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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 665431" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh, Seeking Peace, I am sorry. </p><p></p><p>Of course your reaction is to take care of it. That is so natural. We keep thinking they're going to get it, soon, so we don't want the hole to be too deep that they have to dig out of.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, many of them keep digging as fast as we can fill the hole for them.</p><p></p><p>I did that, too, for years and years.</p><p></p><p>Can you give us some background about her, and what's been going on? I see you say that she is an adult, not a minor.</p><p></p><p>I don't know about you, but knowing my son was "of age" even though he behaved like a 15 year old most of the time, helped me with detaching more and more as he kept on and on.</p><p></p><p>It's still hard. I remember worrying so much about his "record." For months and months, his offenses were misdemeanors. I would comfort myself with this thought: at least he doesn't have a felony. Then the day came that he had not one, but two felonies, and that was a rock bottom for me. Even though the offenses---selling drugs---had occurred two years before, and the grand jury indictment had just come down, it set me way back and I realized what I knew about his actions were the tip of the iceberg. Of course he went to jail for that, and although he had been doing better at that time, he was set back as well. That made me sick at heart, too, at the time, but I had to step away from the here and now and see the bigger picture, which was the fact that he had done this, and right now was when he had to pay for what he had done, regardless of how much progress he had made or not. Consequences have actions, sadly, and that was a lesson my son had to learn the hardest possible way. </p><p></p><p>It is a crying shame. More than a crying shame, the things they keep on doing to wreck their own lives.</p><p></p><p>You sound like you are sick at heart but you also are telling yourself how to separate and detach. It is a process, so be very kind to yourself. You can change your mind at any time. Nothing is in stone. If you get new, different, information, you can do something different.</p><p></p><p>It is such a process and a journey. And to me, the goal is peace. Just getting some peace in the middle of all of the chaos.</p><p></p><p>I found that peace came with detachment and for me, setting some boundaries about our communication for a long, long time.</p><p></p><p>I think in the end, that separation was good for him and for me. For the both of us. He had to know that he was truly on his own, and if things were to be different for him, he had to make them different. Not us anymore. We had been there, and done that, 1000 times.</p><p></p><p>I hope you find comfort in knowing that so many of us understand exactly the path you are on, and we are here for you. Whatever you decide, we're still here, and you can post and vent and use this forum as one of your tools on your life's journey.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs this morning.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 665431, member: 17542"] Oh, Seeking Peace, I am sorry. Of course your reaction is to take care of it. That is so natural. We keep thinking they're going to get it, soon, so we don't want the hole to be too deep that they have to dig out of. In the meantime, many of them keep digging as fast as we can fill the hole for them. I did that, too, for years and years. Can you give us some background about her, and what's been going on? I see you say that she is an adult, not a minor. I don't know about you, but knowing my son was "of age" even though he behaved like a 15 year old most of the time, helped me with detaching more and more as he kept on and on. It's still hard. I remember worrying so much about his "record." For months and months, his offenses were misdemeanors. I would comfort myself with this thought: at least he doesn't have a felony. Then the day came that he had not one, but two felonies, and that was a rock bottom for me. Even though the offenses---selling drugs---had occurred two years before, and the grand jury indictment had just come down, it set me way back and I realized what I knew about his actions were the tip of the iceberg. Of course he went to jail for that, and although he had been doing better at that time, he was set back as well. That made me sick at heart, too, at the time, but I had to step away from the here and now and see the bigger picture, which was the fact that he had done this, and right now was when he had to pay for what he had done, regardless of how much progress he had made or not. Consequences have actions, sadly, and that was a lesson my son had to learn the hardest possible way. It is a crying shame. More than a crying shame, the things they keep on doing to wreck their own lives. You sound like you are sick at heart but you also are telling yourself how to separate and detach. It is a process, so be very kind to yourself. You can change your mind at any time. Nothing is in stone. If you get new, different, information, you can do something different. It is such a process and a journey. And to me, the goal is peace. Just getting some peace in the middle of all of the chaos. I found that peace came with detachment and for me, setting some boundaries about our communication for a long, long time. I think in the end, that separation was good for him and for me. For the both of us. He had to know that he was truly on his own, and if things were to be different for him, he had to make them different. Not us anymore. We had been there, and done that, 1000 times. I hope you find comfort in knowing that so many of us understand exactly the path you are on, and we are here for you. Whatever you decide, we're still here, and you can post and vent and use this forum as one of your tools on your life's journey. Warm hugs this morning. [/QUOTE]
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