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General Parenting
Out of control 15yo son breaking my heart and the law
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<blockquote data-quote="Sam3" data-source="post: 719901" data-attributes="member: 19290"><p>Hi Cor.</p><p></p><p>Sorry you are going through this. It is painful and stressful beyond belief even if it were just you and him living on Mars. Add other children, extended family, friends and neighbors, schools guilt, shame. It feels unbearable.</p><p></p><p>But you will survive whether he turns his life around tomorrow, in a month, in a year or in a decade.</p><p></p><p>It will take an active decision on your part though, about when you want to thrive again regardless of how he is doing.</p><p></p><p>I think that being as unhappy as our least happy child makes some sense when they are suffering what life has dealt to them, but doing it when they are suffering the consequences of their own choices doesn't.</p><p></p><p>There may be psychological reasons or just plain old shame that makes them project onto us. They put us in the path of the mirror they don't want to look at. It's easier to offload their bad behavior onto us and glare at our horrified and angry reactions, than to find and face their own consciences. If we loathe their behavior, then they don't have to self-loathe. And that's more bearable for some reason. Maybe because they know parents love unconditionally and want to find reasons to forgive.</p><p></p><p>If you can pull yourself out of the moments and go "meta" you can approach this from a place of empathy. He has control over being out of control. Why he doesn't want to regain healthy control is a question that professionals can help him with.</p><p></p><p>And you will be there for him to help him get that help when he is ready. In the meantime you love him. There are boundaries about how family treats one another and acts in the family home. You love him. And that is worth you staying firm and calm with him about. You can come here or to your SO or friends or your own professionals to help you manage your sadness, anger, fear etc</p><p></p><p>Im trying to keep the mindset that I am rooting for him and I have hope. But that first required that I disengage from the power struggle and attempts at moral teaching and catastrophizing. They know by now what is right and wrong and for whatever reason they are choosing wrong right now.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately it's a waiting game. It can be a very very long road but the silver lining in that is: he is young now and his brain will mature. He is not a middle aged man making these choices.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sam3, post: 719901, member: 19290"] Hi Cor. Sorry you are going through this. It is painful and stressful beyond belief even if it were just you and him living on Mars. Add other children, extended family, friends and neighbors, schools guilt, shame. It feels unbearable. But you will survive whether he turns his life around tomorrow, in a month, in a year or in a decade. It will take an active decision on your part though, about when you want to thrive again regardless of how he is doing. I think that being as unhappy as our least happy child makes some sense when they are suffering what life has dealt to them, but doing it when they are suffering the consequences of their own choices doesn't. There may be psychological reasons or just plain old shame that makes them project onto us. They put us in the path of the mirror they don't want to look at. It's easier to offload their bad behavior onto us and glare at our horrified and angry reactions, than to find and face their own consciences. If we loathe their behavior, then they don't have to self-loathe. And that's more bearable for some reason. Maybe because they know parents love unconditionally and want to find reasons to forgive. If you can pull yourself out of the moments and go "meta" you can approach this from a place of empathy. He has control over being out of control. Why he doesn't want to regain healthy control is a question that professionals can help him with. And you will be there for him to help him get that help when he is ready. In the meantime you love him. There are boundaries about how family treats one another and acts in the family home. You love him. And that is worth you staying firm and calm with him about. You can come here or to your SO or friends or your own professionals to help you manage your sadness, anger, fear etc Im trying to keep the mindset that I am rooting for him and I have hope. But that first required that I disengage from the power struggle and attempts at moral teaching and catastrophizing. They know by now what is right and wrong and for whatever reason they are choosing wrong right now. Unfortunately it's a waiting game. It can be a very very long road but the silver lining in that is: he is young now and his brain will mature. He is not a middle aged man making these choices. [/QUOTE]
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Out of control 15yo son breaking my heart and the law
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