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On difficult child and sisters...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 630423" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>RE, this makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you for stating this. </p><p></p><p>Last night on the phone, my sister said: well, how are you? I said, I'm good, I crashed hard for about 24 hours after he got out of jail, but I'm back on level ground now, after going to an AlAnon meeting every day for a week, etc. </p><p></p><p>She said: I really don't see how you are doing what you are doing. I don't think most people could do this. You are a very strong person, but I don't know how you do it.</p><p></p><p>Hmmmm. I said: The only way I can do it is to work on myself to change my thinking every single day. That is the only way I've gotten to this place.</p><p></p><p>We talked a bit about the last four years and the difficulty etc.</p><p></p><p>I think her comments were more about truly not understanding how I can be in this place of dealing with this situation. She thinks I am different from other people. And of course, I am not. I don't believe I am different at all.</p><p></p><p>I said, well you have a choice when you are in a situation like this one. You can keep on doing the same thing over and over again, with nothing working, and be completely incapacitated by the pain and grief of it all, or you can find a new way of living, and you can work for that change for yourself. </p><p></p><p>I think that is true of anything. Over time, most of us come to see that this just doesn't work. And then, we are ready for something new.</p><p></p><p>She would be the same way. But she hasn't had to do it.</p><p></p><p>I think when people want to say, well, you're different and I couldn't do that and most people couldn't do that, that is isolating. That is not a good thing to say to somebody. It may sound like you are admiring the person on the surface, but really, it is not good to say that. </p><p></p><p>We are all human, and we have all just about bled to death over the pain of our difficult children. </p><p></p><p>I think we need to remember this when we are with other people who are going through different hard things. Like their parents' failing health. Like Alzheimer's. Like their own failing health. Like whatever they are dealing with that is hard. My best friend's husband has Parkinson's. He is 59 years old. Their life with this disease has already changed a lot and it is hard. </p><p></p><p>But they are not different than any of us. They are simply doing the best they can in a very difficult situation that is going to continue getting worse and worse. </p><p></p><p>I think we have a chance here to bring a strong sense of compassion to other people. We, as we work on ourselves, develop more compassion for ourselves as fully human, yet trying hard to do something very very hard. Making mistakes. Picking ourselves up and doing it all again, trying more. </p><p></p><p>Many other people---including our difficult children----need that same sense of compassion. I see my difficult child in a new way today---and it's ever-changing. I don't feel the disdain, disgust and pure red anger I used to feel so much of the time, at him. I can get angry, believe me, still, but a lot of that anger has been crowded out by compassion for him and all he has lost and the fact that I believe he doesn't get up every day wanting to be a homeless drug addict. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love this. There is a slightly sad tinge to this, that I feel a distance between us that was not bridged last night by the phone call. I had hoped we would talk calmly and honestly and then, reach a renewed understanding. I was going to try to speak to her with vulnerability about needing to be closer and needing to talk more. I could have still said that, but I didn't. I guess it didn't feel right and I was too scared to do it. </p><p></p><p>Anyway, like we say here, it is what it is. This is reality. Everybody is doing the best they can do, most of the time. </p><p></p><p>Thanks.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 630423, member: 17542"] RE, this makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you for stating this. Last night on the phone, my sister said: well, how are you? I said, I'm good, I crashed hard for about 24 hours after he got out of jail, but I'm back on level ground now, after going to an AlAnon meeting every day for a week, etc. She said: I really don't see how you are doing what you are doing. I don't think most people could do this. You are a very strong person, but I don't know how you do it. Hmmmm. I said: The only way I can do it is to work on myself to change my thinking every single day. That is the only way I've gotten to this place. We talked a bit about the last four years and the difficulty etc. I think her comments were more about truly not understanding how I can be in this place of dealing with this situation. She thinks I am different from other people. And of course, I am not. I don't believe I am different at all. I said, well you have a choice when you are in a situation like this one. You can keep on doing the same thing over and over again, with nothing working, and be completely incapacitated by the pain and grief of it all, or you can find a new way of living, and you can work for that change for yourself. I think that is true of anything. Over time, most of us come to see that this just doesn't work. And then, we are ready for something new. She would be the same way. But she hasn't had to do it. I think when people want to say, well, you're different and I couldn't do that and most people couldn't do that, that is isolating. That is not a good thing to say to somebody. It may sound like you are admiring the person on the surface, but really, it is not good to say that. We are all human, and we have all just about bled to death over the pain of our difficult children. I think we need to remember this when we are with other people who are going through different hard things. Like their parents' failing health. Like Alzheimer's. Like their own failing health. Like whatever they are dealing with that is hard. My best friend's husband has Parkinson's. He is 59 years old. Their life with this disease has already changed a lot and it is hard. But they are not different than any of us. They are simply doing the best they can in a very difficult situation that is going to continue getting worse and worse. I think we have a chance here to bring a strong sense of compassion to other people. We, as we work on ourselves, develop more compassion for ourselves as fully human, yet trying hard to do something very very hard. Making mistakes. Picking ourselves up and doing it all again, trying more. Many other people---including our difficult children----need that same sense of compassion. I see my difficult child in a new way today---and it's ever-changing. I don't feel the disdain, disgust and pure red anger I used to feel so much of the time, at him. I can get angry, believe me, still, but a lot of that anger has been crowded out by compassion for him and all he has lost and the fact that I believe he doesn't get up every day wanting to be a homeless drug addict. I love this. There is a slightly sad tinge to this, that I feel a distance between us that was not bridged last night by the phone call. I had hoped we would talk calmly and honestly and then, reach a renewed understanding. I was going to try to speak to her with vulnerability about needing to be closer and needing to talk more. I could have still said that, but I didn't. I guess it didn't feel right and I was too scared to do it. Anyway, like we say here, it is what it is. This is reality. Everybody is doing the best they can do, most of the time. Thanks. [/QUOTE]
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