Our son passed away last Thanksgiving morning

[lovemysons]

Thank you so much Fran for reaching out to me today. You still have so much to offer those around you after all these years. You were such a blessing to me back in the day as you were like my online mom. And suggested much better advice than even my actual mom.

I’m not really angry at Jarod. Just disappointed that he couldn’t hang on and stop using. He had a million chances until one day his chances ran out.

I did go through a whirlwind of emotions last year and a lot of people I love paid the price.

I know my dear husband certainly deserves better. And I know my daughter desperately wants me to succeed in life despite adversity. She’s a wonderful example herself.

It’s baby steps for me right now. Just getting a little part time job at home will be a big improvement. I spent much of my life on Jarod the last 20 years. So living with a new purpose is what I have to do.

I hope things turned out okay for your difficult child. I know how much blood sweat and tears you put into raising him as well.

Again…it’s great to see you Fran! Thank you so much for reaching out to me today.
I wish my story had had a happy ending where Jarod is concerned but I also know I am still here for a reason so my mission is not over.

Hugs and love

 

[FranP]

Thank you so much Fran for reaching out to me today. You still have so much to offer those around you after all these years. You were such a blessing to me back in the day as you were like my online mom. And suggested much better advice than even my actual mom.

I’m not really angry at Jarod. Just disappointed that he couldn’t hang on and stop using. He had a million chances until one day his chances ran out.

I did go through a whirlwind of emotions last year and a lot of people I love paid the price.

I know my dear husband certainly deserves better. And I know my daughter desperately wants me to succeed in life despite adversity. She’s a wonderful example herself.

It’s baby steps for me right now. Just getting a little part time job at home will be a big improvement. I spent much of my life on Jarod the last 20 years. So living with a new purpose is what I have to do.

I hope things turned out okay for your difficult child. I know how much blood sweat and tears you put into raising him as well.

Again…it’s great to see you Fran! Thank you so much for reaching out to me today.
I wish my story had had a happy ending where Jarod is concerned but I also know I am still here for a reason so my mission is not over.

Hugs and love

Thank you so much Fran for reaching out to me today. You still have so much to offer those around you after all these years. You were such a blessing to me back in the day as you were like my online mom. And suggested much better advice than even my actual mom.

I’m not really angry at Jarod. Just disappointed that he couldn’t hang on and stop using. He had a million chances until one day his chances ran out.

I did go through a whirlwind of emotions last year and a lot of people I love paid the price.

I know my dear husband certainly deserves better. And I know my daughter desperately wants me to succeed in life despite adversity. She’s a wonderful example herself.

It’s baby steps for me right now. Just getting a little part time job at home will be a big improvement. I spent much of my life on Jarod the last 20 years. So living with a new purpose is what I have to do.

I hope things turned out okay for your difficult child. I know how much blood sweat and tears you put into raising him as well.

Again…it’s great to see you Fran! Thank you so much for reaching out to me today.
I wish my story had had a happy ending where Jarod is concerned but I also know I am still here for a reason so my mission is not over.

Hugs and love

Just remember your life is about more than just Jarod. It’s an onion and you are so much more than a sad mom. You have a gift.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you Fran. Please do tell.
What is my “gift?”

I used to think I was very intuitive and could read peoples feelings but not anymore.
When I had the psychotic break due to going manic because of undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder many things changed.
For one I slept for around 5 years afterwards…my brain was trying to heal. I also take lots of medication now for it.

As you know from your research when you have Bipolar Disorder you are prone to extreme feelings and emotions. Now that I’m on so much medicine and have been since 2007 I no longer feel as intensely as I used to.
I can’t even write the way I used to.

I have no idea what my “gift” is now. Last year I lashed out at everyone over Jarod. This year feels like a year of change. Maybe it’s the prospect of working after all these years.

I have thought about doing some volunteer work with the homeless in our community. Maybe there I’ll discover something about myself.

I am a blank slate starting over after raising a family and losing a child.

 

[Smithmom]

Formerly OTE

T,
I came to lurk here a bit for the first time in a few years. So sorry I didn't see this a year ago. I'm sure the upcoming anniversary is hitting you hard. All I can offer is my strength to lift you up, my empathy and compassion to offer you comfort and as many hugs as you can handle.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you OTE! It’s been an awfully long time since I’ve seen you here. How are you? How are your 3?

 

[Smithmom]

LMS. This is the second time I've been here in years. And glad I came if I can offer any comfort.

I'm great. Enjoying my "retirement" collecting ss and pension. #3 lives with me by mutual choice and is my delight.
He's still "in training" to live with a roommate in current home when I'm gone. Has the perfect PT job for him and SSDI should give him enough to live on. Haven't got him fully set up for independent living so that keeps me busy. #2 lives nearby with a girlfriend and supports himself. Still maturing but on the right track. #3 has ODD as always but now its more tolerable because he has to live with his choices, bros and I not affected. I only look on from afar. Did 10 years in fed system for selling but had a better chance of living there than out. So was fine with me. Wanted to meet biomom so I found her and they have some relationship now. He moved to live near her. Says if he lived here he'd use again. Refuses 12 step or any other support. Makes a lot of money legally now and says he's clean. I struggle with his attitude that everything is roses now and his lousy childhood and damage to rest of us was all my fault. "If I had just left him alone" he could have handled all the drugs and behaviors, would have finished HS (despite not attending and being high every day) and life would now be better. His last drug of choice was heroin. Sure, OD'd many times but he would today be fine living on heroin if I had just let him be. Uh huh.

And introducing them to their biomoms... Another interesting facet of life. Can only introduce them and let go. And for me, try to find forgiveness for what was done to them in utero. That's a 3 yr work in progress. Or lack of progress. LOL.