Opinions, please.

[Shari]

I came home from work tonight to find husband fishing at our pond with his nephew and nephew’s friend.
***
This is the nephew that got drunk at a wedding reception, hit a car, and gave the car owner easy child 1’s name instead of his own. He was later caught and cornered and fessed up, but that could have turned out BAD (easy child 1 relies on his CDL for his job), and nephew has not so much as apologized to easy child 1 or us (whom easy child called before calling nephew’s mom, trying to get help getting him away from the reception).
***
This is the same nephew who’s really only had it together for the past 3 or 4 months or so – prior to that he was a dropout, a pot head, he broke into our house when he skipped high school to smoke pot, etc. For the past few months, he’s had a steady job and appears to be clean…but…
***
I guess I have a problem with nephew hanging around after this. easy child 1 still lives here, and while he’s an annoying teenager that borrows our cr@p and usually doesn’t put it away and does a shabby job picking up after himself in the shed outside, well, he’s pretty darn normal for a young adult. He’s got a good job, pays his own bills, contributes to the groceries, helps mow the yard, etc. He plans to move out on his own in a year or so, but we just haven’t been in a hurry to boot him out – its just working.
***
Anyway, back to this deal…nephew is the grandson of the mother in law from he!!. You all already know how “used” I feel from that woman…well, I come home tonight and here’s husband and nephew, happily fishing, and my first thought is “WTF? HE can use and abuse, too?!!??!?”
***
I talked to husband. His initial reaction was that the rift between easy child 1 and nephew does not involve him. He’s got a point. But this is still where easy child lives, and I already feel used by the rest of his family, and I’m tired of it.
***
So I’m posing the question to you guys…what nephew did to easy child isn’t really my business, but am I out of line in saying that until nephew at least apologizes to easy child AND me (I was at a party, kid free, when I got a phone call to try to help easy child deal with this…), I don’t want him around.

 

[DammitJanet]

Cant say as I blame you in the least!

 

[gcvmom]

I think you deserve to be heard by him. But you may have to be the one to initiate the conversation. Perhaps husband can help facilitate that? How the nephew responds to you getting this issue out in the open should be interesting. He may not apologize or accept any responsibility. But he certainly deserves to hear what you think about it and what you want from him in order to make amends.

 

[Hound dog]

Excuse me? The rift doesn't involve him?? And what planet is he living on? This kid blamed HIS son, could've gotten HIS son in a world of trouble had he not fessed up. But it doesn't involve HIM??

Oh, yeah. I'd have a problem.

But then there are some lines husband knows NOT to dare cross with me.

 

[ML]

I definitely believe he needs to hear what you have to say. I am surprised husband isn't more upset on behalf of easy child but that is his business. It's your home and you definitely need to say what you have to say. This is a toughie.

 

[Marguerite]

husband is wrong. It DOES involve him because it was HIS son falsely accused. To befriend the person who did this, without asking for accountability, is to be seen to be choosing this friendship over his own son.

I think husband needs to get his priorities right.

That said, if husband wants to go fishing with this cousin and be nice to him, he can. BUT he should use his position of 'friend' to clear the air FIRST.

I also would be nervous of this cousin hanging around. It's good he seems to be keeping his nose clean, but he would have to earn my trust.

Who said it? "Forgive the man that steals from you, but lock up your camels."

Marg

 

[Lothlorien]

Instead of bringing this up to husband, why not bring it up to nephew. He probably thinks all is okay, if he's as clueless as a lot of teens are. Ask him over to lunch and just have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. He may just apologize then.

 

[Shari]

Oh, I do intend to talk to nephew - when he's willing to get close to me... he has very deliberately kept his distance. I have never yelled at the boy, but I have told him what I think more than once. Sadly, I think husband and I have offered the boy more "discpline" than anyone else has. We changed the lock on the house when he got caught ditching school and smoking pot. More than his mama did, who was too inconvenienced to have to drive him to ball practice, so kept giving him car keys and gas money...

But it does me no good to talk to nephew if husband won't stick up for us. I guess, therein, lies the problem. And I really don't think husband does it on purpose. He just doesn't think about it.

Thanksgiving is coming.

Thanks, all.

