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Parent Emeritus
One Year Later-lots has happened, nothing has changed, at the end of my rope
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<blockquote data-quote="Scott_G" data-source="post: 631796" data-attributes="member: 16626"><p>The thing about therapy and my wife is that she had one bad experience and now in her mind all therapists are a bunch of quacks. I am convinced that she believes that your problems are something you keep to yourself. One time I got caught confiding in my sister-in-law about some of our problems and my wife had a fit. She went on about us talking behind her back and how she can't trust me because I talk about her. I have tried many times to get her to see things my way. Twice our son has lived with us as an adult, and both times she was the one who kicked him out. When I tell her "I told you so" she acknowledges I'm right, but you know what they say about mother bears and their cubs. When the <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> hits the fan again (and it always does) she's right back enabling him with all new justifications as to why she feels she's doing the right thing for him. Since joining this site I have tried to get her to at least understand what detachment is, and I'm not talking about going no contact either, but she keeps saying " I can't do that to my child". My wife is stubborn and strong willed, that can be a good thing and a bad thing. </p><p> </p><p>What makes things worse for us is that my wife also suffers from depression. She won't go to therapy, and instead manages her depression through an endless array of pills. Personally I don't think anti-depressants alone do the trick. And this is one of the ways our son gets to me through her. We she gets upset over him, her depression worsens and it impacts me. Back in 2012 when things started to fall apart with him she went into a deep depression. I felt like I was walking on egg shells around our house quite frequently. I feel like depression is contagious-living with a depressed person is depressing. Like I said before, despite all the grief he has brought us, when he went back to try living with his Godfather (again) she cried for days out of lonlieness. She slept most of the day, didn't shower, no makeup, no getting dressed, no housework, and did I mention the crying? When she gets depressed she gets very withdrawn. Very easy to do especially since she doesn't work. So even if I don't have to deal with him or hear what he is up to, if his behavior makes her upset, it will find it's way back to making me upset.</p><p> </p><p>Divorce is the last thing I want. I really do like being married and I don't want to be alone. I am not taking this lightly at all, but I feel like I have no other options to get through to her and make her understand what his behavior has done to us. Personally I think it is not fair at all to me that my wife puts her 32 year old son before her own husband. I could see if he was still 15, but at 32, no way! It makes me feel minimalized because her message to me is clear-my place in her life is #2 and her son will always come first, even if it means her violating my trust. Right now trust is a big issue to me. I have made it clear that he can't live with us, yet while I am away on business she lets him come live with us. I tell her that he is to get no more money, yet she goes behind my back and gives him over $1000 and then has the nerve to lie to me about it when I confronted her. She only came clean when I told her I was going to get the police involved. I too share that feeling that the relationship may be too far gone. The damage is done and I for one now face the difficult task of not only trying to convince my wife to detach, but to also trust that she will follow through if she agrees to. In some way I think of divorce as a defense mechanism. Knowing my wife and her depression, if my son ever ends up dead (not unlikely for a heroin addict) I know that our marriage will not survive that. I guess I want to just head off the inevitible. At the same time, I feel that this is the only way I can make my wife see how serious of a problem our son has been on our relationship and how damaging enabling is for all involved. For as awful as it is, right now I see divorce as the lesser of two evils. That's how bad life with a difficult child can be. Not only will I go from being married to single, but divorce will probably ruin me financially since I make a lot of money and my wife hasn't worked since 2008. I have a buddy who went from being a married homeowner with two kids, to a divorced guy living in a studio apartment with barely two nickels to rub together. I don't want to lose my house and I don't want to lose my dog-he's my best friend. I plan on having an honest long talk with my wife tonight. She called and mentioned that since our son is back in town and it's his birthday that we should take him out to dinner. This is a good lead in to tell her that not only will I not be taking him to dinner, but I am going to lay all of my cards on the table and tell her what needs to happen if she wants to continue being married.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scott_G, post: 631796, member: 16626"] The thing about therapy and my wife is that she had one bad experience and now in her mind all therapists are a bunch of quacks. I am convinced that she believes that your problems are something you keep to yourself. One time I got caught confiding in my sister-in-law about some of our problems and my wife had a fit. She went on about us talking behind her back and how she can't trust me because I talk about her. I have tried many times to get her to see things my way. Twice our son has lived with us as an adult, and both times she was the one who kicked him out. When I tell her "I told you so" she acknowledges I'm right, but you know what they say about mother bears and their cubs. When the :censored2: hits the fan again (and it always does) she's right back enabling him with all new justifications as to why she feels she's doing the right thing for him. Since joining this site I have tried to get her to at least understand what detachment is, and I'm not talking about going no contact either, but she keeps saying " I can't do that to my child". My wife is stubborn and strong willed, that can be a good thing and a bad thing. What makes things worse for us is that my wife also suffers from depression. She won't go to therapy, and instead manages her depression through an endless array of pills. Personally I don't think anti-depressants alone do the trick. And this is one of the ways our son gets to me through her. We she gets upset over him, her depression worsens and it impacts me. Back in 2012 when things started to fall apart with him she went into a deep depression. I felt like I was walking on egg shells around our house quite frequently. I feel like depression is contagious-living with a depressed person is depressing. Like I said before, despite all the grief he has brought us, when he went back to try living with his Godfather (again) she cried for days out of lonlieness. She slept most of the day, didn't shower, no makeup, no getting dressed, no housework, and did I mention the crying? When she gets depressed she gets very withdrawn. Very easy to do especially since she doesn't work. So even if I don't have to deal with him or hear what he is up to, if his behavior makes her upset, it will find it's way back to making me upset. Divorce is the last thing I want. I really do like being married and I don't want to be alone. I am not taking this lightly at all, but I feel like I have no other options to get through to her and make her understand what his behavior has done to us. Personally I think it is not fair at all to me that my wife puts her 32 year old son before her own husband. I could see if he was still 15, but at 32, no way! It makes me feel minimalized because her message to me is clear-my place in her life is #2 and her son will always come first, even if it means her violating my trust. Right now trust is a big issue to me. I have made it clear that he can't live with us, yet while I am away on business she lets him come live with us. I tell her that he is to get no more money, yet she goes behind my back and gives him over $1000 and then has the nerve to lie to me about it when I confronted her. She only came clean when I told her I was going to get the police involved. I too share that feeling that the relationship may be too far gone. The damage is done and I for one now face the difficult task of not only trying to convince my wife to detach, but to also trust that she will follow through if she agrees to. In some way I think of divorce as a defense mechanism. Knowing my wife and her depression, if my son ever ends up dead (not unlikely for a heroin addict) I know that our marriage will not survive that. I guess I want to just head off the inevitible. At the same time, I feel that this is the only way I can make my wife see how serious of a problem our son has been on our relationship and how damaging enabling is for all involved. For as awful as it is, right now I see divorce as the lesser of two evils. That's how bad life with a difficult child can be. Not only will I go from being married to single, but divorce will probably ruin me financially since I make a lot of money and my wife hasn't worked since 2008. I have a buddy who went from being a married homeowner with two kids, to a divorced guy living in a studio apartment with barely two nickels to rub together. I don't want to lose my house and I don't want to lose my dog-he's my best friend. I plan on having an honest long talk with my wife tonight. She called and mentioned that since our son is back in town and it's his birthday that we should take him out to dinner. This is a good lead in to tell her that not only will I not be taking him to dinner, but I am going to lay all of my cards on the table and tell her what needs to happen if she wants to continue being married. [/QUOTE]
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