Only if you like to read.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Thumbprint Love, Sep 26, 2012.

  1. Thumbprint Love

    Thumbprint Love New Member

    Me | Mother that started out far too young (17!) though my years are young (36) my body has been through more then most ever will. Most major bones have been broken, learned how to walk all over again. A lot of life's lessons learned early, and THANKFULLY I finally paid attention to them, so they will not repeat. Struggling to the point of no return with her difficult child Son. Trying desperately not to worry about her 18 yo easy child that decided she was 'all grown up' and moved to Idaho. Oh, I also have my own issues of Anxiety (especially social) and I'm sure there's fractions of many other things.
    WONDERFUL SO | Has tolerated my son and myself for almost 4 years, though I wonder daily how and WHY. Works his **** off (and it's already narrow!) knowing that it's just too difficult for me to work. I could not be more blessed and my heart hurts because he WANTS to be a Father/Parental figure, but can only take so much abuse from my difficult child son.
    difficult child Son | 14yo son that has always been just a little bit different. Even as a baby he NEVER slept. It did not matter if he was put down at 7pm or 3am, he was up by 5am. I have never been a morning person - It's always been difficult, but I've managed with just a few scrapes along the way (he snuck out when he was around the age of two, and locked himself into our down stairs neighbor's car at 6am!!!) I BEGGED for his Doctors and even his kinder garden teachers to have him evaluated, and was told he was a "normal healthy boy". His weight/height has always been pretty average and perfect - takes after his bio dad (in too many ways I'm deathly afraid!) In 2nd grade, I was called bu his teacher that made sure I knew she "didn't want to offend me, but would I consider consenting to letting difficult child be tested for ADHD, because they already had another child in observation, and it wouldn't be difficult at all." I had just taken a sip of coffee and almost choked on it laughing. When I recovered, all I could do was say "Thank you!" over & over. difficult child was shortly there after diagnosed with ADHD. We (difficult child & myself, I was a single mom then) tried medications (I think that time, there was around 6 types, all taking months to 'wean off & on') but they all had the same effects - they were 'ok' for a bit, then it was like they tapered off and stopped working. I starting getting frustrated because my difficult child would make a bad decision and when we spoke about it, I felt I was always getting an excuse. "I forgot my medications." - "The medications are wrong" - etc. I saw it being used as more of a crutch then an assist in judgement and control - he still had NONE. Through out that time and since, there have been other issues and factors that have not stopped, if anything have only worsened in some areas. Fire - matches, lighters - you name it, he likes it. He's been caught burning candles, incense, a stick! (in the back yard, after which he paraded around like he was Tarzan!) and honestly, who knows what else. I've failed to start a journal to REALLY keep dates/memories clear, but it's beyond apparent at this point that I MUST DO SO. He'll occasionally get into cigarettes. I've not 'caught' this behavior in 2 years now (right after we moved back to our current state, and I believe I know the trigger - yet another emotional mess for another time). Sneaking food. This is a HUGE issue. I understand and know that teens are hungry - difficult child has always ate very well, and has his bio father's metabolism, so for now, that's ok. As I'm hoping you might understand, we're still on a budget! I buy things with meal preparations in mind. Even left overs have a 'need'. lol I have also, on occasion tried letting difficult child pick out his own 'special treat' to last the week - It's NEVER made a difference. He'll eat his treat, then get into anything else that might be available. Be it a can of cold chilli, chips, crackers, pickles, pepperchinis, lunch meat, cheese, bacon bits!, can of pickled beets, ice cream, soda, a whole loaf of bread!, a whole jar of peanut butter - You name it, it's NOT safe. Because of this, we no longer have a hall closet. It's a locked pantry. There's a LOT of food in my house. I make SURE my guys eat well. What my wonderful SO doesn't eat and what I don't eat, our difficult child happily scarfs down 99.9% of the time. However, there's NO WAY he goes hungry. Just simply.not.possible. I was raised with one of 'those' kinds of Moms, if you know what I mean. If you come over, you're getting fed. lol Needless to say, this has caused a LOT of stress, as the difficult child doesn't just steal this food, he SNEAKS it. He PRIDES himself on sneaking. We've had a very open & in depth conversation, where he's told me, that he "likes to sneak and spy" He likes to "see what he can get away with and not get caught with". I've racked my brain, and I can think of no "healthy" sports or clubs that would be safe enough (he does NOT make good common sense decisions!) for him to join. Searching porn. Yes. I typed it, and I'm ashamed. I have found search history on my computer that I sure as hell didn't search for. It's not an isolated incident either, unfortunately. He has searched on my smart phone (he even broke my password to log into it when it was locked!) and he has searched at my mother's house as well. There has been question about his appropriateness sexually. To my knowledge for *sure* he has not been, and if more details would be liked, please let me know. He has been tested to see if he's been abused, and the report came back saying they did not believe he had. Lying. Constantly. About. EVERYTHING. Even things that REALLY don't need to be lied about, are. You can catch him red handed, or cheese lipped, with crumbs dripping from his mouth, EVEN AFTER POINTING OUT THE CRUMBS - and he will lie to your face, in the eyes, and tell you he was eating NOTHING. This does not just apply to food, it just seems to be one of the most common lies. There's always of course "I have no home work." "Yes, I cleaned the kitchen." "My room is picked up." "I'll stay in the back yard only." and any more, it feels/seems like 97% of everything out of his mouth. Honestly? Truly? I'm having very serious doubts of if "I love you." is even true at this point. I know that's a horrid thing to say as a parent, but I am only human. I'm done making excuses for him. I do NOT believe that 'wiring' can be THAT off in someone that can function as well as he can in so many other areas WHEN HE WANTS TO. That's the key. Right there. It's all about when "he wants to". I constantly get praise and wonderful remarks on "how well behaved, well mannered, polite, thoughtful, kind, considerate, generous, your son is" - and more. I don't know where THAT child goes. It feels like I'm living with Jekyll and Hyde. That brings me around to, yes, he has had a full psychiatric evaluation, when he was around the age of 7. He was diagnosed with Severe ADHD and Rapid Cycling Bipolar. He also has a visual impairment of sorts, that makes it more difficult for him to 'comprehend' - however my insurance would not cover any treatments. He's been RXd glasses on 4 different occasions, and has always lost or broken them - or forgets them, of course. He does seems to read well, and in fact is one of his passions. We do not have a TV and haven't for almost 4 years. difficult child has discovered the wonderful gift of reading and I love that. We encourage it constantly, and find it VERY difficult to take away books for a punishment. Punishments - I have tried everything. Time out, star charts, writing sentences, letters, point systems with short & long term prizes/goals, taking away toys, grounding, extra chores, spanking, bribery, threatening, pleading, begging, bargaining, strips of paper with random goods & bads as needed, 'carrots' of prizes, push ups! I'm exhausted from trying to think of new ways - something that will make him care, learn, remember, CARE. He doesn't CARE. I'm big into communication and honesty (as you might can tell) and have always had the same view with difficult child. We discuss medications (by the way, that has been tried several times, and we're currently clean system-ed again) behaviors, reasons for doing what we do, different view points etc. 76% of the time, I feel like difficult child HEARS me. He understands, he knows there's problems, things need to change that he's hurting others etc. We work on a plan of how to handle situations differently - always - ALWAYS to no avail. Sometimes I get 5 minutes of "ahhh, that was a good talk" - other times I've been blessed enough to have MAYBE 5 days - then it's all back where it was. I'm not seeing any triggers. It's like he goes to bed with a smile and a positive tude, then wakes up and it's the complete opposite. He's angry, ****** off, parents and school suck, he doesn't want to be a "sheeple", I just want to control him, I'm too protective, I don't want him to have a life, he wants to run away" etc.

