One step forward but I wanna smack difficult child in the head

[AmericanGirl]

difficult child signed the release.

Likely coming back next weekend and then starting partial hospitalization. Asked if we could go get his license back. I asked if he planned on driving to see anyone he used with...oh yes...two...call them H and J.

I say no way. He says I just wanna go see H for 5 minutes. I'll meet him at the gas station near his trailer. Later he says H is letting a murderer live with him and how he talked to H from rehab...H wants to go to Celebrate Recovery with him, and how H may die without help. (cue violins)

We agreed 5 minutes. Gas station. Period. And if H wants to go to CR, it won't be in a car I own.

J is an alcoholic where difficult child used a lot.

Asked difficult child to seek his counselors opinion on this. You know I'll talk to him about it myself. In fact, I am going to ask that we set up house rules with their mediation before difficult child is released.

The highlight of our talk....

difficult child...i just wanna make my own decisions.

Me....trouble is, I have to write the checks. When you write your own checks, then I'll stay quiet.

 

[recoveringenabler]

"The highlight of our talk....

difficult child...i just wanna make my own decisions.

Me....trouble is, I have to write the checks. When you write your own checks, then I'll stay quiet."

Way to go Mom! :check_writer:

 

[Calamity Jane]

The alcohol and/or the drugs can be removed, but the con artist aspect of their personality is always the last to go.

 

[Signorina]

Oh AG;

"I just want to make my own decisions" makes my stomach drop.

I am sorry if I am pessimistic.

My difficult child has said that to me 100x100 times. Its his mantra. All of this is my fault because I don't let him make his own decisions/I want to run his life. Deflection, once again.

Trust me, if I ran his life - heck if I had the ability to make even 1 decision for him; his life it would be very different from the life he is leading!

On a positive side, I wonder if your son's sober thinking & positive experience being sober makes him want to spread the sobriety to his friends.

Stay strong, dear friend

 

[Kathy813]

No, no, no! If he truly wants to stay sober he needs to make a break with all of the old druggie/alcoholic friends. This is not a good sign in my opinion. I would not agree to even a 5 minute meeting. It only takes 5 minutes to get drugs.

Sorry. I wish I could be more optimistic for you. I think you had a great response about him making his own decisions, though.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

You can't spread sobriety until you have been sober and living the program for a very long time. You can't even be a sponsor until you have had at least one year sobriety and even that is not suggested. His saying he wants to make his own decisions means he wants to do what he wants with no interference from you. My difficult child used the excuse of helping someone else so many times it made me sick. And yet she didn't even have a sponsor to help her because as we found out later she wasn't living a sober life and she was keeping those old connections and using the helping story as a cover.

Nancy

 

[AmericanGirl]

Just talked with the family counselor over there. He suggested we meet Monday to discuss what will happen after difficult child's release. He agrees difficult child shouldn't go see people he once used with.

I forgot to post this part last night but remembered to share with counselor....the kid H difficult child wants to go see....difficult child told me last night that he is living with a murderer.

Counselor said that difficult child's individual counselor says he is working the assignments well, etc. He didn't sound very encouraging for difficult child's prognosis.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Self restraint and self discipline aren't usually character traits associated with difficult children. How in the world can anyone, knowing how difficult sobriety is going to be on a day-to-day basis for the rest of their lives, make it a priority to stop off and see druggie friends, particularly one who lives with a murderer? Huh? Why is that murderer not in jail for crying out loud? You know, I'm more convinced than ever that without a pattern of constantly exercised willpower that has been developed over time, leading to a small succession of positive accomplishments, our kids just don't have the tools in their toolbox to realistically navigate the temptations of the real world. Instead of making a pattern of decisions to do the hard work, stick to it, etc., they lower the bar to avoid any lack of momentary pleasure. It is a curse for everyone: themselves, their family, even society. I'm beginning to really understand why detachment is the only option if we want to keep our sanity.

 

[pinevalley]

AG: I can totally understand your frustration at your difficult child's twisted way of thinking. It sounds like he is free of the drugs now, but he still has a long way to go in his recovery. Your difficult child sounds so much like my difficult child that it is scary. My son used to scream at me when he wasn't getting his way, saying "His life would be so much better if I just stayed out of it, and he made all the decisions." He thought that just because he was 18 years old and legally an adult that h and I should let him do whatever he wanted. I couldn't believe that difficult child was actually demanding to make his own decisions, while also lying, stealing, and using drugs every day. 18 years old was the magic age for our difficult child, because he really thought that he was entitled to live his life the way he wanted it just because he was now supposed to be an adult.

Good luck with the discharge plan and setting boundaries for your difficult child. I will send you virtual strength for the days ahead. Stay strong...

 

[buddy]

such a hard job you have, just want you to know I am thinking of you and hope his release goes well.

 

[Tiredof33]

They do all act and sound like they are cut from the same mold! Mine told me from an early age that I just liked to control. I told mine the same thing, when you get out and pay your own way you can do as you please.

Hubby tells me they just think differently than we do, but it's much more than that. I'm still not sure if they are born with this thought process (or lack of tools in the tool box lol) or the drugs have affected their thinking so much or both. I do know that a counselor told me that most of the families tell her the child was difficult from day one.

