Exhaustedmum, welcome. What you do next -
1) read around this site, go into the archives, go through all the relevant forums and just skim the stuff that leaps out at you.
2) Do a sig for yourself, so every time you post you don't have to keep repeating your personal details.
3) Do a thread for yourself so replies can be directed to your issues and not get sidetracked in someone else's.
4) Read more - "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene helps in general with kids who have the combination of impulse control; a short fuse; inability to listen/understand in the middle of a crisis. For these kids, the usual discipline methods ("a good spanking is all he needs") not only won't work, but can actually lead to the development of something that greatly resembles ODD.
I also note the spelling in your name - are you Aussie, English or Canadian? Now read on because what I have to say is also relevant to you.
Now, back to firstangel -
have the feeling that there are some things that he just can't undestand, don't get me wrong I'm not saying that he's not smart, because he IS, but just to give you an example he would go beserk because his favourite cereals had finished and the shops were closed and we couldn't buy others. And no kind of explanation would convince him that there was no way we could go out and buy them, he would go on for 30 minutes insisted that he wanted them IMMEDIATELY.
EXACTLY!
Now I need you to think and try to get into his head. Forget about ODD for the moment, let's go back to your first hypothesis - Asperger's. Try to get into the head of someone with Asperger's. Especially a younger someone - it helps to consider such a person to be very similar to a genius two-year-old (or younger). Remember how self-centred toddlers can be? And how immediate they can be? Aspies don't lose this as readily, they can be very intelligent but just not 'get' some things which are really obvious, for many years longer.
Let's go back to your son wanting his favourite cereal. This actually tells me a lot more than you have said - it tells me that your son has developed his own strict routine, he has things in a certain order in his day and doesn't like change. Now, in his world, the cereal is always there when he wants it. If it's not, then you go to the shops and get more. You make it happen. So when this isn't possible, then from his point of view, the world is conspiring against him and he can't cope. The tantrum isn't designed to make it magically happen - it is simply venting his extreme frustration because he just doesn't want to know. You try to redirect him from the tantrum and it just won't work, because in his mind, you are part of the problem because you allowed the cereal to run out and you haven't magically found a shop that is open t hat has his favourite cereal in stock.
Let's try another scenario - eating dinner. You want your son to come to the table and eat dinner. But son is playing a game, or stacking blocks. He won't come. He is stubbornly refusing to come. Now if you really looked closely in his head, you might see that he is playing a certain game with himself - he must keep stacking blocks until he can get a tower of ten blocks that won't fall over. He can't stop until that happens and the more he tries, the more frustrated he is getting. He gets to th e point of throwing blocks across the room, which only makes him angrier because now he has to go pick them up. But you want him to completely stop - he says he'll just be a minute, but he can't get this to work out and he also can't simply take a break, he doesn't know how.
You try to pick him up and carry him to the table - tantrum. Big one. And at the table he is too agitated and angry to eat. You try to make him eat and he gets even more stubborn because all he ants is to be back with the blocks and finishing what he started - his promise to himself to build a tower of ten that won't fall over.
The problem that has happened here is multiple. First, the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) component. "I must build a tower of ten." Aspies do this like breathing.
Next there is task-changing. "Honey, it's OK to take a break and go back to it. I will help you if I'm allowed to help," is one way to lead him to a task-change. Another one is to ask HIM how long he thinks he needs before he is prepared to take a break. Then write the time down on a piece of paper. When that time is almost up, tell him gently. "You only have another couple of minutes before you promised to take a break. Are you nearly ready?"
Make it clear - it is what he agreed. At no time should you impose your will. Remember, in a battle of wills he will always win. Getting him to the table calm and willing, is your aim. If it takes longer - so be it. Having him calm is going to mean more food eaten, and often with Aspies they can forget to eat, they can often be underweight for many reasons, including this forgetting to eat as well as being faddy about what they are prepared to eat.
Now look at all this again - in my description of typical Aspie behaviour, can you see how it also resembles ODD?
Also, can you see that the more you try to force the issue with Aspies, the more you risk CREATING something that is indistinguishable from ODD?
That's why I say for now, "Don't worry about ODD. Leave it for now."
It all boils down to how the mind of an Aspie can work. You've noted some of the ways in which it can't work - take note and try to avoid such situations. And in the situation you described - make it clear that you are not the ogre, you didn't make the store close. What you might be able to do, especially as he gets older, is to sit and think - what is it we need? Can we think of other ways to get what we need? Write it down if you need to, if it can help. Often putting it in writing can really help someone with Asperger's.
