One small victory for the marshmellow...

[Frazzledmom]

Let's see, on Christmas he entertained us by informing us that he would be moving out and becoming emancipated. Today it was..."if you just let me move out". It dawned on me that I think he is waiting for me to HELP him find a way not to live here! UGH!!

It started when he asked to go to the movies. husband said that he could go but he, easy child and easy child's friend would also be going - didn't make sense to not go together. difficult child threatened once again to run away/move out...

I came back downstairs and said, "I love you but don't want you to move out so I am not going to help you. I am DONE worrying about you running away. I don't want you to do it but if you're going to then you need to make a plan because I'm done."

Seems like a small thing I know but I've never really said anything like that before. It's always been this unconditional love/empathy/acceptance which I'm now figuring out probably wasnt' the best. I need more confidence as a mom that's for sure.

On another note, I know there is an article somewhere on detachment? Can someone give that to me. It's a skill I'll be needing. Thanks. -Lynn

 

[gcvmom]

I learned a lot of my detachment skills from a co-dependency group I attended for a while. There are lots of good books on the topic. Melody Beatty is one author who has several good books out, one of which is a collection of daily affirmations to read. They are quite good!

My difficult child 1 has made the running-away-threats many, many times, starting around age 13 or 14 and continuing up until about September/October of this year when we made the most recent medication tweak. In hindsight, we now know he was severely depressed and the lashing out was done in desperation. It used to really freak me out when he said stuff like that. But eventually, I got to where I didn't miss a beat when he started with the verbal tirades and when I responded similarly to how you did this last time with your difficult child, it really shocked him!

When a kid is angry all the time, I would be suspicious of depression. I hope your difficult child does not remain undiagnosed for much longer, for your sake AND his. It's hard on everyone.

 

[TerryJ2]

So, how did he take it when you told him that?
Congrats on an important first step.

 

[Frazzledmom]

Thank you. He's been relatively civil since. There was a bit of drama around New Year's Eve but even that seems to be working itself out. He's actually going to a friend's whose family we trust. Score one for a night off!

 

[timer lady]

The tweedles, kt especially, did the running stuff. kt was dissociative so hers was handled differently. wm, on the other hand, I'd offer to pack his bags, gave him our phone number on a slip of paper & let him know I loved him.

Sometimes, I'd put food in the backpack; other times I didn't. I don't say this because running & the emancipation thing is serious I say this because my number one motto since the tweedles arrived on my doorstep is "never let 'em see you sweat". The minute a difficult child senses fear he knows he's won. Parenting shouldn't be a battle ~ difficult children make is so in many ways.

Good job detaching. Keep us updated.

 

[Frazzledmom]

Gosh that is such good advice. Years ago a therapist told me that it was ok to show emotion. Now I'm wondering if that really headed me in the wrong direction. I have been filled with fear for a very long time and while I can't get those years back I can do things differently. Watching my other son react so positively has given me a great deal of strength. Live and learn I guess.