On the verge of a nervous breakdown

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by allydem, Aug 28, 2011.

  1. allydem

    allydem New Member

    I need help. I have a 20yr old ADHD son whom I have just discovered is smoking marajuana and drinking hard liquor. Under any other circumstance, this wouldn't bother me as much except for the fact that he is taking two different medications (vyvannse and welbutrin) for his condition. He failed miserably his first year at uni, and has started taking classes again. But my situation is somewhat complicated. I am a single mom who has raised 2 kids on my own. Dad bailed out once he remarried and moved to another city. After being estranged from his dad for almost 9yrs, my son decided to make contact with his dad. To date, they have a casual relationship in which they get together once in a while. He tried living with dad for a bit, but after 4 months, he got kicked out. He then moved back with me, but not before I laid the ground rules. I told him that if I ever discovered he did drugs other than the ones perscribed to him, he was going to have to move out. My son's priorities are his friends. He's made it quite clear in his actions that there's no room for family in his life. When he's home, he locks himself in his room, eats dinner after the rest of the family has eaten dinner, sleeps in so he doesn't have to spend time with family in the morning. Weekends come and go, and the only time I know he's around is when I look into the fridge and see food missing. He has made great efforts to block me out of his life, and our relationship has deteriorated significantly since he started seeing his dad. He's even admitted that they've had long discussions in which dad has spoken badly of me and my family. He used to visit his grandparents regularly, but now doesn't acknowledge their existence unless it's a special holiday. I have done nothing short of sacrificed my life for my son, taking him to ADHD specialists, getting the best counselling for him, and being there every step of the way during high school, advocating for his special learning needs. As we approach the end of the summer, he will be starting classes soon ( on a part time schedule).
    I'm tired, emotionally drained, and spend the better part of my waking day worrying about him and fighting back tears. Everyone in the family is telling me to kick him out of the house; and even though I set specific rules a while ago, I'm having a hard time coming to that decision. As a mother, I don't want to turn my back on him, as he is my son and I love him very much. But on the other hand, my health isn't good. In less than 6 months I had emergency surgery due to a cancer scare, and battled pneumonia which took me off work for another 3 weeks. Despite the sacrifices I have made for him, he just doesn't seem to get it. Please, if anyone is out there reading this, help me. Thank you.
  2. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    He is living *exactly* as my nephew difficult child lived when he was living with his family: complete avoidance of family, eating alone after the family had eaten together, up all night (either partying with friends offsite or in his bedroom with door closed) and then sleeping in all day, complete preference of friends over family, drinking and drugging (if there's pot, there's other drugs too), etc. Kick him out. Keeping him at home isn't doing him any favors--it's retarding his maturation. Setting aside the issues of his rule-breaking and so on, any 20-year-old who lives like this doesn't deserve to live at home.
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    You have a very smart and supportive family! I can't tell you how many posts I've seen on this board, of parents coming here for support, because family and friends are criticizing their plans of kicking out their kids. Of course, none of the "well meaning" family and friends are willing to step up to the plate and help out.

    Kicking him out would not be turning your back on him. On the contrary, if you allow him to live in your house and continue to be irresponsible, and use drugs, you are just enabling him and blocking his road to productive adulthood.

    Is he still in therapy? Is he still taking his medications? It sounds like his depression is not being well controlled, and tackling that would be my first plan of attack. If he's not willing to help himself in this aspect, he's gotta get out.

    Welcome to the board. Others with current and past experience with this will be along to share their insights. Stick around. You've found a great place for support!
  4. allydem

    allydem New Member

    Thank you very much Mr Sammler and Keister for your words of wisdom. I take consolation in the fact that 1. I'm not being judged by my decision to expel my son from the house, and 2. you have taken the time to respond to my dilemma. You really have no idea how appreciative I am. I know it's not an easy decision to make, and certianly no where in my wildest dreams did I envision this fate 20 yrs ago when my son was born. At this point, I will gladly accept any advice given by those who haev gone through a similar situation and now I am particularly interested in the outcome of those who have made the same decision I'm faced with. My worst fear is that some day, the police will be behind my door asking me to identify a body that may be my son"s.
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    I just realized what forum you posted on. You might want to post on the Parent Emeritus forum. (also read through some of the old threads there) There are MANY members here who have been in your shoes. Everyone has their own way of reading through threads, and some only go to their 'relevant' forums, so you may bget more directly relevant responses posting there.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We all have the fear that one day the knock on the door will come. I think that is probably every parents biggest fear even parents who have perfectly normal, perfect kids. I lived with that fear the entire time my son was in the Marines and it didnt help that my other one was acting like a horses behind and getting into all kinds of legal troubles at the same time! I was convinced if one didnt end up dead, the other one would. Thankfully neither did but now one works for the sheriffs dept so I am still always worried...sigh. I think parents just have to worry for life.

