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Parent Emeritus
One Year Later-lots has happened, nothing has changed, at the end of my rope
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 631783" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Scott and welcome back. I think you stopped posting here about the time I started posting here. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You sound done. You sound completely sick and tired. And I get that. </p><p></p><p>I was like that with my marriage to my alcoholic husband. I was married to him for 29 years. We had dated for four years before that. I had been with him basically my whole adult life. When I was finally done, he had been a year in recovery. But our relationship was just too far gone. I really tried hard NOT to be done. I didn't want to be divorced, and believe me, divorce, even when you KNOW it is the very best thing to do for yourself, is awful on its best day. </p><p></p><p>Now, I have been divorced nearly 7 years, and I am getting married again in November. I have survived this. </p><p></p><p>Of course, that is different from your situation, Scott, getting divorced and physically and emotionally detaching from your son. </p><p></p><p>I imagine that you will grieve this, the complete giving up of your son. Even though I understand he has been absent for a long, long time, your real son. </p><p></p><p>And I hate to see you have to give up your marriage too, because that is a whole lot of loss, Scott. </p><p></p><p>Your wife, his mother, has she done any work on herself, Scott? Is she willing to? Does she want to do anything different, when it comes to your son? </p><p></p><p>If she wants to change the way she deals with your son, Al-Anon would be wonderful for her. And for you as well, if you aren't going to Al-Anon. </p><p></p><p>It is a place of peace and kindness and support and understanding. They get it. They are doing the same thing we are all doing. Trying to live with addiction. </p><p></p><p>Only you know your situation, and I am so sorry that you are where you are with your son. </p><p></p><p>I think you are right, a 32 year old man, doing the same thing over and over and over again, is not a good thing for you or your marriage. I would be more than ready, myself, to take a huge step away from it all. And I am a mother, and I also understand your wife's pull toward your son, perhaps a different pull than yours.</p><p></p><p>But my hard work on myself has also taught me the hard, hard way, through daily experience, that there is not one single thing I can do or not do that is going to change what my son decides to do. </p><p></p><p>He turned 25 yesterday. We had a nice birthday dinner. And now I am going to continue doing my level best to stay out of his way so he can live his own life, whatever that is.</p><p></p><p>I hope and pray that you and your wife can find a way to go forward together. I would hate for the both of you to lose your marriage after the loss of your hopes and dreams for your son. It sounds like you still love each other and that is always so valuable.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs Scott. Thank you for sharing with us. I am sure you have a lot of wisdom and I would love to hear more.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 631783, member: 17542"] Hi Scott and welcome back. I think you stopped posting here about the time I started posting here. You sound done. You sound completely sick and tired. And I get that. I was like that with my marriage to my alcoholic husband. I was married to him for 29 years. We had dated for four years before that. I had been with him basically my whole adult life. When I was finally done, he had been a year in recovery. But our relationship was just too far gone. I really tried hard NOT to be done. I didn't want to be divorced, and believe me, divorce, even when you KNOW it is the very best thing to do for yourself, is awful on its best day. Now, I have been divorced nearly 7 years, and I am getting married again in November. I have survived this. Of course, that is different from your situation, Scott, getting divorced and physically and emotionally detaching from your son. I imagine that you will grieve this, the complete giving up of your son. Even though I understand he has been absent for a long, long time, your real son. And I hate to see you have to give up your marriage too, because that is a whole lot of loss, Scott. Your wife, his mother, has she done any work on herself, Scott? Is she willing to? Does she want to do anything different, when it comes to your son? If she wants to change the way she deals with your son, Al-Anon would be wonderful for her. And for you as well, if you aren't going to Al-Anon. It is a place of peace and kindness and support and understanding. They get it. They are doing the same thing we are all doing. Trying to live with addiction. Only you know your situation, and I am so sorry that you are where you are with your son. I think you are right, a 32 year old man, doing the same thing over and over and over again, is not a good thing for you or your marriage. I would be more than ready, myself, to take a huge step away from it all. And I am a mother, and I also understand your wife's pull toward your son, perhaps a different pull than yours. But my hard work on myself has also taught me the hard, hard way, through daily experience, that there is not one single thing I can do or not do that is going to change what my son decides to do. He turned 25 yesterday. We had a nice birthday dinner. And now I am going to continue doing my level best to stay out of his way so he can live his own life, whatever that is. I hope and pray that you and your wife can find a way to go forward together. I would hate for the both of you to lose your marriage after the loss of your hopes and dreams for your son. It sounds like you still love each other and that is always so valuable. Warm hugs Scott. Thank you for sharing with us. I am sure you have a lot of wisdom and I would love to hear more. [/QUOTE]
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One Year Later-lots has happened, nothing has changed, at the end of my rope
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