 

[trinityroyal]

But it does me no good to talk to nephew if husband won't stick up for us. I guess, therein, lies the problem. And I really don't think husband does it on purpose. He just doesn't think about it.

Therein lies the problem indeed.
This is husband's FAMILY you're talking about. His wife and children. If it doesn't occur to him to stick up for you then that's a serious issue.

I do think that nephew needs a talking to (if he has the guts to get close enough to you to hear it), but I think husband needs one as well.

A husband who doesn't stand up for you when others are mistreating you is only a few steps removed from a husband who does the bullying himself.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. It's just that I've been down that road before and a man who won't stand up for his family just rots my socks!

 

[DDD]

Men are different. Maybe your husband feels that the kid has made alot of progress and needs to be treated as he is today instead of rehashing how he was in the past. Maybe without a long discussion they have exchanged a guy-type communication that he accepted as an apology.
Maybe husband thinks that DS is the one who has, or should, decide what if any apology is necessary.

So...once again...I don't exactly agree with most of the family posting.

What is done is over. Tomorrow some Godawful event could happen and the past choices of this boy wouldn't matter a whit to you or anyone else.
I'd suggest detachment.

by the way, I still remember vividly who hurt my children over the past fifty years....but my adult children only remember the happiness of their youth.
I think that's healthier. DDD

 

[witzend]

Anyone with an ounce of integrity would know that they owe easy child 1 an apology. He doesn't seem to have any integrity. Elsewise he wouldn't have done it in the first place.

We would all want our father to stand up for us to a bully like that. Even something done out of our sight to harm us like that is still bullying. I don't think that would make the nephew apologize to easy child 1.

While you are offended (and rightly so) by what husband's nephew (I wouldn't claim him, if I were you) did, it wasn't done to you, so I don't know that he owes you an apology.

All of that being said, you have a right to not come home to find your husband and his nephew being fishing buddies at your house. He's an offensive little lout who is not to be trusted.

I think your argument is with husband, and that the argument is about his respect for you. I don't think it would be unreasonable to have a little private tete-a-tete with "nephew" explaining to him that he is not welcome at your house, no matter what anyone else may lead him to believe.

 

[Star*]

I think I am confused......

easy child is your husband's son? And the bleepin liar is his nephew? But the rift doesn't involve HIM?

That being the case - there is no honor here. You stand up for your family and back your kids BEFORE you take care of your nephews "lures" - get it? Lured him into fishing....(GACK)

Sorry - your husband should be standing UP FOR HIS SON and tell nephew - the pond and house is off limits until he can come to terms with his lying.

Sheezzzzz LOUuuuuuuuuuuise.

 

[Shari]

husband is not easy child 1's dad; he is easy child 1's stepdad, but the only father figure easy child had/has in years. I'm not sure the biology of the situation changes things, tho. husband and easy child irritate the snot out of each other because they're both so danged ALIKE in the leaving cr@p out arena...

husband and I will revisit this tonight. Nephew's seen grandma and grandpa walk on us for a good long time, and I think that's all the reason more why husband needs to get involved and say he!! no nephew ain't hanging here til nephew can do as much as possible to make this right.

Someone asked about an apology to me...no, directly, I don't need one. But I don't get nights away from all of my kids very often, and this particular night, I had a few hours to myself and was enjoying a BBQ when easy child called asking for advice to handle this situation with nephew. Even tho I did not end up leaving to go deal with it first hand, nephew's behavior put a serious damper on my evening out - helping easy child navigate the situation and then worrying about it. (Cause dumb- nephew, even after all this, was trying to drive his own car home from the reception...didn't happen, thanks to easy child, but still...)

And DDD I appreciate your different point of view. I have detached from the inlaws. Or am working very hard at it. I've had very, very little contact with any of them all summer. Which is why I was so ticked off to come home and find this one here. If husband wants to buddy up with nephew, so be it. It puts him in a heck of a spot, and I realize that. But he can do it somewhere other than my house. I don't have family within a 5 mile radius to go hang out at while husband entertains nephew at my house...they do. Therefore I feel like they can do it on their "family space" - of which has already been well established that I am not a part of.

 

[TerryJ2]

How frustrating.
I can imagine how you feel.
Best of luck talking to husband. You've gotten some great feedback here.