    I did end up having to ask my youngest son to leave twice. It wasnt easy and I sure never imagined that I would have to do that. I hoped he would launch into adulthood the way it is supposed to happen but he didnt. He has done pretty well on his own. He seems to do much better when he isnt living at home because he feels less like a kid and more like a real man. Letting him stay at home takes that away from him. It cripples him. I wont make that mistake again.
  7. allydem

    allydem New Member

    Thanks again, Keista... I will do just that.
  8. allydem

    allydem New Member

    Thank you Janet. I'd be over the moon if my son gt his act together. Depending how the wind blows, there are some days where he's in denial of his ADHD, and that's largely due to his father's influnce. According to dad, the condition doesn't exist, it's fabricated by lazy teachers who don't want Occupational Therapist (OT) do their job. He too is ADHD, and lives in a world of denial. Hate to say it, but every since he reconnected with his father, my son's life has been a slippery slope down. He doesn't even seem like the same boy he once was.
  9. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Welcome. I'm very sorry you had to find us, meaning your difficult child is leading you here with his decisions. I'm glad though that you found this site, which has so many people who totally do understand your predicament.

    I never had to deal with a adult son and the thought of kicking him out. And I don't believe anybody can know if it will help a difficult child grow up or if it will just lead them down a more chaotic path. I do however believe that when looked at with open eyes, it is all up to your difficult child, and out of your control. He can use standing on his own 2 feet as reason to have to smarten up or he can use it as a way to pretend his spiralling problems are your fault. But even if he blames you and continues to mess things up, logic says that he is wrong in blaming, these are his choices. You didn't create his problems, you can't fix his problems. You can love him. You don't have to have him in your home to love him.

    I did remove my son. He was a minor and only just turning 12 years old. I'd been a member here for many years at that point and run the gauntlet trying to help him, much as you describe you did for your son. I could no longer pretend that I could help my son without him wanting to help himself. I removed him for my own sanity and his sisters protection, while hoping that indeed it would lead him to realize his mistakes and want to do better. I thought I'd tear apart inside. I did face judgement from some for removing him but surprisingly I had much more support than criticism. I second guess myself most days, I worried, I hated not knowing his activities daily etc. It wasn't fun, being honest here. But it worked in the long run, took over a year but he did return home (on MY terms) and I really have to give him credit for a complete change in himself. He is now 18, moved across the country with his g/f. He is working full time and they have a mortgage. He's productive, employed, addiction free (Well he smokes cigs, I hate it, but its not illegal so its not my business at his age), happy, he calls home near to daily to chat even if only for a few minutes.

    My son may well have continued to mess up, at which point I knew then I had to stand my ground even if it killed me. I do know that had he not showed the changes and efforts, I would have held my ground with his best interests in mind and not welcomed him back into my home.

    It sounds like aside from the fact that your son is disrespectful to your home, rules, boundaries etc, that you have your own medical issues etc you are handling in your life. I do think you should have him leave. He'll land on his feet, he'll figure something out. Will it make him instantly be the son you raised him to be and fix his messes? Unlikely. Is it the right and helpful message to send him about what he can at his age count on you for and what he can't? You betcha! I highly believe in letting our adult children sink or swim when they have behaviors that make it unhealthy for us to be supportive of etc.

    In my opinion, it is often the greatest sign of love to throw our birds out of the nest so they can learn to fly. Some will soar right away, some struggle. But regardless, it sounds time. And you have earned your peace in your home.
  10. allydem

    allydem New Member

    I wish I had found this sight sooner. Yes, it's sad to have found it on these terms and conditions, but it has helped me tremendously during these tough times. When I read some of the posts, some of them are a fair bit worse than my situation which helps me put things into perspective. But that which I take most consolation in is the fact that there are so many ears listening and so many supportive individuals who can either impart their own wisdom, or give that virtual hug. I am truly grateful to everyone who has been so supportive of my siuation, and it has made me stronger in my conviction that I am doing the right thing. There aren't enough "thanks you's".
  11. 181818

    181818 New Member

    just found this site at the end of my tether my 19yr old is terrorising our family he is smoking weed most nights with 'friends' he sleeps all days we endure rants shouting screaming hitting our smashing up my house we have thrown him out serval times he becomes remoursful and we take him back he is now without work his friends have either gome their own way or gone off to uni he is depressed he has seen the gp refuses to take medication or see councilor he was a grade student now he doesnt wah very oftern is obnoxoius he makes me feel ashamed and very guilty at what he has become he refuses to leave my husband is worried he will attempt suicide i just want him out of my life i have cried for the last 3 years we have attended drugs counciling in the past help
  12. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Welcome 181818. I am sorry you are going through this. I am very glad you found us but so sorry you had to. You have found a great place for support and wealth of knowledge from parents that have been through it all and worse. You might want to start your own thread and introduce yourself and your family to everyone. Posting to old threads can sometimes lead to a lack of responses. You said your son refuses to take medications. Has he ever been diagnosed with anything? Has he received treatment for any mental health or chemical dependency issues? A little more information about your son would be very helpful. Again, I really do suggest you start your own thread so you don't get lost in this one.

    Again, welcome and supportive {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to you.