Calamit,y I'm not sure if they ever lose the con artist part! When I met difficult child's girlie the one time she told me that her 2 older siblings had lost contact. Smart people!!!!!!!!

Prayers for strength for you Agirl! (for all of us)

 

[PatriotsGirl]

No, no, no! If he truly wants to stay sober he needs to make a break with all of the old druggie/alcoholic friends. This is not a good sign in my opinion. I would not agree to even a 5 minute meeting. It only takes 5 minutes to get drugs.

Sorry. I wish I could be more optimistic for you. I think you had a great response about him making his own decisions, though.

~Kathy

I agree with what Kathy said and was going to post the same thing myself. 5 minutes at a gas station? Sounds like a drug deal to me. And by saying his friend wants to go to CR? Sounds like a way to soften you up for manipulation. I may be wrong, but that is what it screams to me.

 

[AmericanGirl]

I'm in total agreement with all of you. Talked to the counselor today. This is the family one. difficult child doesn't really see him much as he has an individual one too.

He suggested we meet Monday to develop a plan for the next phase.

I said I told difficult child to ask them what they thought about it. He agreed that was the best response - let him be mad at them, not me.

I asked how difficult child was doing and what the prognosis was. He said that difficult child's individual therapist says he is doing pretty well with the assignments. That's all he said. I pushed for more details and got nothing. I did ask if difficult child signed a general release and whether there were any restrictions on what he could say. He said he had.

I am literally sick about this. Couldn't sleep and then didn't get up until 3pm. I need balance but cannot find any. I just cannot return to life before rehab. Being afraid and crying all day long. I cannot do it. I won't do it.

difficult child is 3 weeks into treatment. He hasn't apologized for anything to speak of.....is that normal???

 

[toughlovin]

Oh gosh it is amazing how similar our difficult children are. My son thinks I am very controlling and old fashioned and judgemental. My easy child daughter who is 16 laughs at all that because she doesn't think I am any of those things compared to her friends parents. LOL. The difference isn't really me but the kid and how I have to parent each of them. Funny how our difficult children want to make all their decisions but they don't do anything to really earn that responsibility....Fact is in a normal situation that increased freedom and responsibility comes naturally as I am seeing with my easy child daughter. She is getting more freedom, less questions, more responsibility naturally.... I am not a chain around her neck!! My son always abused any freedom we gave him... always had Occupational Therapist (OT) push it past any reasonable limit and then complain when we put any lmits on him.

TL

 

[Nancy]

AG my difficult child was in treatment for 90 days and then intensive IOP for six weeks and I never got an apology. She never got to the step in AA where she was suppose to make amends. That told me a long time ago that she wasn't serious. I was just putting blinders on and hoping, but I should have known better.

Nancy

 

[exhausted]

AG mine was a total of 2.5 years in RTCs and yes we got apologies at the the first place within a few weeks because their level changes were dependent on that. She seemed sincere at the time. There was a 3 month period where we really saw growth (medications. were right as well). Upon release from the first Residential Treatment Center (RTC) she refused the medications and did things even worse than before. Even if you get apologies you just never know if they are sincere. If they are sometimes they just cant stop the relapse cycle and do the same stuff again and again. To me the only real progress is "proof in the pudding" They change a bad behavior for a long time. They make ammends-pay back money or something. I have gotten very little of this. In 3 weeks you will not have his life changed but it is a start and if he will work the program, he has a chance.

I would not let him drive or approve of the visits with these druggy friends at all. They need to be off his plate. Hugs and hang in there.

 

[pinevalley]

AG: I know that it is terribly scary to think about difficult child coming home and returning to the crisis that it was before rehab. This is the nightmare that we all worry about here. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you can't go back to the way it was before rehab. I never want to go back to all the lying, stealing, screaming, and more when my difficult child was out of control on drugs.

You have been a real warrior mom with your difficult child, and I know that you are strong enough to handle what lies ahead. I can't remember if you are involved with an FA or Alanon group. I hope that you have a support group or some other friends close to you who can give you support when your difficult child gets home.

Please take care of yourself this week-end, and try to get some rest. (((Many, many HUGS to you!)))

 

[Kathy813]

I'll smack him for you. I wouldn't mind smacking a difficult child or two. I noticed this has become a theme in the thread titles.



~Kathy

 

[AmericanGirl]

I remember the year and a half that I fought difficult child's bio dad for him. He was abusing him and it took forever to get enough proof, etc. I would have DIED to keep difficult child safe.

Now, I see a point where I have zero contact with him. It might be easier if it was cancer. I hate cancer. I could hate the disease. I know alcoholism is a disease but difficult child has to fight it...just as I fought cancer. If I said, no thanks, I think I'll skip chemo this week, would people have understood? NO... So, do I understand when difficult child says, I'll think I'll go see my old addict friends. NO...

I HATE HATE HATE how I'm feeling right now. But I cannot seem to snap out of it.

Have been making outreach calls to Alanon contacts and reading literature off and on all day. Just so tired of it....

Thanks for listening.

 

[pinevalley]

AG: I am sending hugs, good wishes, and virtual strength to you. You are a great mom.