Opinions, please

[Shari]

Please tell me I am being unreasonable.

husband and I have been together 6 years now. Christmas always goes like this...

We get up in the morning and find what Santa has left for the kids (originally it was easy child 1, difficult child 1, and wee difficult child - we never have easy child 2 on Christmas morning - we get her around 3-4pm on Christmas day). Now, it is just wee difficult child left at home. We don't open gifts as a family until everyone is there, including easy child 2. easy child 1 usually goes to fiance's folks house until we open gifts at home. Obviously, difficult child 2 doesn't make it back for Christmas now.

We pick up easy child 2, and we either open gifts at home, then rush to Two Broom's house to eat cold ham sandwiches and open gifts there and are expected to stay, or we go to Two Broom's house first, do our thing there, then open our own gifts when we get home. The problem with both scenarios is that when we get back home, wee difficult child is too tired to enjoy anything and we miss out on any fun as our own little family at home on Christmas day.

This year, Two Broom's can't stand long enough to cook a meal so she won't be fixing her traditional Christmas dinner. We are getting the kids a wii for Christmas and Two Brooms is buying some of the accessories to go with it, so we hoped to have Christmas at home, for once, have everyone here, so we didn't have to do the running around and the kids could open all their wii stuff at once and everyone could enjoy it with them.

husband's sister and Two Brooms don't want to do that. They want to have Christmas at the sister's, because her son (the nephew that's caused us problems) is leaving to go into the service and they want one last special holiday. Mr Two Broom's said the kids won't mind leaving the toys because they'll be getting more presents. I don't like to foster that attitude! And not for nothing, grandma doesn't give much anymore. Last year, everyone got money except the 2 youngest, and they got movies (at least that was the gift given in front of everyone...easy child 2 didn't even want to be there 'cause she'd already gotten her $200 present that grandma hid from us..."Christmas" at Two Brooms last year was just for show with easy child 2). Its not about the gifts, but the happy family atmosphere just isn't there, either. Not since sister and her hubby divorced. Since then, its been pretty cold around there. They don't play games or chit chat and enjoy each other's company like other families do. Two Brooms wants to watch her kids play on the floor like a Norman Rockwell scene. easy child 2 is "her youngest" left (wee difficult child isn't "hers"). easy child 2 is 12. She's past playing Barbies on the floor. We sit there and look at each other until someome deems it time to leave.

I used to enjoy Christmas and now I dread it. I don't enjoy the running around. My family has no Christmas tradition 'cause we squeeze in our family Christmas in whatever time is leftover.

Am I being selfish? Or rightfully upset (honest question - my attitude towards Two Brooms is so jaded, I cant honestly tell.) I know I am still angry about last year and Two Brooms and the whole family hiding easy child 2's "real" gift from us, and I am sorry but I can't see making the season special for the 22 year old who's joining the service. No one cared when it was difficult child 1's last holiday season at home. We did this usual routine. Its not all about wee difficult child, but I think christmas is about family and kids, and I feel like my little family and our kids (wee difficult child and easy child 2) are getting short changed.

Would it just be better to cancel our own Christmas on Christmas day so we can have it at a time that we enjoy, even if that means we have days early or late (we dont' always have easy child 2 right before or after Christmas day)? Any other suggestions? Am I just being selfish?

I gotta find a way to deal with this. Having to eat the last 3 meals with that woman has about made me crazy.

 

[Shari]

I might add that my anger is worsened by the fact that when we confronted Two Brooms about the hidden gift, and other things, last year, she outright said that wee difficult child's only problem is me, and that she will continue to do what she wants with regard to easy child 2 without regard to what I (which includes husband by proxy) want or don't want. I know this compounds my ugly feelings when I'm around her. If she wants to buy easy child 2 a sports car, then she will buy her a sports car, and to he!! with what husband or I have to say about it (yes, she said that - she'd said she'll just hide better from now on).

 

[flutterby]

I didn't have the same issues as you...and I wouldn't have put it up with it for nearly as long. You have waaaaayyyy more patience and are waaaaayyyy nicer than I.

That said, I wanted my kids to have Christmas at home - getting to enjoy their presents and not running all over the place. And *I* didn't want to be running all over the place.

So, now we go to my parent's on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day is spent at home. When the kids were younger, they played with their new gifts all day. Now that they're older, we just spend the day together and go to a movie.

I'd take Christmas back if I were you.

 

[trinityroyal]

Shari, I don't think you're being unreasonable or selfish at all. In fact, just the opposite. You're being so sensitive to other people's feelings, who don't deserve the courtesy I might add, and as a result, your wishes are being left behind.

