Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Out of detox
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 713416" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>So much wisdom here. And love. Thank you Colleen.</p><p>This is exactly how my son experiences my "help." He resents it. He feels contained by it. Without using these words, I think he feels almost emasculated or infantilized by it. And he blames me--for holding him back.</p><p></p><p>Support makes him ambivalent about risking and seeing where his life takes him. He feels, I think, as if my support buys into his weaker self, and reinforces it. And this resentment is played out within our relationship. He becomes stuck and I become critical of his stuckness. Telling him what he should do and not do. The "help" seems to bring out the worst in each of us. When I tell him he is mistreating me, he mocks and taunts me for "playing the victim," his victim and he calls it for what it is, a manipulation on my part.</p><p></p><p>So, the message in the bottle is this: help does not help.</p><p>Which is exactly what happens when we begin this dance with them, feeling and acting like our "help" gives us a ticket to ride along on their life. And blaming them for how horrible it feels to us, to be along for the ride.</p><p>I truly love this. <em>Your treasure maps.</em></p><p>My son is leaving today. After about 15 months with us or near us, this treasure map has run its course. All of us see there is nothing at all for any of us, positive, that can come from his staying. He hates our town and WILL NOT look for anything positive here for himself. That has become manifestly clear, even to me, the champion of treasure maps. (Except for the fact that he was safe here. And taking his anti-viral.) Which is the true thing that M held onto.</p><p></p><p>Because M fears for ME. As long as I knew him to be safe, I could breathe. But not much more than this.) M is bereft, more than, am I. And furious. He cannot see or accept that my son is on strike. Either that or holding his breath. A 28 year old holding his breath in a fit, is not what I had in mind as a treasure map.</p><p></p><p>And he seems to blame us for the state of his life. Because he blames us for indulging or catering to his desire to be dependent on us. And he blames us for his ambivalence because he wants to be accountable to himself. He wants to live his own treasure map. And he cannot or will not accept responsibility for having come here to our house wanting our help and shelter and support. Rather, he blames us for making it too easy, by either pushing him or having conditions, he feels we are trying to undermine his power and autonomy.</p><p></p><p>He knew all along that our town, with us, was not his treasure map. No matter how much we talked up its glitter. We just all got lost. And ended up in the dump.</p><p></p><p>The unjustness of this hangs us up. <em>He came here to us. I told him NO</em>. He came because he wanted to be safe and secure and loved. And after a while he hated that he wanted that. And he blamed us. Because he wants more. Which is a good thing.</p><p></p><p>That is the horribleness of our situations here. There is a double edged sword. While to a point they want our help, they resent it and feel it holds them back. Or diverts them from their true destiny. We are damned if we do and if we don't. Should I have turned my son away? I don't think so.</p><p></p><p>I see and feel the pain of this as I type. The bloody pain of it, for us. Their true destiny? Homelessness? My son said with a chuckle, last night: <em>Well, at least H will let me sleep in the back of his truck. </em>He is positively gleeful to be leaving. Not fearful, happy.</p><p></p><p>And me? I am acting like a jilted lover. He just called now from the train station to say he did not have time to bring me the key to the apartment. And me? I felt spurned. Because I had believed he would come back to say goodbye.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 713416, member: 18958"] So much wisdom here. And love. Thank you Colleen. This is exactly how my son experiences my "help." He resents it. He feels contained by it. Without using these words, I think he feels almost emasculated or infantilized by it. And he blames me--for holding him back. Support makes him ambivalent about risking and seeing where his life takes him. He feels, I think, as if my support buys into his weaker self, and reinforces it. And this resentment is played out within our relationship. He becomes stuck and I become critical of his stuckness. Telling him what he should do and not do. The "help" seems to bring out the worst in each of us. When I tell him he is mistreating me, he mocks and taunts me for "playing the victim," his victim and he calls it for what it is, a manipulation on my part. So, the message in the bottle is this: help does not help. Which is exactly what happens when we begin this dance with them, feeling and acting like our "help" gives us a ticket to ride along on their life. And blaming them for how horrible it feels to us, to be along for the ride. I truly love this. [I]Your treasure maps.[/I] My son is leaving today. After about 15 months with us or near us, this treasure map has run its course. All of us see there is nothing at all for any of us, positive, that can come from his staying. He hates our town and WILL NOT look for anything positive here for himself. That has become manifestly clear, even to me, the champion of treasure maps. (Except for the fact that he was safe here. And taking his anti-viral.) Which is the true thing that M held onto. Because M fears for ME. As long as I knew him to be safe, I could breathe. But not much more than this.) M is bereft, more than, am I. And furious. He cannot see or accept that my son is on strike. Either that or holding his breath. A 28 year old holding his breath in a fit, is not what I had in mind as a treasure map. And he seems to blame us for the state of his life. Because he blames us for indulging or catering to his desire to be dependent on us. And he blames us for his ambivalence because he wants to be accountable to himself. He wants to live his own treasure map. And he cannot or will not accept responsibility for having come here to our house wanting our help and shelter and support. Rather, he blames us for making it too easy, by either pushing him or having conditions, he feels we are trying to undermine his power and autonomy. He knew all along that our town, with us, was not his treasure map. No matter how much we talked up its glitter. We just all got lost. And ended up in the dump. The unjustness of this hangs us up. [I]He came here to us. I told him NO[/I]. He came because he wanted to be safe and secure and loved. And after a while he hated that he wanted that. And he blamed us. Because he wants more. Which is a good thing. That is the horribleness of our situations here. There is a double edged sword. While to a point they want our help, they resent it and feel it holds them back. Or diverts them from their true destiny. We are damned if we do and if we don't. Should I have turned my son away? I don't think so. I see and feel the pain of this as I type. The bloody pain of it, for us. Their true destiny? Homelessness? My son said with a chuckle, last night: [I]Well, at least H will let me sleep in the back of his truck. [/I]He is positively gleeful to be leaving. Not fearful, happy. And me? I am acting like a jilted lover. He just called now from the train station to say he did not have time to bring me the key to the apartment. And me? I felt spurned. Because I had believed he would come back to say goodbye. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Out of detox
Top