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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 32167" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, you have some situations that need you to react, I do understand you don't want to seem to be reacting as a response to recently expressed concerns though.</p><p></p><p>Ask for the IEP, but do it in writing and make it clear - "In response to strong request from difficult child's psychiatrist at the last appointment on [name the date, preceding this current stuff], I want an IEP meeting as soon as possible to discuss a number of issues. psychiatrist is to attend so a time and date needs to be chosen in liason with him."</p><p></p><p>The aide - she shouldn't be making critical remarks, even in passing, because it undermines your authority with your own child and makes everybody's task with him harder. It is unprofessional and definitely unhelpful. A BIG question I would ask her, publicly - </p><p>"You apparently are resenting being difficult child's aide and finding it tedious. I only want people who WANT to help, to be with my son, not those who resent it. Do you wish to be reassigned?"</p><p>As for her saying she feels he is overmedicated - she should definitely not have said this in his hearing. Too much seems to be said in the hearing of our kids as it is. But if she said it to you, privately - isn't this what you think, also, when it comes to his abilify? It is OK to agree with her in this, at least. You could say, "I also want to query his medications, especially the abilify, but I have to defer in the end to specialists who are trained in this." Make it clear that you're not handing out medications like Minties purely on your own whim, but you are following clear directions from health professionals.</p><p>It may be possible for you to clearly set out the rules and insist they be adhered to, but still work with the current staff (providing they do what you ask). You have rights and so does your son. You shouldn't be having to be a teacher as well as a parent, so leave schoolwork and homework entirely at school. Make THAT clear to the school as well.</p><p></p><p>As for the discipline issues - if difficult child is getting info wrong, and accidents are happening because you are reacting physically to his physical inappropriateness, then maybe you need to rethink how you handle him. He's getting too old to be spanked. And this is coming from someone who spanked her own kids. They get to a point where you have to find an alternative, because spanking no longer works effectively; spanking is teaching them that hitting someone else is an acceptable way of expressing your displeasure with someone (and then they start hitting you a lot more, as well as other kids who cross them); you get awkward questions from educators, doctors and other people who witness either the spanking or the signs of physical punishment; and, biggest reason of all for us - it creates an atmosphere which is loud, physical and ineffective.</p><p></p><p>He's getting older and bigger. To successfully spank him (especially when he tries to deflect, as he is doing now) it is becoming increasingly hazardous to people and property in the same room.</p><p>I remember my brothers wrestling with each other on the back veranda when we were growing up. When they were ten, there was a fair bit of room for them to push each other around, but when they were 18 or older they broke furniture and crashed into walls. You could feel the house shaking. And they were too big for my mother to grab them and throw them outside.</p><p></p><p>That's not to say that you are bad parents who are abusing your child physically and who deserve to be punished - accidents like this do happen. because you're still spanking him, it leaves you open to the risks of accusations of abuse, simply because as he gets bigger he gets harder to handle physically and he's getting more successful at avoiding the smack and causing damage to other things and people.</p><p></p><p>You need to fight this one (if it comes to that) the best you can. A medical exam of him probably would not find old bone breaks not seen by any doctor; old bruises of varying age and horrendous size; other signs of long-term persistent physical abuse. As a result, your claim that this was a one-off accident should be accepted. But the flag has fallen, the eyes will now be on you, so you should begin to change your discipline tactics to something more likely to work. And I know that's not easy to think about, at first. Fiddling with his medications isn't helping his mood, either, and that is one of those things you're stuck with for now.</p><p></p><p>Have you tried "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? You would need to get your husband on board with it too. There is a good summary of it on Early Childhood forum. One important thing in it - you teach respect by showing respect. By changing how you treat him and work with him, your change your status in his eyes and become a helper, not an obstacle (his point of view). You would have to be in complete accord with husband in what you do, but if you get him to read it as well and you both discuss it then it should help a lot.</p><p></p><p>I hope you can sort out the accusations without any further problems. I know how it is - I was being accused of being a pushy mother, as well as being abusive, because I wanted easy child 2/difficult child 2 accelerated into school at the age of 4. I achieved a miracle and got her into school (it took almost an Act of Parliament to do it) and then, two nights before she started school, she slipped while standing on the edge of the bathtub and hit the corner of the bathroom bench right between the eyes - she started school with two black eyes! And I was already being accused of abuse! Thankfully, nobody came knocking on our door to make nasty accusations, but I was worried for a while...