Once difficult child is out of the house...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lambsear2, Nov 18, 2011.

  1. lambsear2

    lambsear2 New Member

    When you put your difficult child out of the house~ where do they go?

    Our difficult child (now 20 yo, I couldnt figure out how to edit signature) has just worn down his welcome at his grand parents. They want him out. After two years they understand why we had him go, but because of the soft landing, nothing has changed. We are getting an enormous amount of pressue to let him back into our house and have a meeting set with difficult child and Grands to discuss. husband & I are on the same page- but we dont think that it will work for him to live with us again.

    difficult child lives in a grey area of life- he is not bad enough to get services, but is impossible to live/interact with. He has a job, but it does not pay enough to survive. Not to mention that his hard earned cash is only for his entertainment and he wont pay for food, housing, clothes etc. We asked his PO about services and she said that is not their department to help for refer.

    Anyway my question is ~where does a difficult child go when his family wont take him nor will his friends for any length of time.
  2. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    It is hard to kick them out when they have no where to go. I recently did my daughter and 2-year-old granddaughter. They went to a friend's house and now she has her own place. I know lots of people on here have given their difficult children list of shelters where they can go. Some people have given the difficult children a time table- like 2 weeks or 30 days and they have to be out. I had done that with-my daughter, but then she lost her mind and acted crazy so I put her out on the spot. Good luck. I know how hard it is.
  3. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    When I kicked difficult child out, he slept in the laundry room of another building in my complex for a week (while lying to me and telling me he was sleeping "in the park", in October). He then called his father and found a "soft place to land", relatively speaking, and is living there now. For however long that lasts. When I threw him out, he had choices - homelessness, couch surfing with friends, finding a homeless shelter, contacting other family. The only choice he didn't have was coming back home to me. At 20, your stepson has to figure this out on your own. You can't fix this for him.
  4. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    Where does anyone go who's legally an adult (i.e., over 18) and has made so many mistakes that he's run out of luck and out of patience from family & friends? Homeless shelters, residential motels, shared apartments, rented rooms in private homes, trailer parks. The latter are loaded with people who wore out their welcome with family, blew their employment prospects via mistakes or misconduct of various kinds, and are now living hand-to-mouth. It's terribly depressing to leave them to their own just desserts in such shabby living situations, but for some it's the only way they'll learn and possibly change. And there's no upside in letting a parasitic, rule-breaking *adult* continue to live at home, especially if he/she is being a nuisance.

    At 20 I was a college dropout, a rowdy partier, and generally a hedonistic wastrel. My father finally put me out of the house and I had to rent a room in a house up the street. It only took a couple of months of that--so bleak, so depressing--for me to realize I'd better get my act together or I was going to have a lousy life. I enlisted in the army, then finished college afterward. Everything after that has been a steady ascent into productivity, accomplishment, responsibility, and fulfillment. It was all spawned by that bleak, depressing experience of being put out of the family home and being forced to face the consequences of my poor choices.
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    My difficult child left home in early February. I told her she had to attend a rehab program if she wanted to live at home. She chose to leave. She has been couch surfing ever since. I cannot believe after this long a time she hasn't come to her senses, but she hasn't....

    If she was still in my home, I have no doubt that she would be doing drugs every day, dealing out of our home, and using us a crash pad. Life is SO much better with her not living there. I continue to offer rehab and support for sober living, but not much else I can do. I haven't even heard from her in a month and don't know when I will again. Her choice, not mine....
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey dont be so hard on trailer parks, some are very nice places! LOL. They arent all filled with pond scum. I have lived in a few myself. I am at least a step above that!

    But yes, at 20 your son is old enough to understand that he has to have a roof over his head before he plays. If he wants to spend all the money he earns on fun, then sleeping in the park is going to get old very fast. I dont think they let you plug in your playstation at McDonalds.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi lambsear, I haven't had to face this so don't know but was just curious why he needs guardianship? Does the reason for this give any options for services? If it's private obviously no need to say why. Only thinking someone could counsel him on where to go or maybe some group living facility?
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    by the way I did my reply on my phone and the formatting is different so maybe I misunderstood. End of ur post says at 18 husband had full custody so that is why I asked ... I saw he is 20 now ...sorry if wrong!
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Buddy, this is pretty much just for you as we are doing the guardianship bit. I'm not 100% sure, but I think the adult has to be in agreement with the arrangement (Sonic is) or be soooooooo obviously unable to make decisions for himself that the court declares it. I am not at all sure t his includes unruly adult kids in general, even if they have mental health issues only. I am not 100% sure here, but we just had a worker come out setting up guardianship for Sonic and he got to make decisions about it with us. He was very cooperative so it was no big deal. He has no desire to be independent 100%. He is aware that it would be challenging for him. I think Sonic and Q. are a bit different than many of these kids. I had a daughter who took drugs and we never even thought of guardianship. She wouldn't have agreed to it nor followed the rules.

