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One Year Later-lots has happened, nothing has changed, at the end of my rope
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 631874" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Scott, I was the way your wife is.</p><p></p><p>Guilt was the crux of the issue. </p><p></p><p>Shame and frustration, anger and grief..those emotions were all roiling around in there too, but those negative things were my punishment, my motivators. They kept me hoping, kept me seeking solutions.</p><p></p><p>I was, and still am, to a degree, powerless in the face of it, if the child is in enough trouble.</p><p></p><p>There seems to be some genetic imperative built into moms that keeps us connected to our kids in that same way that we were connected to and fascinated by them when they were infants. Until the kids are functioning well on their own, that instinctual response to them continues.</p><p></p><p>If you were to explore this with your wife you might find that, like me, she is responding to and instinctively protecting the child she was raising before that child went a bad way.</p><p></p><p>Looking back, I think that is what happened to me.</p><p></p><p>Though my children were in their thirties, the child I saw, the child I was loving and saving and instinctively protecting was still, in my mental immagery, the age at which everything went wrong.</p><p></p><p>I kept going back to that time, kept trying to fix it, to make it like the bad thing never happened.</p><p></p><p>I think moms especially do not see the dysfunctional adult their child has become. I was so surprised when I began to be able to put the face of the man my son had become over the face of that young boy I still carried in my heart.</p><p></p><p>My son was 37 or 38 when that started happening. I am very sure it would never have happened at all, had I not had this site. The more clearly I saw that my son was really a grown up man, the more clearly I could see that whether I had reason to be guilty for some missing thing in his childhood, for some vulnerability I had created in this blessing of a boy I had been given the responsibility of raising...he was his own now.</p><p></p><p>I could see that my job now as a responsible mother was to expect him to behave as the man I had raised him to be.</p><p></p><p>I got it that I was hurting my own child by demanding anything less.</p><p></p><p>But until I could see that Scott, I was where it sounds like your wife is, now. I was protecting my child from...my own husband, from his own father. And here's the thing: It's an added little twist I haven't figured out yet, but I know it's in there. My son was destroying himself. He was an addict.</p><p></p><p>I could not face it then, and I still.have trouble with it now, because I want so badly for that not to be true.</p><p></p><p>So..</p><p></p><p>His father was the only thing I COULD protect my son from.</p><p></p><p>So I did.</p><p></p><p>And though our marriage was in serious trouble...the addict living in my son's body got what he wanted.</p><p></p><p>And he could not have cared less that he had destroyed his own parents' marriage to do it.</p><p></p><p>You can save your marriage, Scott.</p><p></p><p>My husband did.</p><p></p><p>One of the things husband did was to buy a little cabin on a lake an hour away from either child. The kids still came, the problems still happened, but the kids had not grown up in that cabin. It was ours, husband and mine, in a way the house where the kids had grown up never was.</p><p></p><p>Another was to pry me out of my fixation with whatever crisis was happening with the kids by taking me (and only me) on vacation.</p><p></p><p>Believe it or not, I was forever wanting to bring the kids!</p><p></p><p>I still have that dream that someday everything is going to somehow be magically alright and we will all be together the way I always believed it would be.</p><p></p><p>husband?</p><p></p><p>Not so much.</p><p></p><p>:0)</p><p></p><p>He doesn't dissuade or disparage me for that dream though, Scott.</p><p></p><p>At some level, my husband knows more about what I have had to do to survive what has happened to our family than I do.</p><p></p><p>You have to do that too Scott.</p><p></p><p>Your wife has not left you.</p><p></p><p>You were both coming back before your son descended.</p><p></p><p>There is much to protect, and so much to cherish still, in your marriage.</p><p></p><p>But you need to be smart. </p><p></p><p>Get away with her alone whenever you can. Drive, if you can do it. Long road trips bring you back together in a way nothing else can.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 631874, member: 17461"] Scott, I was the way your wife is. Guilt was the crux of the issue. Shame and frustration, anger and grief..those emotions were all roiling around in there too, but those negative things were my punishment, my motivators. They kept me hoping, kept me seeking solutions. I was, and still am, to a degree, powerless in the face of it, if the child is in enough trouble. There seems to be some genetic imperative built into moms that keeps us connected to our kids in that same way that we were connected to and fascinated by them when they were infants. Until the kids are functioning well on their own, that instinctual response to them continues. If you were to explore this with your wife you might find that, like me, she is responding to and instinctively protecting the child she was raising before that child went a bad way. Looking back, I think that is what happened to me. Though my children were in their thirties, the child I saw, the child I was loving and saving and instinctively protecting was still, in my mental immagery, the age at which everything went wrong. I kept going back to that time, kept trying to fix it, to make it like the bad thing never happened. I think moms especially do not see the dysfunctional adult their child has become. I was so surprised when I began to be able to put the face of the man my son had become over the face of that young boy I still carried in my heart. My son was 37 or 38 when that started happening. I am very sure it would never have happened at all, had I not had this site. The more clearly I saw that my son was really a grown up man, the more clearly I could see that whether I had reason to be guilty for some missing thing in his childhood, for some vulnerability I had created in this blessing of a boy I had been given the responsibility of raising...he was his own now. I could see that my job now as a responsible mother was to expect him to behave as the man I had raised him to be. I got it that I was hurting my own child by demanding anything less. But until I could see that Scott, I was where it sounds like your wife is, now. I was protecting my child from...my own husband, from his own father. And here's the thing: It's an added little twist I haven't figured out yet, but I know it's in there. My son was destroying himself. He was an addict. I could not face it then, and I still.have trouble with it now, because I want so badly for that not to be true. So.. His father was the only thing I COULD protect my son from. So I did. And though our marriage was in serious trouble...the addict living in my son's body got what he wanted. And he could not have cared less that he had destroyed his own parents' marriage to do it. You can save your marriage, Scott. My husband did. One of the things husband did was to buy a little cabin on a lake an hour away from either child. The kids still came, the problems still happened, but the kids had not grown up in that cabin. It was ours, husband and mine, in a way the house where the kids had grown up never was. Another was to pry me out of my fixation with whatever crisis was happening with the kids by taking me (and only me) on vacation. Believe it or not, I was forever wanting to bring the kids! I still have that dream that someday everything is going to somehow be magically alright and we will all be together the way I always believed it would be. husband? Not so much. :0) He doesn't dissuade or disparage me for that dream though, Scott. At some level, my husband knows more about what I have had to do to survive what has happened to our family than I do. You have to do that too Scott. Your wife has not left you. You were both coming back before your son descended. There is much to protect, and so much to cherish still, in your marriage. But you need to be smart. Get away with her alone whenever you can. Drive, if you can do it. Long road trips bring you back together in a way nothing else can. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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One Year Later-lots has happened, nothing has changed, at the end of my rope
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