Out of control mentally unstable 16 year old

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Tamlkt, Jul 2, 2015.

  1. Tamlkt

    Tamlkt New Member

    PLEASE HELP! Sounds harsh...We want her out. We started seeing my husband's daughter about 5 months ago after 6 years of not seeing her due to the mother (court agrees) and she moved in with us 3 months ago. Child services asked us to take her due to the mother being abusive, and neglectful. We thought that some therapy would do the trick. However, she has made our life a living hell. In addition, our insurance is about at it's max and we can't afford much needed inpatient care.

    A little about her...she will be 16 next week. She likes to burn things with fire in her room(books, toilet paper, pencils etc.), unwiring smoke detector, physically abused my husband and myself last week, lies, sneaks boys into the house to have sex, disappears after school without permission, smokes pot sometimes, angry most of the time, degrades her sister, sister afraid of her and of her hurting our family, cuts herself and carves words into herself, she stated she doesn't want to be here because we "smother her with love", went camping and she named the caterpillars and then proceeded to throw them in the fire and watch them burn.

    The day she was abusive we dialed 211 and then 911. She was transported to a inpatient facility. They've had her since last Friday and are wanting to send her home this Monday. She told them that she "will continue doing it" because she doesn't want to be here. This is endangering our children and our home. How can child services allow this child back into our home? Is the risk of three children worth one staying with the parents? My children as well as ourselves our afraid of what she will do. She is so angry, but at the wrong people. Will this anger make her more dangerous? She needs 24 hour care that we can't provide.

    The hospital inpatient care is not willing to send her to inpatient long term care. We don't want her coming home? She's a danger to herself and our family. However, she has managed to have an epiphany and wants to do the right thing. She's was in outpatient therapy for 12 weeks and therapy once a week for the past few weeks and she only got worse. Please help us with any advice. Our next step is to refuse to take her and let the child services take her. My concern is... I don't want anything happening to our other children. They were happy until she started showing all these issues.

    I Hope I posted this correctly, but this is one of our last resorts before we have to pay for a lawyer.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcom Tamlkt,

    I'm sorry things are so rough right now. It sounds like it really isn't safe to have her at your house. Has she been diagnosed with any disorders? Is she on any medications in the hospital? Are they helping at all? I would be sure to never let the other children be alone with her at any time. I hope you are able to figure out a way to keep her from coming back to your home. It just sounds so dangerous. I would definitely be calling the police every single time she is abusive.
  3. pwned

    pwned New Member

    I have not got any experience, but maybe you can try being strict. When I was 16, I was allowed outside the home for 4 hours only. I had a girlfriend, but I did not have the balls to sneak her in. And I used to be scared of my dad being angry with me. I was beaten at times for bunking my classes. But not really brutally (realizing when I am 21). Try to make her realize that her current home is the best place for her in the world.
  4. It sounds like she has been traumatized. Maybe she has developed an attachment disorder. Can you file for Child in Need of Assistance or try to get her into a Therapeutic Foster Care home? Children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) can be extremely dangerous and usually therapy doesn't help. I don't have personal experience with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but others may be along who do and give you more advice.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sounds to me like attachment disorder. Hard to live with and very hard to treat. Can be dangerous. medications do not help. I would want her out of the home in a residential treatment center especially if you have other kids and pets. Starting fires is one of three markers for a budding psychopath. The other two are pooping and peeling inappropriately and cruelty to animals.
    Sexually abusing younger kids is not uncommon. It happened to us.
  6. Tamlkt

    Tamlkt New Member

    Thank you for your insight, everyone. The hospitals have not diagnosed her at all. They know she has abandonment issues, she's been traumatized in the past. She always has a guard up protecting herself. Child services stated her rules at her mom's were beyond reasonable and stated ours were very reasonable. However, the 16 year old has stated she will never follow our rules. We treat her no different than the other children, but she doesn't want the love. I will look into the Reactive Attachment Disorder. Thank you again.
  7. Tamlkt

    Tamlkt New Member

    They placed her on ADHD medicine and Abilify.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Reactive Attachment Disorder is a trauma disorder that is mostly known to adoptive parents as so many older adoptees have it. When a child is not nurtured right, or has many caregivers, or is neglected in her first years 0-3 that does really bad things to the child and the very wiring in the brain and the developing child starts to think, even as an infant, "I can't rely on anybody but myself." They then develop behaviors that tend to be very destructive and do not develop empathy or the ability to love. Trust me, when we lived with our Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) adopted son he did not want love. It repelled him. He got worse the more we loved him. He did unthinkable things to our younger kids that we could never have guessed because he did not act as sick as he was.

