settle my glasses, etc., over by my ipad so I can chill before heading to work. I notice a very large bug, something between a hornet and an ugly mosquito on the overhead fan/lamp. I swat at it with a paper, and just as I knock it down, I also take out a light bulb - one of those newer swirly light bulbs that no one knows how to dispose of?? You know the kind that save energy and all that...ANYWAY, I'm barefoot, so I carefully sweep up some glass and then drag out the vacuum - ugh, what a pita. Finally sit down to the ipad and coffee, which is now cold - dump it because you just can't reheat coffee more than once - and make a new cup, nuke it so it's burning hot, yum.

Fourth, return my sister's call to tell her about the row I had with H last night and as I'm telling her, my blood pressure is rising, my eyes are itching, my skin is beginning to feel crawly and it occurs to me that I'm having an allergic reaction to something. I popped an allergy pill but after all was said and done, it occurred to me (finally) that it's stress. I'm so completely stressed about this stupid situation with the house and H's complete idiocy that I am beginning to have physical symptoms from the stress. OMG.

Yesterday at the meeting with the attorney, he (the attorney) said that once the house was in mother in law's name after probate, that we could do one of two things. The first option is to have mother in law quit claim the title to us and then we simply go mortgage the house and pay off her existing mortgage, which is the option I thought we would do. The second option is to have mother in law 'gift' us equity each year for 3 years until we own it...it's an involved process and would supposedly save us money in taxes and her also somehow. I am VERY MUCH against this option and silly me, I thought H was also. Well, last night as we're walking the dogs - it's always as we're walking the dogs, our neighbors must think we're nuts - H and I are discussing this and H says that he would like to find out more about this option as it may save us about $4000 in taxes. I went from 0 to 100 in less than one second and I told him that I would not cooperate with that option AT ALL. I want this done, finished, I want the house in our name, the mortgage in our name, and that I was DONE jerking around with this matter (except I said it in a lot worse language and in a very menacing voice). H was not happy with me, but I don't really care. I have lived in this house for almost 16 years with no security under me. If something had happened to him or us, I would have been left out on the street without a leg to stand on in regards to ownership of this house. His father died without bequeathing the home to us, which is unbelievable to me still, and we finally have to act on this (I have been after H to get the house into our name for YEARS) and now he wants to stall it some more????? Well, I am against the gifting option for a couple of reasons - First, I want this done and settled already, everyone else pays taxes on their newly bought home, why shouldn't we? And second, should something happen to his mother and she can no longer live on her own, all her assets *our house included* would be considered for her to move into an assisted living facility or nursing home. She's not getting any younger...ahem. I reminded H of all this, to which he just shook his head as if I am the one being unreasonable. OMG. There was almost a homicide in CT last night. I finally just told H that under no circumstances would I consider that an option in regards to acquiring the house and over my dead body or our divorce would it take place. I mean, I was REALLY ******.

Finally, as I'm venting to my sister this morning, I realize that my H is afraid. This is his M-O. He takes forever to make a decision and he always had to consult with his dad beforehand. And now that his dad is gone, he always has to call his sister to consult with her. Since his dad died, he's called his sister every couple of days to check in with her in regards to decisions that WE should be consulting one another for. Last night when I laid it on the line to him his response was, "Well, let me call my sister and see what she thinks". ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! I'm just so disappointed and furious.

So, it's Friday and I'm supposed to have a half day at work but I've missed so much time lately (running back and forth to FL, the lawyers, etc.) that I'm staying an extra hour in the hopes of clearing off some of my desk. Then I'm going to the salon to get waxed and get a pedicure. Next Saturday, the 13th, easy child and I leave for Puerto Rico and it's all I have on my brain (aside from this junk about the danged house). I cannot wait to get on the plane and leave H behind for a week. If he makes one stupid decision while I'm gone, I will kill him or leave him - one or the other, but for that one week, I just want to enjoy the heat, sun, sand, surf and food.

This morning HOOVERED big time. I keep doing mini-meditations to get myself out of the funk. Hopefully it will help. I just want to go into the deep deep woods and let out a primal scream.

 

[DDD]

I can understand how chapped you are. You're afraid...and you are having to face your husband's weaknesses at the same time. There's a daily "balance of power" in most homes. You have been the leader and he has been the follower. Now, due to sad and unexpected circumstances, the power has shifted. Stress!

Did the Attorney say what would happen if mother in law agreed to the three year deal and then either passed away or had a change of heart? Can a codacil be inserted that excludes the use of your home as an asset? Perhaps includes that the three year gift will be forgiven (probably not the right word) in the case of her death?

I would imagine that in addition to his basic subsurvient personality your husband may be full of fear about taking on any additional debt now with his business floundering. We're living the down side of the economy with our business and I know what that feels like. Would you meet the requirements for a new mortgage? Thank heavens I haven't had to face qualifying for one in recent years! Does either his sister or brother express any feelings about the transfer?

Again, I'm sorry you are in this situation and think it is absolutely wonderful that you are scheduled for a vacation at this time. It's been rough and getting away, being free of responsibilities, etc. may clear everyone's head. I surely hope so. Sending more hugs. DDD

 

[TeDo]

Keep focused on the trip. He sounds like he has NO self-confidence if he needs someone else's approval BEFORE making any decisions. It says something that he keeps this "power" with his family and not with you. Personally, I would take that as an insult. His family is making important decisions about YOUR family. That's just not right. I wouldn't go with the gifting scenario either. To me, that means that she can change her mind at any time for any reason and you'd still be out a home. I would definitely go with the quit claim (IF she'll agree to that) and take out your own mortgage. I would rather not have a mortgage either BUT I want a house that is mine as long as I make the payments, not relying on someone that COULD pull the rug out from under me whenever she felt like it. Stick to your guns BUT enjoy the vacation. NOT ONE NEGATIVE thought allowed. {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}}

 

[DammitJanet]

Jo, I am so sorry. This is such an important decision that it truly is life altering for you guys. You really do have the right worries on your mind. That house needs to be in your name asap. Not next year, now. If his mom died tomorrow, it could be split between your husbands siblings. This is ludicrous. I think it was awful that it wasnt dealt with in the will. As you said, father in law knew he was dying and he should have amended that will. Heck, he should have done it when the whole deal was made to start with! He wasnt a spring chicken then.