    As for the general question...our kids who are basically homeless because they won't give up drugs, find places to stay until they finally get tired of their lifestyles and agree to get help. My daughter was VERY lucky that her older brother agreed to take her in, but his rules were stricter than ours and she knew he'd toss her out for one infraction so she listened to him, not wanting to sleep on a park bench. It varies a lot. When the drugs are still #1 in importance, our children, sadly, will live under conditions we can not imagine just to be able to use their drugs. Addiction is a sad disease, but can also be fatal so in my opinion it's best to give them a list of shelters and soup kitchens and not enable them. My daughter swears she would not have stopped using if we had kept her at home. She said, "I knew I could push you pretty far. I don't think I would have had any incentive to quit. It's hard to quit."
  10. lambsear2

    lambsear2 New Member

    Thanks for all the responses and reassurance.

    Buddy- I have to update my signature line. When I say that husband as full custody I mean since difficult child was 3yo. Certainly now that difficult child is 20 he is considered an adult in many ways and therefore responsible for himself.

    mrsammler: It is nice to hear from someone that has lived in difficult child shoes. We have spoken to difficult child about serving the in the military, but I have reservations as to how that would work with his ODD. In truth difficult child has to first realize and accept that he has a problem. He needs to take owner ship of his actions and situation. Then if he wants to change, I believe it will come. We will be here for him when that time arrives.

    Putting a child out is a sink or swim moment. It is hard to watch them struggle. But the pressure that the Grandparents are putting on us makes things worse. Lukily husband & I are on the same page. I just wish that difficult child had some clue as to why the family is upset with him.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    About the military...my middle son was in the Marines and I know from talking to lots of his friends that some of them were what I would call jr difficult child's. No full blown diagnosis's but they were headed for some serious trouble if they hadnt decided to join. Boot camp tends to relieve them of the ODD. Defiance doesnt work against a drill instructor.
  12. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    To be accurate, I wasn't a difficult child--no addictions, no defiance, no theft or mistreatment of family members (or anyone), no criminality of any kind. I was just an immature hardcore partier who was stuck in a loop of frequent partying and wouldn't pull out of it. But the lesson of my story still applies: my father got sick of the rut I was in and my refusal to behave maturely at 20, so he kicked me out. His argument, which I find quite reasonable, was that if you're 18 or over, you're either in college full time or you're out of the house. I had dropped out of college and was working full time, supposedly to save for return to college, but was really just carousing and partying and getting nowhere, so he pulled the cord, which was entirely his prerogative. But the experience of suddenly being on my own, living in pretty embarrassing & shabby conditions (rented rooms in someone's house), scared the bejeezus out of me and made me feel like a total loser, and the only way out that I could see that would definitely get me back into college on my own dime was a military enlistment, so I swallowed hard and enlisted. Best decision I ever made.

    And yes, I would imagine that basic training would cure almost any case of ODD. Defiance does NOT work and trying to get kicked out just "recycles" you back to day 1 of basic training in another unit. I.e., there's no way out, so you HAVE to shape up and start following the rules. Given a no-options situation like this, I think most difficult children (those with neuro & cognitive disorders excluded, obviously) will actually get their acts together. Plenty of kids washed out--17 out of my basic training unit--but all due to nervous breakdowns or medical problems. Defiant jerks, no matter how "tough" or stubborn, all eventually fell into line, because they had no choice. And then their lives were changed.
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I see now, still new-ish here so wasn't sure what the issues were in this case, so now I get it, no custody/guardianship as an adult. OK makes perfect sense, I would hope I could be as strong as all of you when you do this.... I suppose as with all of us, we kind of are forced to find out how strong we can be when the situation arises.

    Midwest Mom, thanks for sharing that. I am trying to be prepared ahead of time. I could totally see my son, if given the "choice" saying he wants to be independent. But he would have NO CLUE what that involves. He would think things would still magically appear and though could state you have to work and get money, would never be able to work it all out and manage it himself. I do believe he can be semi-independent though, he has some great skills and talents. I sure hope that all the documentation I will have will solve the issue of his just wanting to be "independent" and not have to listen to mom.

    I do realize that the kids here like him are very different than straight mental illness or addiction. I was just confused by the signature, that's why I asked, hope you didn't mind.