On the Mommy Merry Go Round again

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Nov 2, 2010.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Once again my mother is on the warpath. I am again the bad, inconsiderate daughter.

    I must say she is right on time. She has pushed and prodded to get us to let her go to Jessie's appointment in Dallas instead of husband. So I asked her to go. I told her the date of the appointment THREE TIMES and she got it wrong. I read it to her off the forms from the doctor - and she wrote it down wrong. This is my fault. (Of course she didn't read the email where I sent all the info, date, time, address, map and driving directions, etc...).

    She takes ritalin (speed) for her "adhd". This woman got a doctorate from a major university with NO thoughts of adhd. She no more has adhd than my cat does. She does have health problems that create mental fog, but the ritalin does NOT give her clarity. It just makes it impossible for her to sit still.

    I do not dispute the adhd thing with her as it would do NO GOOD. I do find it very interesting that from the time I was in high school to a couple of years before she got the adhd diagnosis and medications she hinted around or outright asked if I knew anyone who could get speed for her so she could lose weight. I worked in a restaurant where about 5 of us did NOT use drugs, so I could EASILY have gotten it for her, but I didn't. Heck, she hinted about it to an old friend of mine that I worked with and they offered some to me privately and I wouldn't give it to her.

    Gfgbro was there on Halloween when husband stopped by with thank you. I was home with Jess because she refused to do Halloween because gfgbro would be there. JEss spent the last 3 nights worried that Gma would be upset with her because she did not do Halloween.

    Now my mother refuses to go to Jessie's appointment or help us with gas/hotel as she had previously INSISTED she would do. She pressured me to allow her to go so she would know what was "really" going on with Jessie's health. I was leary because I doubt she can go for 2 days with-o pressuring Jess and i to say that the problems with gfgbro are all made up and we are sorry and awful and will she forgive us. I have NO intention of allowing that, and have already told her that ANY pressure/discussion of gfgbro with the kids will be the LAST time she is allowed to see them for a dang long time.

    My mother does NOT feel I have the right to place boundaries for about ANY reason.

    Her call today was awful. Of course she is angry because I don't make her feel "appreciated" and she tried to call but the machine didn't pick up. I don't know why it didn't pick up. As far as I know it is fine - the election people had no trouble calling it earlier today.

    My cell phone is lost. I am using Jessie's. I have told my parents this over and over. Use Jessie's phone as mine. But they won't. She left TWO messages on my cell and I didn't return them. Gee, I can't find the phone so ..... and she has easily called both husband and I on his phone and on Jessie's phone at least twice last week. But she doesn't remember THAT.

    She almost NEVER calls me. Not to talk, not about what we are doing, nothing. She doesn't have time to talk when I call to chat. When my aunt was in town it was NEVER a good time to talk or do anything because they had to talk with my bro or with a neighbor or something. And I didn't get call backs then at all - and my aunt was here for 5 WEEKS but they only had time to see us once.

    So gee, why don't I call? Why don't I make plans with my mom? Gee, I wonder????

    I am SO SICK of this. It is petty stuff to be mad at me about. It seems more that she is mad at me just to be mad, or because gfgbro has been talking about me, more than anything else. SHe doesn't make sense, will MAYBE remember half of the nasty things she said, and will wonder why I don't want to make plans with her.

    Every time there is something planned she has to go and find something to get mad about. She goes on about not having drama, not wanting fights and drama in her life, wanting us all to just get along, etc.... Then stuff like this happens and reminds me why we moved away.

    I want to be an orphan. Not for my folks to die or have anything bad happen, just to not have to deal with this koi. I HATE HATE HATE knowing that every time something is going to happen she is going to do something like this.

    I just want to cry. I feel so AWFUL after these episodes. Why is it that NOTHING I do is ever "right enough" for my mom? And why is it that in a week or so I will learn that gfgbro was telling her things that "I said" but she NEVER asked about but was upset about? That is the next step in this farce. There will NOT be an apology to me for any of this, but I will be expected to make one to her and gfgbro (won't happen to gfgbro, might to her if it will get her to leave me alone, but it won't be a real apology because whatever it is that he said to stir her up is all invented by him, but that can't be admitted or I will be the "bad daughter" still.) regardless of reality.

    I have been dragged on this emotional rollercoaster before every major holiday and event and if no event/holiday happens one is invented at least 2 times a year. I am tired of being the "bad daughter" and no amount of therapy has worked to get through so that gfgbro's influence behind this is seen or spoken about or admitted. It is always MY drama that creates the problems according to our family legends.

    What is so wrong with me that my mother has to get angry with me every few months regardless of what I have or have not done? Am I that horrible a person/daughter/parent?

    How do I tell my child about this? She is going to be so hurt. Not the details, just that Gma can't go. She is too smart to not know the reason behind it. She picks up on too much of this.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Susie... Hugs. I understand in a way... And you're not horrible. And yes, Jessie will be disappointed... But you cannot MAKE your mother go with you. And Jessie's smart enough not only to know what's going on, but she won't blame you, either.
  3. susiequte

    susiequte New Member

    She no more has adhd than my cat does.

    I about spit my Diet Coke out my nose when I read this!!! Thanks for making me laugh...I needed that!!!
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh, Susie...I wish this would stop. Its just so senseless.

    As for what to tell Jess? Tell her the truth. I don't think you'd ever be able to hide it from her, anyway. And I think she gets it.

    I wish you could just move. Someplace that going back to visit them once a year for 2 days would be perfect...then away you all go again. I wish I had answers that really would help.

