Out of control 18 year old Daughter (Continued)

[Distressed]

Since my last post it has only gotten worse. Not so much for her, but more for me and my Husband. The day I last posted she finally woke up around 10pm and proceeded to get dressed and ready to go out. Her curfew is 10pm so this was unacceptable. Since we cleaned out her room of everything she was looking for any one of the hundred pairs of sneakers she owns. I told her whatever pair she was wearing when she took off the night before was what she needed to wear not knowing she ran away in slippers. I told her it was too late to get them for her and it was too late to go out anyway so she should reconsider leaving because I will be locking all the doors and she will not be allowed in for the night. She then gave me the finger while she walked out the door and held it up all the way to the curb. She did not come home ALL night. Even if she would have she wouldn't have gotten in because we changed the locks. I went to work today and when I came home for lunch she was sitting on my driveway waiting for me. I was never so happy and mad at the same time to see her. Just knowing she was okay was good. She said she wanted to get some of her stuff so I let her in. While she was here she unlocked a few windows in the house thinking I would be going back to work and she would be able to get back in. I did not return to work and 40 minutes later she came back saying she forgot something. She saw the windows locked again and unlocked them again. She left and hasn't been back since. She was supposed to have an appointment with her psychiatrist tonight but she never came home for it. (even thought I reminded her) I told her that I wanted her in the house by 9pm tonight so we can talk and she never came home. She knows I will lock the doors again at 10pm for the night. This sucks. This really sucks. I am afraid to leave my house to go to work because I feel like she will try to break in. I told her if she did I would have her arrested and she said "this is my house to you know" I told her it absolutely is NOT her house and that she does not pay for this house and that if she does break in and I call the police she will be arrested and reminded her as she reminds me ALL the time that she is 18 now. I'm sick of this stuff.

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs)))

This is hell to live through. And you have little backing you up, which totally isn't fair.

My mom once nailed the windows that were ground level shut to prevent my brothers from sneaking in at night when they were pulling similar stunts. I don't even know if this is possible anymore. But I do think you can get window alarms at hardware stores that are LOUD. Sure to alert neighbors that she is breaking in..........and you if she tries to sneak in after cerfew.

I dunno if they'd charge her with breaking and entering since it's her residence. (but I wouldn't tell her that, I'm all for bluffing as long as you can manage to get away with it) But I'd imagine if she damages anything trying to get in you could have her charged.

I would definitely consult a lawyer to be certain what your rights are with these laws. Knowledge is power, and if you're certain of the boundaries.....you might be able to come up with some creative ways to work within them.

None of mine dared to cross this line. Not only would I not let them in after curfew, they wouldn't be allowed back home at all. in my opinion, if you have somewhere else to sleep there is no need for you to be living in my house as an adult. And they knew I meant it. With this idiotic law........you can't do this until she's 21, if it's being interpreted correctly.

Obviously the idiots who passed such laws were childless. lol

 

[DammitJanet]

You have your daughter in a pickle here and this is the law that can do her in:

(c) When a youth under the age of 21, leaves home without parental consent and without "good cause," or refuses to obey the reasonable rules set by their parents, the young person may forfeit his/her claim to parental support. If the child leaves home because the conditions are unbearable, the parents may not be relieved of the obligation to support the young person. However, the young person may have to bring the parents to Family Court to obtain support in such cases.

IV.3 What recourse does a parent have with an incorrigible child?

A. Parents can file a Person In Need of Supervision (PINS) Petition against their "incorrigible" children who are under the age of 18. With an older youth, the parent may be able to obtain an Order of Protection from the Family Court if the child is 18 or older and the "incorrigibility" constitutes a Family Offense.
​

 

[Hound dog]

Ooooh! Janet, you're good!

 

[CrazyinVA]

Hope things were quiet throughout your night. I know this is SO difficult to do, but I think you are doing the right thing. Things do tend to get worse before they get better, and your daughter is likely to keep pushing to see how far you'll go. I know that's not much comfort right now, but "out of a crisis, can come change" ... sometimes that's the *only* way change can occur, in fact. Stay strong, don't back down, and circle your support wagons.

Hugs.

 

[DaisyFace]

You have your daughter in a pickle here and this is the law that can do her in:

(c) When a youth under the age of 21, leaves home without parental consent and without "good cause," or refuses to obey the reasonable rules set by their parents, the young person may forfeit his/her claim to parental support. If the child leaves home because the conditions are unbearable, the parents may not be relieved of the obligation to support the young person. However, the young person may have to bring the parents to Family Court to obtain support in such cases.

This is just it -

The law is set up to protect "kids" (yeah, over 18 is not a kid anymore, but...) from being thrown out on the street and taking up public resources at food pantries and homeless shelters and signing up for food stamps.

BUT - is your daughter really willing to drag the law into this matter? Is she willing to call the police on YOU ?

Seems like you've got a game of "chicken" brewing here...

Don't blink!!!

 

[JJJ]

I would suggest starting formal eviction proceedings against her. That may wake her up to the fact that it is not her home -- she is merely a tenant.

 

[Distressed]

So she came back only to find out that one of her very close 17 year old friend was killed over the weekend driving back from six flags. He was in my house the night before this happened. She is so depressed and now because she was out all night in the cold, she now has strep throat and missed the first day back to school from the spring break vacation. She is in 12th grade and is already in jeopardy of not graduating do to how many days she has already missed. I now have to take her to her friend's wake on Wednesday. Now we have to put everything on hold. It never ends.

 

[Hound dog]

Oh my! (((((hugs))))))

Losing a friend at such a young age is so awfully hard, and such a tragedy.

 

[Distressed]

I drove her and 3 of her friends to the wake of their friend tonight. So very sad. She seems to be feeling better so back to school finally for her tomorrow. We will see how things play out over the next few days. She still seems to be giving me an attitude like I am the enemy. I don't know how or when that happened but she just always seems so angry with me. Everything I say is a problem and starts an argument. I don't even respond anymore. It's ridiculous. I feel like I'm living with a 13 year old drama queen not an 18 year old young woman. What is her problem.

 

[buddy]

OH gosh it really doesn't end for you does it? Truly sorry about her friend.

You really summed up something I was feeling but always spend time figuring out each situation and what triggered things etc...with my son's disabilities I always try to "understand", but....when you said you feel like she treats you like the enemy, that is how I feel lately. I hadn't thought of it that way but that is how it feels quite often lately. I can really relate even though the situations are very different.

I hope she goes to school alright and does her work. If she misses too much school can she make it up in any way? Summer school? I know it would be heart breaking but I guess the goal is the to graduate in any way possible. I hope she just goes to school and gets it done.

(totally different issue, but the news showed a boy who was going to be denied graduation even though his grades were ok because he missed two days more than the allowed amount. tens of thousands of people signed a petition because the reason he missed was to care for his mother who has breast cancer, he took her to treatments and cared for her at home. It is only the two of them. The school admin reversed the decision..can you imagine having such a caring/responsible child??? I would never wish that situation on anyone but what an amazing story and I dont think it is so rare)....but anyway, made me think there must be some flexibility if there is effort on the child's part...hope she can make the effort and not miss out on that great day with her peers.

 

[svengandhi]

I live on LI and followed this story. It is so sad. The boy who died has the same name as my difficult child, who is also 17, so it really resonated with me. I still don't know whether or not the boy who was driving was on legal prescription drugs, i.e., prescribed for HIM, and he had a bad reaction or if he was using them illegally.

Sad to say, perhaps this will be a wake up call to your daughter. I hope it is.