</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 32167, member: 1991"] OK, you have some situations that need you to react, I do understand you don't want to seem to be reacting as a response to recently expressed concerns though. Ask for the IEP, but do it in writing and make it clear - "In response to strong request from difficult child's psychiatrist at the last appointment on [name the date, preceding this current stuff], I want an IEP meeting as soon as possible to discuss a number of issues. psychiatrist is to attend so a time and date needs to be chosen in liason with him." The aide - she shouldn't be making critical remarks, even in passing, because it undermines your authority with your own child and makes everybody's task with him harder. It is unprofessional and definitely unhelpful. A BIG question I would ask her, publicly - "You apparently are resenting being difficult child's aide and finding it tedious. I only want people who WANT to help, to be with my son, not those who resent it. Do you wish to be reassigned?" As for her saying she feels he is overmedicated - she should definitely not have said this in his hearing. Too much seems to be said in the hearing of our kids as it is. But if she said it to you, privately - isn't this what you think, also, when it comes to his abilify? It is OK to agree with her in this, at least. You could say, "I also want to query his medications, especially the abilify, but I have to defer in the end to specialists who are trained in this." Make it clear that you're not handing out medications like Minties purely on your own whim, but you are following clear directions from health professionals. It may be possible for you to clearly set out the rules and insist they be adhered to, but still work with the current staff (providing they do what you ask). You have rights and so does your son. You shouldn't be having to be a teacher as well as a parent, so leave schoolwork and homework entirely at school. Make THAT clear to the school as well. As for the discipline issues - if difficult child is getting info wrong, and accidents are happening because you are reacting physically to his physical inappropriateness, then maybe you need to rethink how you handle him. He's getting too old to be spanked. And this is coming from someone who spanked her own kids. They get to a point where you have to find an alternative, because spanking no longer works effectively; spanking is teaching them that hitting someone else is an acceptable way of expressing your displeasure with someone (and then they start hitting you a lot more, as well as other kids who cross them); you get awkward questions from educators, doctors and other people who witness either the spanking or the signs of physical punishment; and, biggest reason of all for us - it creates an atmosphere which is loud, physical and ineffective. He's getting older and bigger. To successfully spank him (especially when he tries to deflect, as he is doing now) it is becoming increasingly hazardous to people and property in the same room. I remember my brothers wrestling with each other on the back veranda when we were growing up. When they were ten, there was a fair bit of room for them to push each other around, but when they were 18 or older they broke furniture and crashed into walls. You could feel the house shaking. And they were too big for my mother to grab them and throw them outside. That's not to say that you are bad parents who are abusing your child physically and who deserve to be punished - accidents like this do happen. because you're still spanking him, it leaves you open to the risks of accusations of abuse, simply because as he gets bigger he gets harder to handle physically and he's getting more successful at avoiding the smack and causing damage to other things and people. You need to fight this one (if it comes to that) the best you can. A medical exam of him probably would not find old bone breaks not seen by any doctor; old bruises of varying age and horrendous size; other signs of long-term persistent physical abuse. As a result, your claim that this was a one-off accident should be accepted. But the flag has fallen, the eyes will now be on you, so you should begin to change your discipline tactics to something more likely to work. And I know that's not easy to think about, at first. Fiddling with his medications isn't helping his mood, either, and that is one of those things you're stuck with for now. Have you tried "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? You would need to get your husband on board with it too. There is a good summary of it on Early Childhood forum. One important thing in it - you teach respect by showing respect. By changing how you treat him and work with him, your change your status in his eyes and become a helper, not an obstacle (his point of view). You would have to be in complete accord with husband in what you do, but if you get him to read it as well and you both discuss it then it should help a lot. I hope you can sort out the accusations without any further problems. I know how it is - I was being accused of being a pushy mother, as well as being abusive, because I wanted easy child 2/difficult child 2 accelerated into school at the age of 4. I achieved a miracle and got her into school (it took almost an Act of Parliament to do it) and then, two nights before she started school, she slipped while standing on the edge of the bathtub and hit the corner of the bathroom bench right between the eyes - she started school with two black eyes! And I was already being accused of abuse! Thankfully, nobody came knocking on our door to make nasty accusations, but I was worried for a while... Marg [/QUOTE]
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