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Family of Origin
Other people who are shunned and how it makes me feel
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 677338" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Absolutely true, Leafie. But your situation, which is very tragic, is not the case for all. Read on, please. I believe it about you and your girls. But...</p><p></p><p>I know what happened in MY family that I witnessed and experienced. I KNOW how badly I was treated, yet I was expected to accept it and be nice about it too and never talk about our dysfunctional, which covered ALL of us. All situations are different.</p><p></p><p>All I'm saying here is that I don't know this particular young woman, who seems to have gotten her act together and is NOT talking drug talk. I don't know how she was treated by her parents that caused her to do this. It is a pretty extreme step to take. She is in her early 30's. I have never seen anything to indicate she was mistreated.</p><p></p><p>But my sibs didn't see the extent my mother abused me either. At least, they didn't see all of it. Wht they did see, they chalked up to, "It's her fault" (the child) or "Well, that' s just how good ole Mom is." Their perception of how I was treated by my family (most of them) is wrong and a lot of that is unwillingness to admit it and lack of knowledge because Mom was at her worst alone with me and told her own stories, I'm sure. If they did not recall her calling me stupid, lazy, selfish, etc. etc. etc. and worse then they were just numb to it and did not pay attention. This is common in dysfunctional families. She also abused my sister as a child, but my sister won't admit it. Instead, she blames me as her abuser, although I was a child. That, of course, is ridiculous. It is up to the parents to maintain order and discipline, not the kids.</p><p></p><p>I wasn't there to see why t his young woman did this. She is a Special Education teacher, never did drugs, drank a bit in college only, worked her entire life, did her chores, and talked back when she was a teen. Her sister is also very productive, but had better chemistry with the parents. She did not talk back. This is about all I know.</p><p></p><p>I never judge another's actions anymore when it comes to these matters. I don't have all the info. Heck, people in our families don't have all the info on what happened to US. So how can I judge this young woman without knowing about the reason for the shun? I think she did it wrong and in the meanest possible way. This I know first hand.</p><p></p><p>What I don't know is why it happened. Nobody gave up that information to me and it was none of my business to ask.</p><p></p><p>I don't admire this young woman for how she handled things, but I sure wish I had gone away from everyone in my family at her age. I had good reason and it would have been far better for me to have cut t he ties before they could hurt me the way they did. I could have just disconnected without the letter. Nobody would have missed me and, in time, I would not have missed them. I don't miss them now. Yes, I know. It's sad that I don't, but it is...what it is. Not one of them, except for my dear grandmother and my father who loves me as much as the others did one thing to enrich my life. But I was "other" oriented back then and didn't want to hurt them or make them feel bad and it was also beyond my scope of understanding to leave a family of origin.Plus I still was half thinking their cruelty was MY fault 100%. That I deserved to be treated like dirt under their shoes.</p><p></p><p>The shun/no contact is new. I wish therapists had told me to do this way back when. It would have taken me a few years to digest it, but I think I would have seen it was for the best, except for my grandmother and father.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 677338, member: 1550"] Absolutely true, Leafie. But your situation, which is very tragic, is not the case for all. Read on, please. I believe it about you and your girls. But... I know what happened in MY family that I witnessed and experienced. I KNOW how badly I was treated, yet I was expected to accept it and be nice about it too and never talk about our dysfunctional, which covered ALL of us. All situations are different. All I'm saying here is that I don't know this particular young woman, who seems to have gotten her act together and is NOT talking drug talk. I don't know how she was treated by her parents that caused her to do this. It is a pretty extreme step to take. She is in her early 30's. I have never seen anything to indicate she was mistreated. But my sibs didn't see the extent my mother abused me either. At least, they didn't see all of it. Wht they did see, they chalked up to, "It's her fault" (the child) or "Well, that' s just how good ole Mom is." Their perception of how I was treated by my family (most of them) is wrong and a lot of that is unwillingness to admit it and lack of knowledge because Mom was at her worst alone with me and told her own stories, I'm sure. If they did not recall her calling me stupid, lazy, selfish, etc. etc. etc. and worse then they were just numb to it and did not pay attention. This is common in dysfunctional families. She also abused my sister as a child, but my sister won't admit it. Instead, she blames me as her abuser, although I was a child. That, of course, is ridiculous. It is up to the parents to maintain order and discipline, not the kids. I wasn't there to see why t his young woman did this. She is a Special Education teacher, never did drugs, drank a bit in college only, worked her entire life, did her chores, and talked back when she was a teen. Her sister is also very productive, but had better chemistry with the parents. She did not talk back. This is about all I know. I never judge another's actions anymore when it comes to these matters. I don't have all the info. Heck, people in our families don't have all the info on what happened to US. So how can I judge this young woman without knowing about the reason for the shun? I think she did it wrong and in the meanest possible way. This I know first hand. What I don't know is why it happened. Nobody gave up that information to me and it was none of my business to ask. I don't admire this young woman for how she handled things, but I sure wish I had gone away from everyone in my family at her age. I had good reason and it would have been far better for me to have cut t he ties before they could hurt me the way they did. I could have just disconnected without the letter. Nobody would have missed me and, in time, I would not have missed them. I don't miss them now. Yes, I know. It's sad that I don't, but it is...what it is. Not one of them, except for my dear grandmother and my father who loves me as much as the others did one thing to enrich my life. But I was "other" oriented back then and didn't want to hurt them or make them feel bad and it was also beyond my scope of understanding to leave a family of origin.Plus I still was half thinking their cruelty was MY fault 100%. That I deserved to be treated like dirt under their shoes. The shun/no contact is new. I wish therapists had told me to do this way back when. It would have taken me a few years to digest it, but I think I would have seen it was for the best, except for my grandmother and father. [/QUOTE]
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