I would do your own thing. If it conflicts with Two Brooms's plans, then too bad for her. They can do without you for the year. Honestly, rude and inconsiderate people get away with so much bad behaviour, because the rest of us don't want the scene or the grief or whatever. Not fair.

Trinity

 

[KTMom91]

Another vote for making your Christmas YOUR Christmas. You already know how Two Brooms feels, so heck with her. Do what you want to do, on the day that you want to do it.

 

[gcvmom]

Like Mary said, do what you want.

For years we had a standing policy that we stayed home on Christmas Day when the kids were little. I think last year was the first time we strayed from home and went to my uncle's who has a son difficult child 2's age. Usually we do Christmas Eve with husband's family, and then Christmas Day my family (of which I was the only one with little kids for years, and then I was the one with the MOST kids) comes over. Now that my youngest is 10, the dynamics of the day are starting to change and it's not such a big deal for us to go out visiting later in the afternoon.

But again, you've still got a little guy, so I vote for staying home. Period.

 

[SRL]

It's not the fault of the young person going into the service that your difficult child 1 was ignored last year. If it's his/her last year I'd try to be understanding in giving him/her a last Christmas at home.

If you feel like you must continue with the big family Christmas, I'd go with the home Christmas a day early or day late.

 

[susiestar]

Sweetie, It is high time for you and husband to decide what YOUR family traditions will be and then do them. You have to work some to include easy child 2, but she can come do Christmas with you before or after if they won't let her be at your home for the bulk of the day while YOU are there.

Decide what time you want to get up, do presents, eat breakfast, go to church if that is part of your religion, play with games, etc.... You are by far past the time when you have to "prove" yourself to these people.

Just talk to husband, decide what YOUR schedule will be and then let everyone else either adjust to you (not likely), come to your house (less likely and remember you CAN call the cops to make anyone rude leave. With some of these people you probably SHOULD!) Or they can do their thing and you can catch up with them later.

Know they will be all dramatic about it, smile like you have a secret, and then go and ignore them. Answer 1 or 2 calls from them on Christmas and then no more.

YOU only have a few more years of wee difficult child playing with his toys on the floor - time for YOU to play that card, in my opinion.

You really must start to assert yourself and ignore them on holidays. It really isn't worth all this drama on the holidays. Takes away from the good things. If need be, have the doctor give you a few xanax or lorazepam (ativan) to help you through this time. That will let you just smile at them. It will drive them NUTS - and be so much FUN.

If you need help with the smile, you can channel my grandma I. She wore hearing aids and with-o them could not hear much. If someone was saying something she didn't like or want to do or was trying to bully her, she would "scratch" her ears, 1 at a time. It wasn't a scratch, she turned her hearing aid down or off!! She would sit there with the sweetest, nicest, loving smile on her face. It literally drove people around the bend!!! You might pretend to go deaf when they start objecting to things.

HUgs. I am sorry it is so stressful.

 

[tiredmommy]

Stay home, make your memories.

 

[DammitJanet]

I would do only what you want to do. I do think I would try to see the nephew some because he is going away but you can do that the day before or the day after. He isnt leaving on Xmas day! After all, the memories he is trying to make are with his immediate family.

 

[Shari]

Thanks for the input. I really have to find a way in my own heart and head to deal with this, but so far, I've failed.

It would be easier if this wasn't the nephew that could do no wrong in Two Brooms' eyes, yet broke into our house to smoke his dope while skipping school, left his porn in our VCR, and who told the owner of the van he hit while he was drunk at a wedding that his name was easy child 1.

I want to forgive and forget, but its just eluding me in this situation...I'm just so dang...angry...with them.

To add to it, Two Brooms told husband last week that she ran into DEX and his girlfriend at the restaraunt we go to in town. Two Brooms told husband they wouldn't speak to her.

We went to that restaraunt last night to eat. The owner, a good friend, came right over to tell husband and I that DEX and scarecrow came in last week to eat, and that two brooms and the girlfriend sat together for a good long while, chit-chatting. She was concerned because she has picked up on how Two Brooms treats me.

Which doesn't make my holiday feelings any better...two brooms used to run straight to difficult child 1's bio mom's family with info about him...GoD forbid she does that with wee difficult child.

I'm gonna talk to husband. Thanks.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Good luck. Go with your heart on this.

 

[hearts and roses]

Well, here is another vote for making your own traditions and memories for your family unit.

It's not about someone going into the service, it's not about forgiving and forgetting, it's not about appeasing anyone and everyone else by compromising or not compromising your own wishes for a home grown family Christmas.