Something for you to check out - can he multi-task? Some can, some can't. difficult child 1 was terrible at mentally multi-tasking. For example, if he were given multiple-step instructions, he would struggle past the first step. We were at a friend's (large) house for dinner and difficult child 1 asked to use the toilet. He needed to know where it was so the host said, "Turn left, go down the hallway and it's the third door on the right."
difficult child 1 headed for the door, turned left then stopped. "OK, I turned left - what comes next?"
We walked him there to the toilet. When he had to go again he remembered the entire pathway as a single string, but he still couldn't follow, or give, a multi-step instruction.
He's now 25 and is a lot better at this but still does best when he has had practice. Doesn't need much practice.
In contrast, difficult child 3 has always been able to multi-task. In other words, he CAN walk and chew gum at the same time!
A kid who can't multi-task is going to have a lot more frustration in his life because his problem-solving skills are much more impaired. Once he gets past this hurdle then his problem-solving could well be superior, but one coping strategy that is brilliant, is teaching him to write down the steps. If he can't write, then let him draw the steps in his own way. A TV show that difficult child 3 used to watch (it helped him greatly despite his superior and early reading ability) was a program for adults with illiteracy. Also another TV show for adult migrants, learning English. Both really good for him.
Back to the adults with illiteracy - the TV show taught techniques to make up your shopping list if you can't read. One trick was to go through the bin and copy labels off the stuff you just used. another was to draw little pictures. Need eggs? Draw one, or draw a hen. With difficult child 3's early reading, we taught him the meaning of the words he was reading, by linking the word with a picture of the word. We then would show him the word at the same time as reading the word together, acting it out (for words like "stop" or "go") and because he is a bright kid, he picked it up fast.
With others who can't accept the diagnosis - don't force it. Try to avoid talking about it around them because in their own way THEY are being oppositional! The more you try to get them to agree with you, the more they will say the opposite purely out of resistance.
What worked for me - I took mother in law along with me to the neuropsychologist appointment. She's come along to therapist appointments although like a lot of people of her generation, she is greatly distrustful of all psychology/psychiatry. In fact despite her being a former nurse (and therefore should know the difference) she will use psychiatry and psychology interchangeably, almost deliberately confusing the words and expressing loud scepticism. I've explained to her about how Cognitive Behaviour Therapy works and because it makes sense to her, she has said, "OK, THAT I understand. That is OK, I think it's sensible. But psychiatrists are all nut cases and it's quackery."
So I just nod and smile. Nod and smile.
Over time she has come to see at least a little of what we see. I recognise that much of her resistance comes from love and a fear that her darling grandson is not perfect after all.
If you can, try to understand why your son gets upset. Recognise that he gets upset when for him there seems to alternative. Try to step in and provide an alternative before it gets that bad. It does get easier with practice.
If you learn to follow "Explosive Child" methods, the payoff will coincidentally help you with the parents - because the people who don't use these techniques will suddenly REALLY cop the brunt of the ODD-like behaviours. YOU will find he does better with you, but he will suddenly REALLY resent anyone not using the same methods. So when your parents finally say to you in exasperation, "He has been horrible with us; I don't know how you do it," you explain to them exactly how you DO do it. It opens another door for you.
Over time they will come around. It could take years but always remember - this view is out of love for him and denial/fear that life for him is not as straightforward as it should be. There is sadness in that as well. But with acceptance comes unexpected joy as you see the milestones being reached as well as the unexpected surprises and delights, as well as frustrations, of raising an Aspie.
another books to read, purely to get some level of understanding of Asperger's (probably more severe than your son) is "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time" by Mark Haddon. It is a fictional work, a novel. Written from the point of view of a very bright teenage boy with Asperger's (although the author is not Aspie) and it can help you understand a bit better. Not everyone is like the boy in the story, but it can still explain things. It might help your parents too.
Perhaps the best answer for those in denial is - "I don't want there to be anything wrong with my son either, but I love him, I've tried all the things people have suggested and they don't work. I don't want to delay getting him help that could make things easier for him and for me so the more understanding we can get, the better off for all of us. I am a good mother - you taught me to be. But he needs something different. I just need a bit of help finding out exactly how to help him the best way I can."
Have faith in yourself. Your instincts are already leading you in productive directions.
Marg
He can't help it, he has to reproduce sounds, just love it.
