One of us is nuts, is it him or me (or both).

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by CAmom, Jan 28, 2007.

  1. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Hearthope, thank you for your post. Your son sounds a LOT like mine, even the comment about not worrying about what he did with his clothing. This is my son's favorite line when he doesn't care to be questioned.

    So far, he hasn't tried to sell anything--he really likes his clothing, and any money would be found and confiscated. I don't THINK he'll ever try to run away because he likes his creature comforts too much. Actually, other than not having the freedom to come and go as he pleases, life in his group home doesn't seem to be that bad.

    Well, we can't do much about his situation no matter how we feel, and this is the hardest thing to accept. It's his life and it's on him now. I just HOPE he is actually internalizing at least some of what they're trying to teach him, but, quite frankly, I have some doubts about it...
  2. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Katmom, that's been THE most difficult part of raising my son for me--wondering whether he really could help himself and feeling that he couldn't. I've done everything you've done--made excuses for his behavior, blamed his friends, the school system, etc. I thought that, since he was so "high-strung," we needed to manipulate his enviroment to accommodate him and so protect him from failure. Of course, NOW, I realize what a mistake that was and how doing so contributed to his lack of understanding about cause and effect.

    Well, water under the bridge, but I'm really trying to put a stop to some of his rudeness to me, starting with the phone call the other night when I told him not to call if all he wanted to do was dump. It's tough...
  3. CAmom

    CAmom Member


    Reading about your son gives me hope. And, I think what you said about the process taking time is a really good point.

    Someone else with a "problem child" told me, a while back, that no matter how many times she and her husband looked back, trying to come up with something they could have said or done differently that would have made much of a difference in their son's life (thankfully, at 22 years old, he is doing great now...), they really couldn't come up with much of anything.

    Her conclusion was that he simply needed the time to move through his life at his own speed, work through his issues, do some maturing, and reach some good conclusions about where he wanted to go with his life. Happily, he did like your son. I only hope this is what happens with my son, but, really, after only three months, it's probably way to soon to tell...
  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    3 months is way to soon to tell, plus he's only 17. My son will be 20 in March and has also made many bad decisions and had a few relapses in the 1 1/2 years it has been since we started dealing with his addiction. He was just 18 when we discovered his hugest problem and looking back I never would have thought then that he would pull through as well as he is doing right now. Dont' get me wrong, I don't let my guard down. I prepare myself that it could change at any time, but I keep hope that he will continue in the direction he is going.
    The biggest alanon motto I needed to really get used to was "progress, not perfection" As soon as my difficult child stared doing anything good in the beginning I expected perfection, and I soon learned it was going to take much longe then I had originally thought. If you expect perfection you are in for many letdowns. Continue to support your son when he is making good decisions, and learn how to react to the bad ones without too much negative emotion. My difficult child was a master manipulater, but he has learned that it no longer works, but it took a long time for him to figure that out. The support of this board and alanon taught me what I needed to do for myself, that in turn helped him.
    People used to say when we first found out about his addiction that he had his age on his side and I now believe that is true. He is young enough and has many years ahead of him to figure this all out, as does your son.

    You have come so far from when you first came here. You have gone from a mother who who didn't know how to say no, to someone who is so much stronger and seems to have learned that your strength is the best gift you can give your son:)
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    CAMom, I want to offer you hope too. It's true that your son can decide to discontinue medications, but there's nothing written in the stars that says he will or that he won't improve. My daughter was probably more messed up than your son was at his age. The drugs she took were hardcore--she even tried heroin. It freaks me out when I think about it and, worse, that we didn't know the extent of her drug use. I think I told you this story, but it's good to repeat: One day she saw her friend with track marks up and down her arms and thought, "This could be me. I'm heading there." She got tired of the police, parole, getting into trouble, and the way she was living. She made a decision to straighten out her life. In case you're thinking, "Well, she's more mature than my son" she wasn't. I swear, she was 18 with a 10 year old brain. It shocked me when she made this good choice, but she had to be out of our house and away from her old friends to clear her head and actually do it. Your son has a chance to have his own space. He is learning some good things, like to earn his own stuff :smile: In his way, it sounds like he's trying to grow up, which is good. I do think he may have a mood disorder. Depakote is to stabilize moods--it shouldn't dope him up. If it does, then it's the wrong medication for him and it's not doing it's job. My daughter was on Depakote once and she didn't like it so she did discontinue it, but she isn't showing many signs of bipolar these days. She does get upset once in a while, but not swearing at ME, screaming upset and she is off medications. She's functioning well, employed, with a boyfriend who doesn't have a pierced face and doesn't do We celebrate our victories :smile: She is my best friend. Nobody can predict his future. These kids surprise us! I hope he surprises you in the best of ways. You yourself have come so far. He can never doubt your love. Hugs from Pam :smile:

    TYLERFAN New Member

    I know what you mean KFLD. I was like that too. The minute my difficult child did something right I expected perfection and consistency from her. She is 21 and is as responsible as a not too responsible 16 year old......But there is hope, I see subtle changes. Things I only see when she is clean.
    They get very manipulative in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)....they all seem to be that way. Maybe they learn from each other. Be strong, let the "stand off" stand.
    I really wish I had parented differently, making difficult child earn rewards. I feel for you.
    Sending hugs and prayers.

    Melissa *
  7. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Pam, your post does give me hope. It's good to hear how successful your daughter has become after the rough patches.

    I believe my son IS trying to grow up in his way. We saw him last weekend, and he does seem to swing back and forth between little boy and almost-man. One moment, as I reached for his hand, he pulled away and reminded me "I'm not a little boy." The next moment, he laid his head on my shoulder and told me that he loved me.

    I'm HOPING the depakote is helping. It's been two weeks, and he told me last night that his program coordinator (who doesn't throw out complements for no reason) told him that he was "seeing an improvement in behavior."