It's about your vision of how you would like to spend your holiday - whether you ignore it altogether or if you want to stay at home and share that special happy day with just your family. Go with your heart and make the holiday what you want it to be and let everyone else do their own thing.

IF you want to extend an open invitation for an "open house" of sorts, say, the weekend before Christmas so everyone can spend the dinner hour together, to say goodbye to the serviceman or to exchange gifts, then do it. Otherwise, don't.

We enjoy spending Christmas day at home, we open gifts, we have a nice big breakfast, go to a movie and then chill and nosh on leftovers. I usually host an open house for family and friends the weekend before Christmas, but sometimes I don't. It all depends on how I feel and where the day lands.

Hugs - your situation just sounds too difficult a time to me and it's time you and H took a stand together and made the right choice for your family.

 

[Star*]

Dear Sweet Shari.....

I thought Halloween was over....

Tell her she's HAD her holiday -
You want YOURS.....

The end.

Enjoy Christmas the way you want to.....

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh gosh...that nephew!

Ick. Like I said...he needs to remember his parents, not you while he is away. He isnt going to be yearning for aunt shari while sitting on his bunk...lol. You may get a passing thought.

I like Jo's idea of having an open house the week before if it suits you. Only if. I dont know if I would want that whole crazy bunch there though. Maybe meet at McDonalds? LOL.

 

[trinityroyal]

Shari,

Given the nuttiness of Scarecrow, I would be very concerned if Two Brooms is "chit chatting" with her. Does she have enough information about wee difficult child that she could say anything damaging to him? Or that simply having a back door conduit for information about him might feed Scarecrow's desire to make him a part of her family?

Honestly, these people sound beyond toxic. If you need to create a holiday tradition that doesn't make reference to them simply for your peace of mind I say go for it.

(And I still think you need to look into some sort of restraining order to keep the crazy scarecrow away from your little difficult child)

Trinity

 

[DaisyFace]

Shari--

You know in your heart what is best for you and your children....but you are letting guilt get in the way of making that choice. You don't need anyone's permission to give your family a warm, loving and happy holiday, so don't look for permission. You will also never be able to convince anyone else that they should treat your kids better--so don't bother asking.

You go, Mom! You give your kids the holiday they deserve. And unless you are really angry with them, the "holiday they deserve" is probably not happening at Two Brooms' house.

Schedule the holiday around YOUR needs for a change...

You will probably enjoy it more.

--Daisyface

 

[Shari]

Yeah, its that nephew. I told him after the van incident that I have nothing to say to him until he apologizes and owns up to his actions. So far, that hasn't happened. He is NOT comfortable with me in the same room as him. His presence doesn't bother me, but I sure bother him.

Newphew's mom (sister in law) informed me yesterday morning, too, that husband and I really hurt her by continuing a relationship with her ex. I apologized for our decisions hurting her, but we made them based on what we thought was best for the kids, not based on what would or wouldn't hurt her. Heck, I am still very close to ex'es family - why would I dis hers?

But anyway, she doesn't "get" it, either. Her ex'es daughter was raised with easy child 2 and lives near us - we weren't cutting that tie. And her son is the same age as my two big boys - pot, skipping school, and driving drunk was ok at her house - she knew about it and was fine with it - how the heck do I keep a great relationship with her while not condoning that behavior in the eyes of my teenage sons??? She doesn't get it. Still doesn't. She said it hurt her, and that's all that should have mattered. So now that wound is good and opened again, too. YEAH!!!! (getting better all the time, I tell ya!)

Trinity, you think along the same lines I do. I am concerned that scarecrow will utilize this new-found path of info. Fortunately, I keep my distance from Two Brooms, anyway, so she gets very little info about him from me - but that wouldn't stop her from passing on what she thinks she knows, the bulk of which is that I'm the only problem wee difficult child has.

When difficult child 1 decided not to invite his bio-mom and her family to his high school graduation, Two Brooms went straight to them to tell them when it was and where and that difficult child 1 wasn't inviting them, but she was. The last thing we need is those two in cahoots. I keep wee difficult child away from Two Brooms about as adamantly as I'll keep him from scarecrow, so there's not much "real" damage she can do...but she's not above stirring the pot and spouting off at the mouth, and lord knows that can do enough damage, real info, or not.

 

[tiredmommy]

Shari,

Have you ever thought of moving far away? Just thinkin'.

 

[Shari]

Yeah. Alaska.

I told my friend last night that if something does occur between Two Brooms and scarecrow, I may well pack up and leave and Two Brooms can have her precious little family back without the complication of me being around.

I don't have the emotional energy to waste on that combination of BS, if it happens. We'll see.