OMG When Did I Become My Mother???

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Jan 29, 2009.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Yes. I really need to know.

    I've known for years that K's now husband was many years older than her. Her Mom told me back when K was living here. Although she didn't exactly know how much older.

    M, K's husband, is 11 yrs older than she is. Now, far be it from me to toss stones at her for that age difference. My husband is 16 yrs older than I am. The age difference isn't really what's bugging me. Not specifically. The only thing that sticks in my craw with their age difference is that K was 14 when they got together, M was 25.

    My Mother would take the age difference and run with it...........:faint:

    Now you all are going to have to be a bit patient if you keep reading.......cuz I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. Just not anyone I can talk to about it here, so I've got to get it out somewhere.

    M seems to be a decent guy, depsite what K's bio Mom and others there tried to make me believe many years ago. I dunno, maybe he's done some growing up since then. Possible. But he seemed nice enough and eager to please when I met him here right before the kids took off to MO.

    M is severely dyslexic. I don't think he very far in school, don't know if he went to hs. I do know he was in Special Education in school. I suspect other learning disabilities, but have no way to confirm. Let's just say he's very slow and immature for 40. K might have passed him by now. I suspect she has.

    But he's a decent guy who rides a bike 2-4 miles everyday to work washing dishes to put food on the table for his family. Not once have they asked for penny. The kids love him, and he loves the kids.

    Nothing wrong with being poor when you're doing the best you can do. And until something happens to indicate otherwise, I'd have to say that although I do think M is a difficult child in many ways.....I also think he's one heck of a guy.

    That said.....I still worry. K's condition is terminal, no two ways about it. Again tonight she broached the subject, and made it clear that she wants the kids in our lives no matter what happens to her. And she said M agreed with her when they discussed it. That it is so very important for the grands to have someone else in their lives who love them other than their parents. And she was hospitalized once again recently. So I think it's been weighing heavily on her mind.

    So as we mothers do.........Now, I'm back to worrying again. M in his own way reminds me a great deal of Travis. (I don't say this lightly) And while my son adores children, and his neices and nephews most especially, I wouldn't trust him to care for one for more than a few hours. Not because he'd intentionally do something........but well, because he's just not up for the job. Know what I mean?? And so then I wonder if M will be able to handle 3 little kids, 2 obviously special needs, without K there to guide him? And sadly, I know I'm not the only one worrying over it as K is too, she's told me a few times.

    I know, I know. Breathe and detach. Not much I can do except be their support system as best I can. I guess the good thing is that M has agreed to the arrangement and the importance of it. He even asked me to add him as my friend on MySpace so he can contact me directly if necessary.

    In the midst of all this I swear is all the bad junk K's bioMom and others back there told me all during the time she was here. I'm determined to ignore it and only judge him as the man he is. They were so wrong about so many things that caused so much heartache that I'm not going to let that happen again. But all that baloney creeps into my brain and it's hard to shake it at times. And it makes me feel like I've become my mother. ack!!:faint:

    Lordy. *huge sigh* God may have a plan with this one, but I sure wish he'd let me in on it.

    If you got this far, thanks for listening to me ramble. And honestly, I really do like M, although it probably didn't sound like it. lol
    Lasted edited by : Jan 30, 2009
  2. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    You say he is a decent man and you like him. He has agreed to stay in contact with you. I say develop a trusting relationship with him and when?if the time comes that you feel he is over his head and in need of help broach the subject gently and compassionately. If he trusts you he should listen to your ideas. -RM
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    OH I KNOW YOU.....
    I KNOW YOU.........
    And I know where your BRAIN is going on this Daisy -

    YOU ARE NOT GOING TO RAISE.........omg......OMG yes you are.....You are toying with the idea of raising K's kids.......

    (slap head)

    How can I judge - I keep taking in strays too and GRANDCHILDREN are the love of your life.

    Ugh.....Soooooo gonna build another room on - or hope Nicole and baby are moved into their own place by then?

    (don't you tell me you are NOT thinking about this) lol.......I know you.

    You're heart is 10 sizes too big despite your bra

    You have a lovely heart.
  4. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Even thought you didn't say it, like Star, I knew that's where your mind is going. There is just never NOT something to worry about!
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    deep breath, deep breath....I was also worried about where your mind/heart was going on this.

    The truth is, if he is a good man, the kids would be better off with their dad...and his strong SUPPORT SYSTEM. I agree with RM. Now is the time to develop the trust and resources and relationship to possibly assist (not take over) later.

  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Star, you do know me well. easy child and I've already decided between us that if push come to shove and there simply is no other choice, the grands will come here. It is who I am, and I couldn't turn away from them if they truely needed me.

    However, I've no desire whatsoever to raise my grandkids. Actually, although I love them greatly, the thought makes me shudder. I've just moved past that part of my life and I'm not at all anxious to return to mothering small children.

    Unfortunately K told me herself she is worried that M will become overwhlemed with parenting the children and unable to do it. Which is what started this whole direction of thinking. Because if the possibility is there, hiding my head in the sand about it won't solve anything.

    I'm trying to think of ways of helping M via long distance, and I'm simply not coming up with a whole lot. While we can be helpful with ordinary everyday things, there is so much we can't help him with like dealing with the school, doctors, ect. I have told K she needs to teach him, and get him active, in the kids daily lives as possible to make it easier for him if he needs to take over parenting.

    Obviously I need to get to know M better, and K and I need to talk more. Both ongoing processes.

    But I have one huge question. How does someone who reads at a first grade level function as an adult and parent in a reading world?? Just trying to grasp that has me shaking my head. Obviously he can get by to some extent, but I know that K handles the bulk of anything to do with reading.

    There is no way we can hope to help him in that area via long distance. And no, I am not even toying with the idea of bringing the family here. Huge mistake I don't ever want to repeat. Nor would it help them anyway. They have more services there to help them, limited as they might be.

    So, nope. No new additional rooms to the house. And Nichole won't be pushed out the door. (yet) lol And I swear on my honor as a big hearted person, with more than my fair share of maternal instinct, I do not have any desire to raise the grands unless I am absolutely forced by circumstance to do so. On that my heart and head are in total agreement.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh hooey would take in those kids in a nanosecond if anything happened to K. I know Just like you would take in the other two...almost three if something happened to their parents. Its just in our DNA. Just like I would take in my two...almost three. Yep...I just said it...we are having another one! Im gonna be gramma again in about 8 months.