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One Year Later-lots has happened, nothing has changed, at the end of my rope
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<blockquote data-quote="Scott_G" data-source="post: 631970" data-attributes="member: 16626"><p>We had the talk and things went better than I thought, BUT, in the world of difficult child I have learned that the shortest route to disappointement is getting your hopes up. I really hate the idea of giving ultimatums in a marriage, but I feel that in my situation I had no choice. I had to be honest with my wife about how this is effecting me and I had to make it very clear that it has upset me to the point that I am seriously considering leaving. I think that is what hit her the hardest. She told me that she doesn't want that. So I laid down the line in the sand. I made it clear that he would recieve no more money from us at all. He would also never under any circumstances be allowed to spend even one night at our house. I told my wife to not ever even ask me about it again if it comes up. I also told her that I really don't want to give him any kind of help at all. She said that she didn't see anything wrong with giving him a ride once in a while or taking him grocery shopping if he had his own money. I reminded her that a middle aged man shouldn't need his mommy to drive him around. I also reminded her of the time when we were just starting out and both our cars died and we coudln't afford to get them fixed right away. We walked, took the bus, or took a cab wherever we needed to go. We faced adversity on our own-the way adults are supposed to. I reminded her how he had a car that was repossessed because he spent all his money on drugs. I reminded her that he found a roomate and got nearly $2000 for security depoist, first and last months rent, money that was supposed to go toward buying a car, and he spent it all on drugs. He has no car by his own choice, and even something as seemingly innocent as giving him a ride to the store is enabling. His mother is protecting him from the full consequences of his own actions. I was also very honest with her in telling her that I personally have no interest in having any relationship at all with him at this time. If he truly wants to turn his life around, or at the very least take responsibility for his own actions, then I would consider it, but while he is using drugs and living/behaving the way he is, I just don't need him in my life. </p><p> </p><p>The timing of this seemed to be right. After the initial depression of him leaving town had passed, my wife had a brief four weeks where she was free from his drama. As is typical with a difficult child, he didn't call us when he didn't need something. He called a few times when he got down there and then no communication until he told his mother he was coming back here. During his absence she had some time to step back and do some examination of the situation. I get the impression that she was coming to some of these conclusions on her own. But as I said, I am not getting my hopes up. I have heard it before, but every time he ended up in trouble in the past, she went right back to helping him despite previously sweairing she was done with his nonsense. My wife also admitted that deep down she wished that he had not returned to town. So who knows, maybe she is finally starting to come around, and realizing that her grown son is ruining her marriage might just be the kick that she needs to detach, if at least emotionally. Finally I suggested that she take control over the calls with him. When he is having a hard time he will call her multiple times a day. Sometimes he will even get beligernet with her. She agreed that she needs to take a step back and let him sort out his own problems.</p><p> </p><p>I brought up marriage counseling but to my dismay, she quickly shot that idea down because she knows someone who went and said it actually made their marriage worse. So I guess we have to do it on our own. I have considered counseling on my own, but not sure how helpful that would be without her involved. </p><p> </p><p>This is not the end of the story by any means, it's the beginning of a new journey. The damage has been done and it's not just going to go away. We both have to work to restore our marriage to something it once was. Besides the issue with our son, we have a lot of the same old been married forever take each other for granted kind of issues that a lot of couples have. The kind of things that may seem small, but can fester into infidelity and divorce. Now add the drama of a drug addict adult child. How can one possibly fix their marriage if all of their time and emotional energy is going into trying to fix another person who really does not want to be fixed? I have a lot of work to do. I need to learn to put the past behind me. I need to learn to forgive my wife for betraying my trust. I also need to learn to completely let go of the problems of my son. Even though I have basically gone no contact, it doesn't mean I don't think about it. This is a very sad and unfortunate story. He has so much potential. He has carpentry skills, and when he is sober and keeping his temper in check, I will admit that he actually has a much stronger work ethic than either his mother or father. If he just kpet his life together, he could be so much more now. I have to put that behind me. And finally, since I am being a realist, if my wife does not hold up her end of the bargain and the dysfunction continues to plague our marriage, I need to have the strength and conviction to follow through and leave like I said I would. For now I am just going to take it one day at a time.