    I would get her out of the house ASAP if you have younger kids. Believe her when she says she doesn't want your love. You can work on it with her while she lives elsewhere. At least she can't hurt your children (other children) if she is not there. Many of these kids who lived in chaos were sexually abused and it is not unusual for them to act out on their siblings. However, girls often have a different way of expressing their trauma and will often accuse the men in the family of sexually abusing them and that is something you don't want. Then you may very well lose your other kids. CPS takes all allegations of sexual abuse very seriously and acts before the investigation. Boys with attachment disorder who were sexually abused (and most were, boys and girls) tend to act out on the siblings. But girls can too. And, no, your younger k kids won't tell you. The threat from the predator will be too harsh. "I will kill you and your parents if you ever tell." That keeps younger kids from telling. Also "Nobody will beileve you."

    Regular psychiatrists, who do not deal with many adopted older children or tramatized children who suddenly change caregivers out of need, tend not to know much about attachment disorders. For example, our adopted child's psychiatrists all along the way all said he was a great kid who was slightly cognitively delayed, but had no real psychiatric issues other than anxiety so we felt safe adopting him. And to adults, he did act normal, but not to kids!!! And this included neighborhood kids. They were all afraid of him. He killed two of our dogs too and liked to start little fires and poop and pee in our closet (we thought it was a new dog we had rescued). The closer we tried to get to him, the worse he treated our younger kids.

    Your daughter's situation is similar to an adopted kid who had chaos in her life and probably horrible experiences, maybe some that she doesn't even remember. It is late for her to actually bond with you two unless she gets tons of attachment centered therapy and she is old e nough to refuse it.

    Do something. She is a walking time bomb!!!! Don't let her destroy your family. If we had not been such a strong family unit, this boy would have destroyed us, but we hung tight after he was gone. In our case, we wanted no more contact with him for our younger children's sake. The adoption was eventually severed, but until then we had to pay child support to the state while he was in lock up residential. We stopped taking in children after him and just counted our many blessings as enough. I have a real soft spot for kids in need, but I couldn't do it anymore after that.

    Good luck!
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2015
  9. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    From my own experiences with a Difficult Child and emergency hospital stays, they will only keep them for three days for an "extended observation", and then they send them home because that is all that most insurance plans will cover. We were pretty much on our own after that, and we're sent home with a suicidal and aggressive and told, "Good luck. You're going to need it."

    Have the doctors at the hospital been willing to talk to you,nor do you just get a nurse who will pass along your concerns to the doctor? Does she have a psychiatrist? If not, get one. If you are dealing with a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child you are going to need help and support. A psychiatrist might be able to suggest a residential facility. I completely understand the need to protect your other children. I feel the very same way about my younger son.
  10. Tamlkt

    Tamlkt New Member

    From where it stands right now... She is 15 turning 16 this week. I'm not sure if that makes the difference or not. She may have been sexually abused when she was around 4-5 and then again around 11-12. She says no, but multiple family members on the other side said yes.........but nobody did anything about it. It currently has been reported by us to DCF (child services). They stated she has an attachment issues and does things to protect herself. I also just found out that she is hitting one of the dogs on the head with a huge knot rope. My husband asked her at the time why she was doing it? She commented "he doesn't feel any pain".

    We have made a final decision of not allowing her back in. I was told that we could deny bringing her home from the hospital and then DCF would step in and find us in neglect. I pray that they keep my other children out of this as it would be detrimental to them. My son has Asperger's, ADHD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and mood disorder and he goes to a special school, but lives with us. My other daughter and son live a happy healthy life and they're miserable with her here. My daughter is afraid of her or what she will do, as much as we are.

    Enough is enough and we will deal with the state when need be. I have also decided that if they attempt to take my other children...I will call channel 3 news and discuss DCF's intentions of placing a dangerous child back in our house, endangering our other two. We have thought about this over and over. She has the tendencies of a Sociopath, Psychopath, Borderline personality disorder and attachment disorders. Is DCF that willing to let her near other children? They are risking the lives of all of us, including her.
  11. Tamlkt

    Tamlkt New Member

    I also needed to mention that my son is 16 and my daughter is 14.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No, it doesn't matter how old she is.

    I am thinking t hat CPS may help you if you present it th e right way.

    Either make sure she is not home or put your poor dog in another home temporarily. Our Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), as stated, killed two dogs.

    A lot of sexually abused kids do not remember it happening, but act out anyway.

    She would probably do best in a highly structured residential treatment center. You can not risk your other kids. Have you called a lawyer?
  13. Tamlkt

    Tamlkt New Member

    I sent an email out to one lawyer, explaining the situation. We didn't find out until Thursday or Friday about coming home Monday. We tried to call DCF and they haven't been much help. They were involved at one point and the same worker has been involved in her life for the past 8 years. Obviously there has been past issues and she's still running around.

    We feel that a residential treatment center would be best. However, our insurance is refusing to take her from a short term facility and pay for a long term. They run about $600 a day minimum. We don't have that.

    Our house was so happy. My husband and I have never fought. Maybe a disagreement once a year. Now we fight over her. We have gotten so much better, now that she hasn't been here for a little more than a week.

    They are only releasing her because she said she's willing to try. Now keep in mind, this is right after she said she will continue doing it.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    How about behavioral foster care?

