Our week in Paris

[Malika]

We just had a week in (or rather near, being the suburbs...) of Paris, in a house exchange as it is the 2 week half-term holiday right now... A friend came over to stay from the UK for most of it, and other friends from the States who were visiting at the same time came over to see us at the same time. I had to go to the British consulate to get a 2 year visa (expletive deleted) for J since we were not honoured with UK nationality for him... What a mini-nightmare. Three trains, two underground and he just would not sit still, really acted up, and I got angry... which always makes him worse and more oppositional of course. In the consulate itself my friend looked after him, so to speak, though actually I think she was daunted by his behaviour and had no control over him - he would only listen to the male guard... I was off doing the interview and waiting for about an hour. During which time he careered about all over the place, making a lot of noise, trying to climb things, touch things, etc, and the uniformed stafff kept coming up asking for him to calm down... in the end they seemed desperate for him to go. Then another day we had a walk in the forest where he blissfully had big rocks to climb but behaved aggravatingly by deliberately doing things I asked him not to do and vice versa... then with my American friends he was just totally annoying, continually jumping up at them and trying to grab hold of them and their expensive camera, completely defying all attempts to get him to stop... meanwhile I discovered he had broken my own expensive camera by taking it out of my bag and then dropping it on the floor (not deliberately but still... broken camera is broken camera).
Social life just so difficult with him. Yet he's charming and playful and quite delightful with my friends in other moments.

 

[buddy]

That was a vacation???? Holy cow, did you ever get the Visa? So is the UK thing a done deal or do you have the option to reapply at any point? I'm sorry that didn't go through, it would have to be so much easier.

Did your friends actually say anything to you about J. What do you tell people when he is acting like that? I know that helpless feeling. Heck in court on adoption day Q ran all round the court room and when it was time for the picture with the judge he had to be held and in the picture his head and body are hanging down, such a prophetic picture.

 

[Malika]

Lol, yes, we are just beginning the vacation from the vacation
With the friend who was staying, she is an old and close friend and we did of course discuss the J situation a lot - I kept seeing how my getting angry with his behaviour made him much worse, she felt it was partly a relationship thing as much as his "diagnosis" though obviously the hyperactivity was largely in evidence. Other times, he was very sweet as I say but had to be channelled ALL the time - ie when not playing cards, etc (I also taught him the rudiments of chess as there was a set there and he really got into that) he was hyper hyper... The transitions must of course have played their part.
My American friends were charm itself, showing no negative reaction whatever at his behaviour. They know he is hyperactive, of course, and didn't seem fazed by it... it was me who was getting stressed and angry :-(
Of course as usual I fantasised about the "magic pill" even though I know there isn't one...
Oh and the visa? I have to wait up to a month or more to hear whether I have the privilege of taking my adopted son to my homeland or not... I am going to argue the nationality thing but it remains a long shot.

 

[TerryJ2]

Buddy took the words right out of my mouth!

I always hated going on vacation when my kids were little. It is NO vacation at all, at least not for moms. My husband would fall asleep on the beach and I felt like I had to be there 24/7 because I was terrified a wave or shark would sweep the kids away.

I am so glad you all survived, and was about to congratulate you on the 2-yr visa but realized, after reading the 2nd note, that it was just an application and that you won't have it in hand for a while.

 

[Malika]

Thanks, Terry. I get the impression that what suits J best is staying in the same place and doing the same thing but this is not life and this also teaches little?

 

[Ktllc]

Wow, busy vacation. You are ceryainly in an unusual position about visa/nationality. I supposed J will have the French nationality in a few years and the visa will then become a non issue. The waiting part was probably what you are trying to avoid, but *maybe* would be less painful than dealing with all the administrative drama. I don't know...
As far as J's difference, try to build an armor! Sweet Pea had the worst tantrum while shopping the other day, and it was real hard not to feel self conscious with everyone staring... I was trying to reassure myself that I was doing everything right and kept my chin up.
Our kids sure teach us to dig deep within ourselves.

 

[HaoZi]

Yours isn't the only one that responds better to outside male authority over Mom authority.

 

[TerryJ2]

You got that right, HaoZi!

 

[Marguerite]

We also have had problems with difficult child 3 on holidays. But we have persevered, because he needs to cope with being a bit off balance. With our recent holiday, difficult child 3 asked to stay home. He can speak a little German, but not French, and we were going to New Caledonia (French speaking). He knew he would have trouble with his anxiety. So we had our first kid-free holiday since we were married. A practice run for our own trip to Paris one day...

Marg

 

[Malika]

Yes... hope you make it there one day, Marguerite.
I have to say that, looking at the thing honestly, some of this is also about my OWN anxiety. I kind of anticipate the worst in these public situations, which makes me tense and sharp with J, which then (of course) makes him act up even more... I am sure if I were cool, calm and confident and regarded the whole exercise of going on public transport and waiting in public offices almost like a military campaign with lots of tools to distract and divert him, it would all be manageable. But I just hope for the best, really, and then get upset when the worst happens...
I'm honestly not good at the hyperactivity. It touches off all sorts of negative reactions in me, particularly in public. Of course I should have accepted it by now...

 

[Marguerite]

I have a good friend whose son was always in trouble. He was a lovely kid, very kind. But oh, so impulsive! And accident prone - at his 21st, where most people pin up photos of their kid through the years, his mother pinned up X-rays. "Here is the broken collar bone, there is the fractured skull, this is the pin in his leg...". I remember when difficult child 3 was born, best friend visited with her two teens. Her son was about 12 at the time. He got bored and went for a walk. My room looked over the balcony and he had seen something that intrigued him a couple of floors below.

Next thing, hospital security were escorting him back and strongly recommending his mother to take him home. He'd wanted to explore the roof of the wing below. To get to it, he had to go down to the surgical induction ward, go out onto a balcony (through the waiting room) and climb over the balcony onto the roof area. He couldn't see that he had done anything wrong...

He's currently working on replacing mother in law's bathroom. The end result will be good, I think, but the process is nailbiting.

Marg

 

[Malika]

Yes, J is for the moment "collecting" the photos on his face with various little scars and bumps... and he is regularly to be found in the most surprising places, like the roof of my neighbour's house.
It may sound silly but I have hopes for chess. J has learnt the rudiments of the game and mostly I talk him through moves - how to see when he is being threatened by one of my pieces, what he can do to get out of situations, how to create check and checkmate. I think it may actually help him with the impulsiveness. Last night he said himself (when in the bath) - "Chess helps me think before I do things".... Worth a shot. Also my level is fairly rubbish so it's nice to be in the winning position for once