On the fence

[tryingtobestrong]

Not sure when the last time I updated about my son... He was suicidal a few weeks ago and I called for a welfare check. (He lives in another state) He was very angry with me over doing that and told me he called the police to see how to make me stop interfering, etc. I blocked his number because I knew he would be sending me text messages about how I have traumatized his life, etc. He was actively drinking and was on a 4 week drinking binge.
I still have his number blocked and I am not sure if I should unblock it. He is supposed to be seeking some type of treatment and is 4 days sober so he tells my husband. He is off work on short term disability and will need get some type of help.
My husband calls him just to check in everyday... Twice I listened in on the conversation (this was last week when he was still drinking). I tried hard not to speak but I did put my two cents in and then he hug up on us. With that I decided not to have any contact with him.
I am struggling because at Alanon it says to be patient and supportive of the alcoholic. I am not being those things. I am to remember this is not my son and to love my son.
How do I separate the two. I realize my son is in there somewhere but after so many years of manipulation, selfishness, verbal abuse, etc. it is hard for me to look past and try to be supportive of someone that is hard to see.
Hoping I made sense with all of this.

 

[elizabrary]

Hi- I know how difficult this is. Have you spent time learning about detachment- you can still love and support someone without giving them advice, enabling them or even interacting with them. There have been several times I've had to go no contact with my daughter. As a therapist once told me- it doesn't mean no contact forever, just until you're in a better place to be able to maintain your own peace of mind when dealing with the other person. When I have gone no contact I have found that a little time and space give me objectivity about the situation, as well as a break from dealing with the constant insanity. It was difficult for me in the beginning because I tend to be an all or nothing person, no shades of gray. Either you're in my life 100% or you're out forever. I have had to learn to live at a different pace, accepting what happens as what needs to happen in this moment rather than trying to control everything. Once you are able to put your focus and energy into yourself and your health and peace of mind I think it will be easier for you to deal with your son, or not deal with him as needed. When you are centered his unkind words and actions will not affect you as much and when you stop reacting, he will likely stop the behaviors. It's a long and difficult road. Sending peace to you.