Omg

LittleDudesMom

Well-Known Member
Oh k...could you call the school about 30 min after start time to find out if he made it in? If not, call PO's office and let them know? I don't know. I'm so sorry. Get a cup of tea and sit down and try and do some work for awhile. I know your mind will not be as focused as you want.....

Sharon
 
You do what you have to do and he'll do what he has to do. I hope you got some sleep last night, but you probably didn't. He's working very hard to get back to Department of Juvenile Justice, maybe he'll get what he wants...soon.
 

klmno

Active Member
Yeah- I'm thinking about calling the sd, then going to pick him up at dismissal time if he's there. If he's not there I will need to call police and report him as a run-a-way. Work- well I can forget having a good record as long as I'm trying to parent this kid.
 

klmno

Active Member
It has crossed my mind that he's deliberately trying to get back to Department of Juvenile Justice. I would believe that except he can't know which facility they would send him to next time so that wouldn't quite be logical- even for a difficult child.
 

klmno

Active Member
I tried to call the number that I think was from that cell phone he got a hold of but no one answered. Then about 10 mins ago difficult child called me. He said he was on his way to school. I asked where he spent the night- he said at a friend's house because I locked him out. Now mind you- I locked this door about midnight and stayed downstairs until after 1:00 am. I told difficult child that he never came home so yes, I locked the door. He said he was in the backyard and saw me get up and lock the door and he tried the door and couldn't get in so he went to a friend's house. I asked why he didn't knock on the door- and of course, he had this cell and could have called. He said it didn't matter- I had locked him out so he had no choice. I asked if he was coming home after school- he said yes, he'd be straight home because he was NOT going to violate parole and the only reason he wasn't home now is because I locked him out.

This kid has learned how to turn any situation around to make it look like it was my fault and he's my victim. Really- he made no effort to get back in this house and did not respond when I called his name before locking the door. He had clean clothes on that he needed to wear to JROTC today. But this wasn't planned by him?

Furthermore- either the friend snuck difficult child in the house or someone's parents let difficult child in after 1:00 am. I think this was planned with a friend way before then or something- something stinks about all of this. But the time between him not answering that phone and then calling me this morning- that was his time to think up this BS story.

LDM: I checked online for local news. Apparently one jurisdiction around me has their government offices closed today but my jurisdictioon is open. That doesn't help me though because difficult child's PO told me yesterday that he would be out until Monday. I was going to call police and report him as a runaway if he hadn't called- and actually, if he doesn't show up here this afternoon I still will. Yes, this situation will be reported to PO next week either way.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Does Parole have voice mail? Call and leave a message on that. They may actually pick up messages from home. I just floors me that they dont have cell phone numbers to give you. I have Corys PO's cell phone number! You should be able to reach this guy at a moments notice...(shaking head.)

Other than that, I would just ignore what he is doing until you can get in touch with the PO when he shows back up. Let him hang himself. Do your work that you need to do for your income. Ignore his BS. It really is not something you can control. Its his choices. You can accommodate the mentor if they show up and let them do whatever they are going to do with difficult child but I think he is going to blow it before they have a chance to even start.

Who knows what he is doing. Girls, drinking, whatever. His choices. You do what you need to do that doesnt involve him. I know it will be hard.
 

Robinboots

New Member
Wow. Page from my book. YOU locked me out, Mom, I had NO CHOICE, Mom, but to go somewhere else...blah, blah, blah. I know your difficult child is in high school - JROTC - but how old is he?
 

klmno

Active Member
15 physically. Some parts are 30 however and some parts of him are 5yo.

Yeah- my fault because he HAD to have some space in the yard after midnight on a school night. Being in his bedroom alone with a window open just wasn't enough space and fresh air for him.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
NO, there was no legit reason for him to be outside at midnight, not under the circumstances.

A question - did difficult child know that PO was away for a few days? It gives him time to do what he wants, plan to have a spree and then talk you out of reporting it (so he might think). Or as you said, time to come up with a story as to why it's not his fault.

Did you warn him that you were going to have to lock the house?

Also, what would have happened if you had all gone to bed at a civilised hour and locked up, then later at midnight difficult child decides to get up, unlock the door and go out into the back yard? Can he do that or do you lock up by deadlocking?

The only other option I can think of (and safety could be a problem her but I'm sure there are ways around it) is for you to instal deadlocks on all windows and doors and lock them all, every night, then go to bed with the keys round your neck. No spares available.

He shouldn't be out of the house on a school night after midnight anyway, not with his shaky situation.

Marg
 

klmno

Active Member
If he needs to be locked in and someone standing guard...well...

Actually, I don't think we are allowed to do that here- I know we have to get special permission to lock a child in a bedroom and board the windows up due to safety in case of a fire. As far as him being outside at that time- No Excuse. He''s on house arrest plus kids under 16 have an 11:00pm curfew here. But the clincher for me- he had on clean clothes for school today.
 

CrazyinVA

Well-Known Member
Staff member
I would call the PO main number (there's got to be one at court services) and explain that your son's PO is out and ask who is covering for him because you have an emergency situation. This can NOT wait until Monday. If for some reason you can't reach someone today, and he's gone again tonight, I would call the non-emergency number for your police department and report a missing juvenile on parole. I wouldn't wait more than an hour to do this, especially given that he's upping the ante each time. I'm worried that if you don't report that he was gone all night, today, *you* are going to find yourself in hot water, or at the very least you risk the appearance of being a parent who is letting their son "get away" with violating parole. We here all know that is NOT true.. but to an outsider, it won't matter.