    I wouldn't trust her to try and would not want to take a chance. She isn't just going to change overnight.
  15. Tamlkt

    Tamlkt New Member

    My husband left messages for DCF, but no return calls yet. We were going to ask for temporary foster placement. However, she's slated to come home tomorrow. If they don't call us, we will have no choice. I don't get home from work until 330-4 pm during the week and my husband works until 530-6 pm. She would have too much opportunity to do some damage. I can't afford to wait a week until they call us back.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Here's a few suggestions to protect your children and your poor dog.

    1/Get an alarm on her bedroom door so that if she leaves at night to hit the potty, you know she is not in bed. Somebody needs to get up to make sure it's a straight trip to the bathroom and back or she could go into the rooms of others unless you have them lock up (my recommendation). Lock the dog up in one of the rooms with the kids. Or yourself.

    2/Get a videocamera without telling her so you can monitor all interactions w hen you are not there, but I would not leave her alone or let her be with the other children without an adult watching her. That's when our boy got into trouble...when no adults were there.

    3/Lock up your money, credit cards, bank accounts, etc. Carry t he key with you.

    4/Carry your car keys with you. Yes, they can take your car without a license and even underage.

    5/Lock up all medicine that she may use to get high or to sell to others.

    6/Keep pursuing foster care. Until then, run your house like a lockdown residential. It's the only way to make sure everyone is safe. There is no alternative. Your kids are scared for a reason and you may not even know why. Our boy used to hold a knife to the little one's throats. They truly believed he'd kill us all so they kept mum.
  17. Tamlkt

    Tamlkt New Member

    I thought about asking my mom to come and stay. Not sure if she can. She takes care of my grandmother. My husband is set on having her not here. He feels and thinks that she will burn down our house (on purpose or not). When we asked her if she knew what could happen if the fire got out of control.. her response "no, well maybe the house could burn down", with no feeling behind it. I told her not only that, but her family could die. "Well, that too." I don't know whether or not we have access to someone staying here. All great advice and definitely sounds reasonable, as much as possible. My son's teacher sent me an email after I somewhat updated her on what's going on here. She told me that as hard as it might be, I need to keep her separated as much as possible from my son. That alone scare's me.

    She can be hanging out in the living room and then go to her room and "cut" and then be hell on wheels. Soon, our insurance will run out and I feel the only way she can get the help she needs is for someone to take her. I'm told by a child psychologist that I've done all I can and her care is out of my reach. Unfortunately, she is a relative of mine. I feel bad for her at the same time of wanting her out. I know a lot of it's not her fault, but some of it, is controllable.

    We only have until tomorrow to decide.
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with the psychologist, relative or not. She sounds dangerous.

    I know I've posted this story before, but it deserves another posting.

    A friend of mine took in foster children. She took in an 8 year old who liked fire. He burned t he house down. As they stood outside, while the fire department tried for naught to put out t he fire, the kid turned to her and said, "Hey, I'm hungry. Can we go to McDonalds?" She said she then went for his throat and had to be held back. She did not get into trouble, although she could have if she had actually touched him.

    Seriously sick. I ran into his social worker at a dog park years later and she told me, without us acknowledging for sure who he is, that he is still the same...clueless, reckless, no conscience, headed for big trouble, in residential treatment. In two years he was to turn eighteen. He's way over that now and probably in prison.

    These types of kids, without consciences, full of anger and trauma, should not be in a family. They act first and don't care if people get hurt. This boy had no reaction to the mother crying that she had lost everything precious. He just stood there, with no remorse. When it was brought up to him (the fire) when he was with his social worker and age 15, he laughed about it and said, "Yeah, that was something else, wasn't it?"

    It is very hard to admit for many people, mostly who never had a child like this, but not all children are able to be saved and love does not cure all. Just like there are adults who do the unthinkable, such as murder for thrills, there are children who are developing into that adult, and by the teen years they are hard to turn around and should not, in my opinion, be treated while living at home or live at home at all--ever-- at the expense of the other children. You have no idea what this girl has done to your kids to make them so afraid of her.

    I wouldn't take her back either and your mother is probably too old to grab her and hold her if necessary. She would need a young, strong, alert and healthy young person to keep an eye on her at all times. You really should not let her out of your sight because she MAY burn the house down.

    My friends were put up in a hotel while the house was being redone and t he boy was instantly removed. Like us, after our bad experience with an older adopted child, this family also stopped doing foster care. These k ids c ome with issues and your stepdaughter has lived a life much like a foster child.
  19. Tamlkt

    Tamlkt New Member

    This made me cry. I'm so sorry to any parent who is trying to do the right thing and the people who CAN help, do not.
  20. Tamlkt

    Tamlkt New Member

    NO family deserves a child in their home who is dangerous to the innocent ones. We only took her three months ago and yet she's managed to do so much harm. I feel sad for her and want her to get the help she desperately needs, before its too late. I'm willing to fight the fact that we will have been considered neglectful, but I must place the other children first. We are looking out for her, our children, ourselves, our home, and for the people in the world who she will be going out to in a couple of years. We will be refusing to take her home tomorrow.