Why your H seems to need to turn outside your family and into his mother, father and now his sisters is a mystery. It should be you and he against the world. That would tick me off. Of course, right now I am not happy with men. Mine has me ticked off too right now. Maybe they are just being ignorant right now.

 

[hearts and roses]

Did the Attorney say what would happen if mother in law agreed to the three year deal and then either passed away or had a change of heart? Can a codacil be inserted that excludes the use of your home as an asset? Perhaps includes that the three year gift will be forgiven (probably not the right word) in the case of her death?

Does either his sister or brother express any feelings about the transfer?

We decided - after the heated argument - that once the probate matter is settled, we would again meet with the attorney on this separate but related matter concerning the quit claim and/or gifting business. That will give us time to do a few things: get pre-approval for the mortgate (together we would be approved for the remaining balance on the existing mortgage which is $50,000 on a home valued as 0ver $250,000). H also has to get the sheetrock up on the studs upstairs in order for the space to be considered living space. And we will have to discuss, obviously, which option is best for everyone.

Neither his sister/brother care about the house or property - it's always been our home. At the time of the purchase, his father took the mortgage out for H because H couldn't get approved for one. Also, we had the 5% downpayment ready but his dad stepped in and added more money (about $30,000) on a home that was only $119,000, so our mortgage payments were very reasonable. The intention was that after H and I were married, we would acquire a mortgage on our own but despite my attempts, H always had an excuse to wait. About 10 years ago, I asked H if the house was listed as ours in his father's will and he said he would ask, but never did. I kick myself now for never just asking myself. H always seemed hesitant to ask his father any pointed questions about the house, but his father never seemed to try and control us over it either so I can't understand why H was such a little boy about it. I'm nauseous just thinking about the many conversations we had about it that were never realized.

Thanks for the hugs.

 

[hearts and roses]

It says something that he keeps this "power" with his family and not with you. Personally, I would take that as an insult. His family is making important decisions about YOUR family. That's just not right.

Tell me about it! Also, when we get our mortgage, since he's so concerned about paying a measly $4000 in taxes, we could simply add that amount to the mortgage and cover it. Our mortgage would only be roughly $50,000!!!! OMG - I think we can add another $4000 to that, right?? Thank you for the hugs also.

 

[hearts and roses]

father in law knew he was dying and he should have amended that will. Heck, he should have done it when the whole deal was made to start with! He wasnt a spring chicken then.

Why your H seems to need to turn outside your family and into his mother, father and now his sisters is a mystery. It should be you and he against the world. That would tick me off.

Janet, I am very ticked about this as well - it's not right. That said, however, we've never had that us against the world kind of relationship. Perhaps the origins of our romance has something to do with it - too long a story to go into now. Anyway, you're right! father in law should have made the amendments to his will way back and for the life of me, I can't understand why he didn't. I can't help but wonder if it's because of me. I was never fully accepted by his parents as his life partner. Never. In fact, brother in law recently confirmed to me that they never thought we'd last by something he said in passing. So there it is. And I'm almost positive that if that was truly how they felt, H had to have known and that may be why he never encouraged us to have a sitdown to discuss the house matters together; it was always just him and his dad.

 

[TerryJ2]

Aarrggh! No kidding!
I am so sorry. Are you going to the dr in case you really do have conjunctivitis?
I think you are correct in your assessment of H's MO. Sigh.
Many hugs. It's GOT to get better.

 

[busywend]

Jo, what is the $4,000 taxes for?

 

[keista]

((((HUGS))))

In fact, brother in law recently confirmed to me that they never thought we'd last by something he said in passing.

JUST an FYI, it's not necessarily because of YOU that they thought so and therefore did not fully accept you. They could have been thinking that you wouldn't last because husband's 'neediness' of family approval/agreement. Not many women would put up with that for very long. You're stronger and better than most.

 

[hearts and roses]

Jo, what is the $4,000 taxes for?

Busy, I don't even know where H got that number from but he claims that when we remortgage the house after the title has our names on it, we will end up paying that? Or perhaps that's what he's thinking we will end up paying in taxes if his mother 'gifts' us the equity. I have NO IDEA - just saying, whatever the taxes or extraneous costs end up being, we can roll them into the mortgage.

 

[hearts and roses]

JUST an FYI, it's not necessarily because of YOU that they thought so and therefore did not fully accept you. They could have been thinking that you wouldn't last because husband's 'neediness' of family approval/agreement. Not many women would put up with that for very long. You're stronger and better than most.

Thank you for the hugs. Nope, that's not it. It is presumed to be for any of the following reasons: A) I was married to H's exbestfriend and so I was trash?, B) I came to the marriage with two children so they assumed H would never have any of HIS own (we did try - it never happened - and H helped me raise easy child/difficult child as his own), C, I was divorced and therefore not allowed to remarry in the Catholic Church without an annulment (H didn't want to be married in a church anyway), and D) because of the whole Catholic thing, in his mother's eyes, I was still married to my exh, which would mean that my marriage to her son is null/void/non-existent.

In fact, many times in many ways his mother in particular made it clear that it was me, H is her favorite child - brother in law calls H the apple of mum's eye (could you not just puke? lol).