He thinks he "got away" with being gone all night. No police came looking for him. Don't let him think that will happen again.

I hope I'm not too harsh.. but honestly I think at this point difficult child is going to walk all over you and thumb his nose at the system.
 

klmno

Active Member
I don't think it's too harsh- I just don't think they are going to view a violation of house arrest as an emergency. Plus, if I go around the PO at this point or push this above his head, other things will transpire that could potentially be worse all the way around. PO knows I am not letting difficult child get by with violations. That being said, that doesn't mean I won't call the police and report difficult child if he doesn't show up at home this afternoon. Really, I wouldn't be shocked if he's arrested before then because I agree- difficult child is thumbing us all at this point. Also, I will be telling the mentor this evening since he is supposedly helping the PO monitor difficult child.

ETA: Thank goodness I just learned that the people I'm doing work for are about to take off early for the weekend so I have until 1st thing Monday morning to get this work done. Now maybe I can catch my breath and regroup.

I want to clarify about the PO situation- it was explained to me that with juveniles, the idea is for PO's to get them services to prevent re-incarceration. If the PO is bypassed, 1) parents can be accused of not working with them appropriately (been there done that), and 2) then it automatically goes before a judge- automatically gets scheduled for court, I should say, it might take weeks before it actually is before a judge, and the question then is whether or not to place the kid in dss or Department of Juvenile Justice (been there done that, too). DSS does have access to placements that Department of Juvenile Justice funding cannot pay for, however, since my bro has his name listed with dss our most current laws require dss to try placing difficult child with another family member first before spending money to fill a spot in a more restrictive placement.

As you all probably know by now, I'm not trying to keep difficult child from incarceration because I think he doesn't deserve it. But I don't want to close the door myself just yet on the PO being able to do something that might help difficult child more than going back to where he learned these recent activities. I have a feeling that there's a good chance that might happen anyway and I know that no services will help difficult child if he doesn't want them to, but right at this minute I haven't reached the point of wanting to eliminate that option yet. I guess because I believe if I do, I seal his fate to a life in the system of incarceration. If the PO recommends something different to a judge at least there is a chance- the PO is more likely to do that if he knows I am working with him, reporting difficult child's violations and any good things, and not trying to go around him. If I call over there today and insist on speaking with someone knowing PO is out, I will be given PO's super and given previous experience- that is so not good. And, if I appear to be flipping out saying it's an emergency that difficult child went out without permission while on house arrest when they are dealing with some kids who have committed very violent acts they are more than likely going to view me as a mother who can't handle any type of problem and consider that as contributing to difficult child's difficulties.
 
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I would agree with you that unless its a 911 kind of thing, I would just keep track of whats going on. You are in a tough position because you want to have safety and sanity in your own life but don't want to be a mat to be trampled. You want safety and sanity in your own life but don't want to be the wind that blows his ship off course. You want safety and sanity in your own life but want to have a healthy relationship with your child now and into adulthood. But at the end of the day...you want and deserve safety and sanity in your own life.
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
I agree with your thinking about PO calls. You finally have someone you can work in tandem with regarding difficult child and your job is to be a reporter to PO about difficult children progress and backsliding. As was previously said, if it's a 911 emergency then all bets are off. by the way at all three rehab centers my easy child/difficult child attended locking doors and "nailing" windows shut were common unsuccessful methods used by a bunch of parents. A determined difficult child only gets more determined when they fell the need to overcome that much control. Not one parent was successful at detaining their difficult child in that way. Also, as fear enduring as it is, I personally don't know one difficult child who came to great harm skipping out in the middle of the night. The parents, alas, were usually sick with worry and the difficult child was safely with "friends".

difficult child knows that PO is "the boss" and you support PO by being a reporter of good and bad happenings. No need to reiterate consequences to difficult child...he understands the roles everyone is destined to play. DDD
 

klmno

Active Member
Thank you all for the various opinions, and mostly the support and just listening. I'm sure it's obvious that difficult child seems to be on a roll now so any minute things could change ddrastically. I'm trying to just maintain some normalcy in my own life, as much as possible, in order to keep my own sanity. I hurt for difficult child because I know that someday he will be an adult and see how stupid so many of these decisions were. It just seems like such a shame to me and although he has made his own choices, others' choices and actions have contributed to the problem and I'm not perfect either. But right now I can't let all these thoughts and emotions overcome me or else he will use them to justify even more. Someday when I'm dead I hope he can at least realize how much I loved him and tried to do what was in his best interest- and I hope he doesn't fall apart when he realizes how much he did to undermine it all and sabatoge my best efforts. He could have had a good, decent, successful life.
 

Suz

(the future) MRS. GERE
ugh, ugh, UGH---this is bringing back so many memories. ugh!!!

When Rob used to pull this baloney and his PO was unavailable, I would call and leave a message for his PO which outlined what was going on. That way I was following the rules and reporting the violations and the call also would not be perceived as going over the PO's head.

Hugs KLMNO-
Suz
 
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