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<blockquote data-quote="Steely" data-source="post: 32303" data-attributes="member: 3301"><p>Hi Barbara,</p><p></p><p>I know as hard all of this is so hard, and especially when our kids are so violent and out of control that we become their verbal and physical punching bags. In fact yesterday, I blew up, and verbally went over the line with my difficult child, saying things I really regretted. That was when I knew I had to make changes in my life, and decided to give myself a 24 hour cool down period, with him out of the house, to regroup and find my inner peace.</p><p></p><p>All judgement withheld, it is never productive to retailate in anger to our difficult children. They only see it as "the war is on", and they get out their big guns and go for the kill. They do not say, "oh wow, that hurt, is that how Mom felt too when I threw the book?" Several people mentioned the Explosive Child - and I also whole heartily recomment the book - but until you read that, try to make sure that you are always above his anger. At this point you cannot afford to stoop down to his level and start throwing the darts, whether that is physical or verbal, but rather you need to try to always be the one in calm control, stating boundaries and/or consequences as stern but calmly as possible. It is almost like going into a robotic mode, where nothing he says effects you emotionally. At first he will get even more angry, trying to hook you into his dysfucntional universe, but pretty quickly, not only will he calm down, but he will probably start to follow more directives without melting down. </p><p></p><p>These kids need to not have the power to lure us into their anger, because that is what fuels them. They also need to feel our love, because that is what connects them back to the sane world. When we are angry and retaliating, we are going against both of these principals. </p><p></p><p>Good luck - I know how hard it is...but know there are other parents out there just like you, struggling, but making it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Steely, post: 32303, member: 3301"] Hi Barbara, I know as hard all of this is so hard, and especially when our kids are so violent and out of control that we become their verbal and physical punching bags. In fact yesterday, I blew up, and verbally went over the line with my difficult child, saying things I really regretted. That was when I knew I had to make changes in my life, and decided to give myself a 24 hour cool down period, with him out of the house, to regroup and find my inner peace. All judgement withheld, it is never productive to retailate in anger to our difficult children. They only see it as "the war is on", and they get out their big guns and go for the kill. They do not say, "oh wow, that hurt, is that how Mom felt too when I threw the book?" Several people mentioned the Explosive Child - and I also whole heartily recomment the book - but until you read that, try to make sure that you are always above his anger. At this point you cannot afford to stoop down to his level and start throwing the darts, whether that is physical or verbal, but rather you need to try to always be the one in calm control, stating boundaries and/or consequences as stern but calmly as possible. It is almost like going into a robotic mode, where nothing he says effects you emotionally. At first he will get even more angry, trying to hook you into his dysfucntional universe, but pretty quickly, not only will he calm down, but he will probably start to follow more directives without melting down. These kids need to not have the power to lure us into their anger, because that is what fuels them. They also need to feel our love, because that is what connects them back to the sane world. When we are angry and retaliating, we are going against both of these principals. Good luck - I know how hard it is...but know there are other parents out there just like you, struggling, but making it. [/QUOTE]
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