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scott_G, post: 631970, member: 16626"] We had the talk and things went better than I thought, BUT, in the world of difficult child I have learned that the shortest route to disappointement is getting your hopes up. I really hate the idea of giving ultimatums in a marriage, but I feel that in my situation I had no choice. I had to be honest with my wife about how this is effecting me and I had to make it very clear that it has upset me to the point that I am seriously considering leaving. I think that is what hit her the hardest. She told me that she doesn't want that. So I laid down the line in the sand. I made it clear that he would recieve no more money from us at all. He would also never under any circumstances be allowed to spend even one night at our house. I told my wife to not ever even ask me about it again if it comes up. I also told her that I really don't want to give him any kind of help at all. She said that she didn't see anything wrong with giving him a ride once in a while or taking him grocery shopping if he had his own money. I reminded her that a middle aged man shouldn't need his mommy to drive him around. I also reminded her of the time when we were just starting out and both our cars died and we coudln't afford to get them fixed right away. We walked, took the bus, or took a cab wherever we needed to go. We faced adversity on our own-the way adults are supposed to. I reminded her how he had a car that was repossessed because he spent all his money on drugs. I reminded her that he found a roomate and got nearly $2000 for security depoist, first and last months rent, money that was supposed to go toward buying a car, and he spent it all on drugs. He has no car by his own choice, and even something as seemingly innocent as giving him a ride to the store is enabling. His mother is protecting him from the full consequences of his own actions. I was also very honest with her in telling her that I personally have no interest in having any relationship at all with him at this time. If he truly wants to turn his life around, or at the very least take responsibility for his own actions, then I would consider it, but while he is using drugs and living/behaving the way he is, I just don't need him in my life. The timing of this seemed to be right. After the initial depression of him leaving town had passed, my wife had a brief four weeks where she was free from his drama. As is typical with a difficult child, he didn't call us when he didn't need something. He called a few times when he got down there and then no communication until he told his mother he was coming back here. During his absence she had some time to step back and do some examination of the situation. I get the impression that she was coming to some of these conclusions on her own. But as I said, I am not getting my hopes up. I have heard it before, but every time he ended up in trouble in the past, she went right back to helping him despite previously sweairing she was done with his nonsense. My wife also admitted that deep down she wished that he had not returned to town. So who knows, maybe she is finally starting to come around, and realizing that her grown son is ruining her marriage might just be the kick that she needs to detach, if at least emotionally. Finally I suggested that she take control over the calls with him. When he is having a hard time he will call her multiple times a day. Sometimes he will even get beligernet with her. She agreed that she needs to take a step back and let him sort out his own problems. I brought up marriage counseling but to my dismay, she quickly shot that idea down because she knows someone who went and said it actually made their marriage worse. So I guess we have to do it on our own. I have considered counseling on my own, but not sure how helpful that would be without her involved. This is not the end of the story by any means, it's the beginning of a new journey. The damage has been done and it's not just going to go away. We both have to work to restore our marriage to something it once was. Besides the issue with our son, we have a lot of the same old been married forever take each other for granted kind of issues that a lot of couples have. The kind of things that may seem small, but can fester into infidelity and divorce. Now add the drama of a drug addict adult child. How can one possibly fix their marriage if all of their time and emotional energy is going into trying to fix another person who really does not want to be fixed? I have a lot of work to do. I need to learn to put the past behind me. I need to learn to forgive my wife for betraying my trust. I also need to learn to completely let go of the problems of my son. Even though I have basically gone no contact, it doesn't mean I don't think about it. This is a very sad and unfortunate story. He has so much potential. He has carpentry skills, and when he is sober and keeping his temper in check, I will admit that he actually has a much stronger work ethic than either his mother or father. If he just kpet his life together, he could be so much more now. I have to put that behind me. And finally, since I am being a realist, if my wife does not hold up her end of the bargain and the dysfunction continues to plague our marriage, I need to have the strength and conviction to follow through and leave like I said I would. For now I am just going to take it one day at a time. [/QUOTE]
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One Year Later-lots has happened, nothing has changed, at the end of my rope
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