Our son passed away last Thanksgiving morning

[lovemysons]

Hi all…I am still grieving the profound loss of my son. I would like to say that I have learned a lot about myself this past year but maybe it’s still too soon.

I am in counseling and am trying to reconcile the past with the present. I have lashed out in anger a lot at my mom this past year for giving me such a rough childhood, marrying an alcoholic with bipolar disorder (which was carried down from me to my son) and also for saying no to me when I asked her if she would go with me to pick up my son in California last year before he died. I told her then that I thought he was close to death.

I hear that grief can cause a series of intense emotions. I find myself running a lot. I run to the Casino mostly which has started to be an issue between my husband and I.

The pain from losing my precious son will likely never go away but I have to find a way to carry on without causing so much hurt to those I love that are still here with me.

Losing my son means no more Suffering for him. I hope someday it will be that way for me too.

Below is the tribute for my son.
Always in our hearts.

Jarod Anthony Thomas McCusker Video

Watch the video for Jarod Anthony Thomas McCusker

www.tributeslides.com

 

[KTMom91]

LMS, what a beautiful tribute to your son. I cannot even begin to imagine your hurting heart. Sending many gentle hugs and prayers to you during this very difficult season.

 

[stillhopeful]

Lovemysons
Your tribute to your beautiful son brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for this unimaginable loss you continue to grieve. May you continue to serk and find peace. It is a long and painful journey. You were clearly a strong and loving mother to Jarod. He was blessed to be your son. Hugs.

 

[Deni D]

Lovemysons, that was a beautiful tribute to your son. From what I hear, no the pain will never go away, but hopefully it will soften for you. I believe it is true that when we talk about our loved ones who we have lost, about the way they were, the good times we had, what they have accomplished in their lives it kind of brings them back to life and keeps us close to them. I hope you get to do that with your family. I know, of course, of the hard times but besides that I can see a life well lived by him from his pictures.

Please take care of yourself, and work through those intense emotions in the most healthy ways you can find for yourself.

Pease and love to you.

 

[Helpless29]

My heart goes out to you , I’m sorry for all the hurt you must be feeling , I pray you find peace

 

[BusynMember]

That is so special. Prayers.

 

[healinginside]

Hi all…I am still grieving the profound loss of my son. I would like to say that I have learned a lot about myself this past year but maybe it’s still too soon.

I am in counseling and am trying to reconcile the past with the present. I have lashed out in anger a lot at my mom this past year for giving me such a rough childhood, marrying an alcoholic with bipolar disorder (which was carried down from me to my son) and also for saying no to me when I asked her if she would go with me to pick up my son in California last year before he died. I told her then that I thought he was close to death.

I hear that grief can cause a series of intense emotions. I find myself running a lot. I run to the Casino mostly which has started to be an issue between my husband and I.

The pain from losing my precious son will likely never go away but I have to find a way to carry on without causing so much hurt to those I love that are still here with me.

Losing my son means no more Suffering for him. I hope someday it will be that way for me too.

Below is the tribute for my son.
Always in our hearts.

Jarod Anthony Thomas McCusker Video

Watch the video for Jarod Anthony Thomas McCusker

www.tributeslides.com

What an amazing tribute to your son and your family You can tell what a good Mom that you are from these pictures. I will send my healing prayers up for your heart and let Jesus wrap his arms around you to help you get through this moment. When I feel weak, I envision Jesus standing next to me with one hand on my shoulder and I say, "Jesus is with me". It helps to give me strength. Most of all cut some slack for yourself and be kind to YOU. ❤ Whenever I have had a loved one passed away I always go over it in my head of what I could've done differently to save them. Even when my mom had cancer, I went over the guilt of what I could've done differently to save her. These things are out of our control and in God's hands. We do not have the power to save people from death because it is not with our human power to do that...you matter too and your children and husband love and need you very much. God bless

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

LMS, that is such a beautiful tribute to Jarod. I have no words. Just send you a big strong hug.

Love, Esther

 

[ksm]

Lovely photos and lyrics. Beautiful son.

Ksm

 

[Copabanana]

thank you lms, so beautiful. such love.

 

[newstart]

Hi all…I am still grieving the profound loss of my son. I would like to say that I have learned a lot about myself this past year but maybe it’s still too soon.

I am in counseling and am trying to reconcile the past with the present. I have lashed out in anger a lot at my mom this past year for giving me such a rough childhood, marrying an alcoholic with bipolar disorder (which was carried down from me to my son) and also for saying no to me when I asked her if she would go with me to pick up my son in California last year before he died. I told her then that I thought he was close to death.

I hear that grief can cause a series of intense emotions. I find myself running a lot. I run to the Casino mostly which has started to be an issue between my husband and I.