    There's so much more I need to write, as I know I've left some holes in my story - But, I must go for now, as tomorrow, we have an appointment with a JDD counselor. My difficult child decided to steal $450 from my mom over the summer - Mom's pressing charges, and I think I'm grateful. Perhaps he can FINALLY get some help. All I know is, I'm drowning here and I really don't think there's too much left of me.

    Thank you for reading so far if you have!! I would like to write more later, if that's ok.
    Best wishes to you and yours, from me and mine. ♥
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Wow! Thanks for sharing that. I do have one question. You mention bio dad having some issues. Can you explain what you meant? Does he have mental health diagnosis(es) that you know of or suspect?

    It sounds like difficult child could be "using" the medications to control. What I mean by that is, even if they are working, all he has to do is SAY they aren't or that they are causing whatever side effect and he is taken off. If I am wrong, I apologize profusely. All I can say is if he's got ADHD that bad and he isn't on any medication, there are no limits to the types of ideas that will pop into his head and he will impulsively follow them. I worry about what else could be coming your way.

    I REALLY think you need to have him evaluated by a respectable, knowledgeable neuropsychologist. It really does sound like more than just ADHD. It needs to be figured out and dealt with sooner rather than later.

    Is he in school? You don't mention school at all whether good or bad so I was curious.

    Welcome to our little corner of the world. By all means post more when you have time again. We would love to know more so we can help better. {{{{HUGS}}}}
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hi and Welcome! You found the right group - we have been there done that and truly understand. I probably have more to say than I can type now, but I want to say one thing specifically.

    Your son is diagnosis'd with bipolar but does not seem to be on medications. If he truly has bipolar, he NEEDS to be on the RIGHT types of medications. This means 1 and possibly even 2 mood stabilizers and if needed an atypical antipsychotic. Many if not most problems due to mood cycling will be greatly helped with this. I know the frustration with long wean on/off periods, medications used as excuses, etc...

    Knowing that, and having lived it and seen it, I still say and believe this: Until your son is on the right combo and dose of medications he will never really be able to get a handle on his moods and his illness and to have a truly happy, functional life.

    Here is the big catch: Your son hasn't had a full evaluation since he was 7. He NEEDS a full evaluation, pref by a group of professionals including a psychiatrist, neuropsychologist, and Occupational Therapist (OT) (most of our kids have sensory issues and these can magnify other problems and can be treated with-o medications and the treatment can be pretty amazing) and possibly others depending on what all he has going on.

    He might not be bipolar - it is possible for early testing,esp when his was done, to diagnosis the wrong thing. If he isn't bipolar, then the medications won't work. He may need other medications, or no medications, but the ONLY way to really know is to get a full evaluation and really see what is going on with him.

    Welcome! I will write more another time, but my hands are tired tonight!