    Just know that you can't change your mom any more than you can any other person. Her actions and choices are hers alone. Many, many hugs.

    What ya doing for Thanksgiving????;)
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I will likely tell my folks that we will be at my inlaws for Thanksgiving. Whether we are or are not. I am just NOT up to the drama of negotiating a turkey day meal with my folks without my brother. Because my mother will make SURE to let me know she got upset enough to vomit because she worried that I would get mad and make a scene if gfgbro "dropped by". ANd my spidey senses are telling me that if she follows past patterns the next step is an ambush meeting with gfgbro to "work it out" or a lovely letter about how I am so abusive and awful to everyone in the family.

    Moving away didn't work the last time we tried. They would come to visit for a few weeks at a time and get upset by stuff at least every 5-6 months, regardless of what we did or didn't do. They also send boxes and boxes and boxes of stuff because they "miss" the kids. If we DON"T give it all to the kids then they tell the kids to ask us for it or to go find it in whatever area we hid it in. If anything the merry go round was worse when we lived out of state because they had to prove how much they "missed" us.

    hence my desire to be an orphan. NOT that I want them to die. I truly do NOT.
  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    You're not the bad daughter, nor do you need her approval. I know even as adults we seek that parental approval, but not everything they want for us is right for us once we're off on our own, and not all of the prior generations ideals work for us. Maybe you could think of your mom like an older difficult child and handle things with that mindset?
  7. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    It sounds like your brother isn't the only difficult child in the family. Maybe you should go to a therapist to learn to realize that it isn't that you don't measure up, it is your mom's problem.

    It probably is for the best that she won't be with you in FW. You don't need the pressure of her trying to get you to work it out with your brother. Also, if the doctor says something ridiculous like it is all anxiety for Jessie, you don't want you mother to think that is the real story.

    Will you be able to make the trip without her help?
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Susie. Wish I had some answers for you. Many hugs.
  9. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Susie, I was going to say very much the same thing that Hope did.

    I am so sorry that you continue to be subject to this. Seems to me that your gfgbro and your mom are enmeshed with each other, and lashing out at you. And you have no reason to subject yourself to this. No reason whatsoever. Your mom is sabotaging your efforts to define safe boundaries with your gfgbro, but it seems that she also has an issue with maintaining appropriate boundaries. If she is not willing to respect your wishes, what steps are you willing to take with her? Are you prepared to break contact if that's what it takes? It seems as though there's an awful lot of pain for you and your family, for very little return.

    Sending many gentle hugs to you.

  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. This sounds so difficult. You are in no way a horrible person. You have set healthy boundaries for you and yours and you know in your heart you are doing what is best for you and your family. I just wish it didn't need to be so difficult for you. Sending gentle hugs your way!
  11. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    There is Nothing wrong with you!! You are Not a horrible person!! You are a wonderful person who loves and protects her kids. You are a caring person who is learning to take care of herself. You are not the problem. Your Mother is.

    Her actions remind me of the "hot-potato" or "dribbling" behavior that my therapist explained. It goes like this, the main person is filled with so much yuck that they have to do something with it. Since they don't have the skills needed to process it in a healthy way, they pass it on. As in passing a hot-potato or a dribbling ball. Then the person who was their target is left holding the hot-potato or dribbling the ball. Sound like your Mom is handing you a bushel of potatoes. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. {{{Hugs}}}
  12. Mamaof5

    Mamaof5 Guest

    How do you stop being the "bad daughter" you ask? Stop being the daughter period. It's unfortunate but it seems your mom is as much a toxic person to you as your GFGBro is. Those two are enabling each other and are in a co-dependant relationship. They are feeding off of each and until your mother learns to stop enabling your GFGBro you need to distance yourself from her in every private aspect of your household period, end of story, end of sentence, done.

    I had to do this with Evil sister in law (and I don't use that as a term of endearment here). For 10 out of the 12 years I've been with her brother she's been about as evil to me as your GFGBro\mother has been and worse. My sister in law has NPD and possibly Borderline (BPD). I do believe that this falls under some of the sociopathic tendencies, feelings of grandiosity, skewed reality versions compared to what reality is. They are playing the guilt card on you because that card has worked in the past. People who are like you GFGBro, mom and my sister in law will use these manipulators frequently and at will if they see that they work either short term or long term.

    Keep playing pass the bean dip with her and give her no specific information that should be none of her business, including medical information on the kids. She's refusing to help with your son now out of spite, only hurting her grandchild and it's not surprising that she sees it as hurting you and not him. That's the problem with a skewed sense of reality with toxic people. They only see it as hurting the specific person they are targeting rather than the person who gets a bull's eye painted on their back indirectly in their sense of reality (the toxic person's sense of reality I mean).

    Another line in the sand to draw perhaps? If you treat us this way we no longer want to speak or be with you. Be damned to their "consequences" of that line drawn, it's time to do for you and yours. You are a mother first, a wife second and then a daughter. Time for your mom to cut the umbilical cord and stop trying to manipulate and control you and your household. Time to stop enabling her to do that. The more you react the more she sees she's getting to you.

    With my sister in law I had to start saying : Oh, okay. That's your point of view and if you want to do that, your choice but I'm not going to participate. Thank you anyway
    I did it mostly when she tried to control things like family get togethers, reunions, functions or holiday activities. The last time she tried to control the bush camping vacation she ended up going it alone with all her activities because the whole family told her no, they were too busy to participate in her wanted activities and had other plans. This year, didn't even invite her to the bush camping vacation.

    I think, the short answer is, time to cut direct ties and refuse to deal with her unless she is willing to deal civilly and without incident.