The pain from losing my precious son will likely never go away but I have to find a way to carry on without causing so much hurt to those I love that are still here with me.

Losing my son means no more Suffering for him. I hope someday it will be that way for me too.

Below is the tribute for my son.
Always in our hearts.

Jarod Anthony Thomas McCusker Video

Watch the video for Jarod Anthony Thomas McCusker

www.tributeslides.com

Hi all…I am still grieving the profound loss of my son. I would like to say that I have learned a lot about myself this past year but maybe it’s still too soon.

I am in counseling and am trying to reconcile the past with the present. I have lashed out in anger a lot at my mom this past year for giving me such a rough childhood, marrying an alcoholic with bipolar disorder (which was carried down from me to my son) and also for saying no to me when I asked her if she would go with me to pick up my son in California last year before he died. I told her then that I thought he was close to death.

I hear that grief can cause a series of intense emotions. I find myself running a lot. I run to the Casino mostly which has started to be an issue between my husband and I.

The pain from losing my precious son will likely never go away but I have to find a way to carry on without causing so much hurt to those I love that are still here with me.

Losing my son means no more Suffering for him. I hope someday it will be that way for me too.

Below is the tribute for my son.
Always in our hearts.

Jarod Anthony Thomas McCusker Video

Watch the video for Jarod Anthony Thomas McCusker

www.tributeslides.com

lovemysons, Such a beautiful tribute. Put together with so much thought, love and emotion. Sending you love, understanding and deep compassion. Your grief will soften as the years go on.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you all. I hope and pray my grief will soften over time.
I have made the Casino my life since Jarod died. My escape. And it is causing problems between me and everyone I love at this point. Like I said before I have lashed out a lot at my mom over this past year.
And now Thanksgiving with my cousins turned into a disaster too.

I don’t know what I’m going to do if counseling doesn’t help me. My mom and I have a counseling session together this week. We’ll see how it goes.

My life feels like a complete failure since my son's death.

 

[Copabanana]

I have made the Casino my life

i don't know what this means. gambling? drinking? socializing? all the above?
i went thru this after my dad died. i dealt cards and was a change girl. i drank at the bar. and more.
grief does this.
what are you seeking there in the casino?
to forget?
to degrade, devalue or punish yourself?
to punish others?
it's important to know.
you have value because of jarod and both deeper and beyond his life.
he needs you to save yourself and you need you to save yourself. we need you too.
you can see all of us have worth, despite our inability to save our children.
how can you get in touch with your own unconditional and intrinsic worth?
everything good jarod was, is, in you. love him in you. he is there.
would getting a job in the casino make the whole thing better or worse? (i had fun.)
could you work there?

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you for your response Copa. I never knew you had experience with the casino after your dad’s death. You have lived an interesting life.

The only time I’m truly happy is when I’m around my dear husband when he isn’t mad at me or the grandchildren or the casino.

People have suggested to me that I need to get a job at the Casino but I haven’t worked outside the home and husbands businesses since I was 25! I’m not even sure I could hold down a job. Ever since my psychotic breakdown 15 years ago I have had to take medicine that has made me very tired and unmotivated to do much of anything else besides keep the house clean and go to the casino.

My cousins forgave me and let me spend more time with them yesterday. They we’re staying at our local casino along with my mom and her boyfriend. But my mom didn’t want to spend time with me at the casino.

I don’t believe in myself anymore either. I try and lift dear husband and the grands up but I can’t seem to do the same for myself.
Sometimes all I look forward to is death because I know I’ll see Jarod again. But I’m not directly suicidal. I just don’t care if I die.
I smoke A LOT of cigarettes. I do not drink.

I miss Jarod so much it hurts. He had bipolar disorder just like me. He was an addict just like me. We even liked the same music and he loved to write just like I used to. He also loved hanging out with me at the casino during times that he lived with us.

Part of me died when Jarod died.

 

[Blighty]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear dear son a year ago. I hope your dear heart will hold onto the precious and beautiful times you shared together and you will know him when he was at his best and be released from the pain which came with his addiction.

 

[Nomad]

LMS...
I'm so sorry about this anniversary causing you such tremendous emotional pain. It may or may not help to know that this is normal. I have seen this type of thing in myself and others. Major holidays and the anniversary date is very difficult. It does get a tiny bit easier as time goes on. I'm glad you are seeking counseling and medications as needed. Even keeping the house clean is a very good thing. Our environment often plays a role in our mood. It sounds very simple and inconsequential, but if you aren't doing so already, consider taking a multi vitamin, extra D and a B50 complex. Perhaps fish oil too...or some folks just chose to eat salmon 3 x a month. These things can help a little with mood elevation.

And as you can, if you aren't doing so already, get in a tiny bit of walking....maybe in the middle of the day if it's too cold. Just a brief walk, after lunch, just as an example. You might consider it as a way to honor your son in a certain way. To move forward holding good memories as much as possible.

