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Parent Emeritus
On the verge of giving up
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 730169" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>You cannot control what he does. You can want him to be sober more than he does, but that still won't make him sober. Trust me, I was in that state for a looooooong time with my brother. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes the addict in our lives only realizes what an awful mess they have made once the problem is truly theirs to deal with. This means that by "giving up" and letting the problem be FULLY the addict's problem, and by not "helping" the addict with money, shelter or other resources, sometimes it starts to let the addict actually see how bad things have gotten. Of course that is not instant, it still takes time. Addicts need time in that state, so we have to be consistent in whatever message we send them.</p><p></p><p>One thing that I found INCREDIBLY helpful while dealing with addicts/alcoholics is this: whatever mean, ugly, truly VILE things they say to get you to give them what they want, it is usually the substances talking. Once the PERSON is clean and sober, they often feel a HUGE sense of shame for the way they spoke to those who loved them. I have seen it in my brother, and in many other people I know who have substance abuse issues. When dealing with someone who is using, I imagine I am talking to the bottle or pill, not the person. Then the ugliness is easier to put aside as I do what I need to do in order to not enable and to maintain my healthier boundaries.</p><p></p><p>It is important to realize how much YOU need support and help in this situation, not just how much the addict does. Therapy and/or Alanon/Narcanon can be incredibly supportive to you during this time. </p><p></p><p>And it is okay to realize that "Giving Up" is just another phase of this process.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 730169, member: 1233"] You cannot control what he does. You can want him to be sober more than he does, but that still won't make him sober. Trust me, I was in that state for a looooooong time with my brother. Sometimes the addict in our lives only realizes what an awful mess they have made once the problem is truly theirs to deal with. This means that by "giving up" and letting the problem be FULLY the addict's problem, and by not "helping" the addict with money, shelter or other resources, sometimes it starts to let the addict actually see how bad things have gotten. Of course that is not instant, it still takes time. Addicts need time in that state, so we have to be consistent in whatever message we send them. One thing that I found INCREDIBLY helpful while dealing with addicts/alcoholics is this: whatever mean, ugly, truly VILE things they say to get you to give them what they want, it is usually the substances talking. Once the PERSON is clean and sober, they often feel a HUGE sense of shame for the way they spoke to those who loved them. I have seen it in my brother, and in many other people I know who have substance abuse issues. When dealing with someone who is using, I imagine I am talking to the bottle or pill, not the person. Then the ugliness is easier to put aside as I do what I need to do in order to not enable and to maintain my healthier boundaries. It is important to realize how much YOU need support and help in this situation, not just how much the addict does. Therapy and/or Alanon/Narcanon can be incredibly supportive to you during this time. And it is okay to realize that "Giving Up" is just another phase of this process. [/QUOTE]
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