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Parent Emeritus
One Year Later-lots has happened, nothing has changed, at the end of my rope
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 631855" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Scott, in reading your last post, I was trying to remember and put myself right back in your wife's place, where I once was. It is so very hard to let go of your child. You know that, too. </p><p></p><p>To even begin the process, you have to be completely sick and tired. Like you are now. Like I finally was at one point. Your wife isn't there yet. The shock of your possibly leaving over this may be enough to wake her up, but it likely will take even more, a few more rounds with your son, at least. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't either. I think it's like any recovery, we have to change our thinking, our attitudes, our behavior. A whole lot has to change, not just our brain chemistry. I think active addiction, active enabling and active depression have a lot of similarities. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is 100 percent true. In a marriage, the two people have to be prime. The loyalty and trust have to be there first. The marriage will not survive without that agreed upon foundation. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't blame you one bit here. I remember in marriage counseling, the last go-around for us, the therapist drew a pyramid on the flip chart. At the very bottom, the longest and stabilizing block, was Trust. She said this: You don't trust him anymore. And without trust, the rest of the blocks will crumble. You will have to rebuild your trust in order to make this work. </p><p></p><p>That was very true. I didn't trust him emotionally at all. He was living another life, doing a lot of secret drinking, living inside his disease, walling everybody else off, doing whatever he was doing, in secret. I'm not talking here about infidelity or money issues---that wasn't a problem for us. It was the complete living of another life of drinking and all that comes with it. And the denial. He said things to me that I have never heard anybody say to anybody else, when I confronted him (big mistake on my part) over and over again about his drinking and its effects. The whole house of cards was falling down, and he was terrified and I was furious. I had no idea for a long long time---my exhusband was a very high functioning alcoholic, professional executive, etc. etc. I was in his face (my bad, that's on me) and he was running for cover. The trust was gone, and over time, the love died too. It was very sad and still is sad, but it is what it is. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My fiance was in that same spot. He is a high-earning executive and his ex-wife stayed home and raised their now-20 year old daughter. When they divorced, he paid and paid and paid, alimony and child support, to the point he was living in a very small apartment and selling his photography and paintings for extra money. The $$$ was based on pre-recession very high earnings that did not replicate. This was in 2006 and 2007. But anyway, he got through it, and now all of that is done, and we are very happy together. </p><p></p><p>Scott, who knows your future? None of us do. But I so understand being done. Just keep taking your own pulse and making sure (as sure as you can be) that this is your only course of action, right now today. </p><p></p><p>It's a very hard road, complete detachment from your son and then your wife. I just hate to see anybody have to live that kind of loss, but it may be right for you. </p><p></p><p>I hope the talk went well last night and something right and good can come next for you all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 631855, member: 17542"] Scott, in reading your last post, I was trying to remember and put myself right back in your wife's place, where I once was. It is so very hard to let go of your child. You know that, too. To even begin the process, you have to be completely sick and tired. Like you are now. Like I finally was at one point. Your wife isn't there yet. The shock of your possibly leaving over this may be enough to wake her up, but it likely will take even more, a few more rounds with your son, at least. I don't either. I think it's like any recovery, we have to change our thinking, our attitudes, our behavior. A whole lot has to change, not just our brain chemistry. I think active addiction, active enabling and active depression have a lot of similarities. This is 100 percent true. In a marriage, the two people have to be prime. The loyalty and trust have to be there first. The marriage will not survive without that agreed upon foundation. I don't blame you one bit here. I remember in marriage counseling, the last go-around for us, the therapist drew a pyramid on the flip chart. At the very bottom, the longest and stabilizing block, was Trust. She said this: You don't trust him anymore. And without trust, the rest of the blocks will crumble. You will have to rebuild your trust in order to make this work. That was very true. I didn't trust him emotionally at all. He was living another life, doing a lot of secret drinking, living inside his disease, walling everybody else off, doing whatever he was doing, in secret. I'm not talking here about infidelity or money issues---that wasn't a problem for us. It was the complete living of another life of drinking and all that comes with it. And the denial. He said things to me that I have never heard anybody say to anybody else, when I confronted him (big mistake on my part) over and over again about his drinking and its effects. The whole house of cards was falling down, and he was terrified and I was furious. I had no idea for a long long time---my exhusband was a very high functioning alcoholic, professional executive, etc. etc. I was in his face (my bad, that's on me) and he was running for cover. The trust was gone, and over time, the love died too. It was very sad and still is sad, but it is what it is. My fiance was in that same spot. He is a high-earning executive and his ex-wife stayed home and raised their now-20 year old daughter. When they divorced, he paid and paid and paid, alimony and child support, to the point he was living in a very small apartment and selling his photography and paintings for extra money. The $$$ was based on pre-recession very high earnings that did not replicate. This was in 2006 and 2007. But anyway, he got through it, and now all of that is done, and we are very happy together. Scott, who knows your future? None of us do. But I so understand being done. Just keep taking your own pulse and making sure (as sure as you can be) that this is your only course of action, right now today. It's a very hard road, complete detachment from your son and then your wife. I just hate to see anybody have to live that kind of loss, but it may be right for you. I hope the talk went well last night and something right and good can come next for you all. [/QUOTE]
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One Year Later-lots has happened, nothing has changed, at the end of my rope
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