I lost someone close unexpectedly. My world turned upside down. Counseling and these other things I mentioned helped me to get to a better place. It's holiday time and for years that was very difficult. Then, I decided to make some of her favorite foods at the holiday. I think the first time or two, it was a little weird. But, then one day, that turned completely around. And I find it comforting to make this food. Almost everyone close to me knows why I make it and knows I absolutely will make it either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. It brings comfort now to me and even joy. It s a positive memory. At times, if appropriate and I simply feel like it, I tell others about her and why I make this food. I also know she is in a better place, as is your son. We can hold on to that for the most comfort of all.

Blessings..

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you Blighty and Nomad.
I am trying to have a better frame of mind. At some point I hope to get to that place of acceptance. God knows I have been all over the map emotionally this past year and as the Anniversary got closer I got worse.

I was supposed to have a counseling session with my mom this past week. Unfortunately it got cancelled by the counselor. Next one is December 22nd.

I did apply for a job at the Casino this past week and the interview was Thursday. I don’t think it’s going to work out though…not a good fit. The work is 32 hours a week mostly standing and working holidays because it is their busiest times.

Nomad…thanks for the vitamin suggestions. I do already take a high dose of vitamin D weekly but not B vitamins or fish oil. I should try that out. The most walking I do is between machines at the Casino.

Dear husband and I are about to drive to a nearby town to do some Christmas shopping. Buy some outfits for my littlest grand out of 7. She is almost 2 and looks a lot like Shirley Temple. Just as sweet as can be too. Maybe I should go visit her down in Texas this week.

I know Jarod is in a better place it’s just that his death was so tragic and sad. I relive that day a lot.

 

[JMom]

Love my sons,
I’m so heartbroken to hear of your loss. I hope you have found a bit of peace in these few months of the new year. Let us know how you are!

Love, JMOM

 

[lovemysons]

Hi JMOM,
Thanks for reaching out to me and caring.
I am doing much better than last year…the first year.
I am not nearly as sad and have accepted that Jarod is at peace now in heaven. Of course a big part of his heart will always be with me. He was my special child.

I have applied for a job working from home. The training starts May 8th and lasts for 2 weeks. It won’t bring in much money but that really isn’t the point. I just need to do something besides clean the house and go to the casino.

The office I have set up is in what used to be Jarod’s room when he would live with us at different times. I have a picture of him in there in his Army uniform. He was so handsome. I feel like this job is for both of us…for the opportunities Jarod never had.

I wish my son was never a drug addict. I know he still had Bipolar Disorder like me and life still would have been challenging.
But with addiction he didn’t stand a chance. In particular addiction to Meth. Which is what he had in his system when he was hit and killed on the highway.

Can’t go back and change anything now. The only place is forward.
I will be okay. One day at a time.

 

[FranP]

Hi all…I am still grieving the profound loss of my son. I would like to say that I have learned a lot about myself this past year but maybe it’s still too soon.

I am in counseling and am trying to reconcile the past with the present. I have lashed out in anger a lot at my mom this past year for giving me such a rough childhood, marrying an alcoholic with bipolar disorder (which was carried down from me to my son) and also for saying no to me when I asked her if she would go with me to pick up my son in California last year before he died. I told her then that I thought he was close to death.

I hear that grief can cause a series of intense emotions. I find myself running a lot. I run to the Casino mostly which has started to be an issue between my husband and I.

The pain from losing my precious son will likely never go away but I have to find a way to carry on without causing so much hurt to those I love that are still here with me.

Losing my son means no more Suffering for him. I hope someday it will be that way for me too.

Below is the tribute for my son.
Always in our hearts.

Jarod Anthony Thomas McCusker Video

Watch the video for Jarod Anthony Thomas McCusker

www.tributeslides.com

Hi LMS, it’s been a long time. Your tribute is lovely. Our children cause us pain. No doubt. I hope your therapy, medications, faith, support of those who love you help hold you up until you can stand strong. Pain doesn’t go away. When I thought I couldn’t go on, I realized I couldn’t let my family down.. They deserved a functional mom. My dear husband was hurting too. I didn’t want to not be part of our team to get thru the pain. I wanted to have a life too. Sabotaging yourself and punishing everyone will not bring him back. Forgive yourself. You did everything you could. At the end of the day we can not save our difficult child’s from themselves. It’s ok to be pissed off at him despite his disease and disability. No judgement from me. We stumble through life hoping we can avert disaster but we get up, dust ourselves off and move on. You won’t forget but I remember your beautiful daughter and kind husband who tried to help. I remember your hopeful beautiful self. I wish I could hug you. It wouldn’t fix anything but you wouldn’t feel alone for a few minutes.