Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Painful encounter with my sister. What a surprise! (*Sarcasm, here)
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 702784" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you Cedar.</p><p></p><p>It is hard to stay in touch with the brave and the hope of reaching out, when nearly my whole life I defined by the need to protect her, by subordination of my interest, in favor of her own. I exaggerated her danger to me, in order to give her power and reduce my own.</p><p></p><p>M for years has been trying to get me to see how reaching to be brave, to care for my mother, no matter what the consequences has been a defining act. It has been hard to see it, and harder to feel it, and act from it.</p><p></p><p>This bravery and defiance on my part--standing up, in relation to the two of them, my sister and mother, I am beginning to see as the essential crime for which I am doing penance. Along with the strongest thing I have ever done.</p><p></p><p>That is why it is so knee-jerk for me, to concentrate on my sister's cruel, reflexive opportunism (which indeed is nothing new) to hurt. Because on some level I do believe I deserve the punishment--for being who I am, what ever that is.</p><p></p><p>If there is a reason that I will reach out again, it is to try again to affirm what you say. And because I believe that to reveal kindness and hope--rather than fear, serves that truth to self. By saying over and over again--how mean my sister is--does not serve that truth to self (but it sure gives some relief.)</p><p></p><p>As I write this I wonder if we are not just two sides of the same coin. My sister and I.</p><p>This is true. For so long I have.</p><p>I hope this is so. I have questioned myself. When somebody is the same way, predictably and stereotypically, how can one expect something different?</p><p></p><p>So, I ask myself, did I reach out in order that she would swat me down, at minimum, and define me as the bad person she would want me to feel myself to be. Because this is a zero sum game, this hot potato she wants me to catch. She must throw the blame onto me, for her own conduct. And this is what I opened myself up to: to receive the blame. For everything. That was my role. Is it still? Did I knowingly volunteer, once again, to take it on? Or did I open up to hope?</p><p>So maybe there is room for both: punishment, and hope for something different, which indeed is always part of the compulsion to repeat...that this time it will turn out good. That they will love me because I am good. That I will not be alone. That it is not my fault.</p><p></p><p>But then there is the element of strength, and the ability to decide consciously, of course, for which I am not giving myself any credit. Thank you, Cedar.</p><p>Yes. I could do this. And if and when I do it, I can choose exactly why. I can decide to go high. To wish well a sister. Period. End of story. She can again decide. And what she decides will have not a thing in the world to do with me, unless I permit this, and consent her defining me. And that is exactly, I think, what you meant to tell me. I understand now.</p><p></p><p>This is an important thing I did. Good. I am glad. For the past couple of days I have been sad, and I have regressed. For a short time, I accepted her definition and I reacted to her intent. That was unnecessary. I now see it.</p><p></p><p>That was an old and very ugly conditioned response that I no longer have to indulge. Thank you again, Cedar.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 702784, member: 18958"] Thank you Cedar. It is hard to stay in touch with the brave and the hope of reaching out, when nearly my whole life I defined by the need to protect her, by subordination of my interest, in favor of her own. I exaggerated her danger to me, in order to give her power and reduce my own. M for years has been trying to get me to see how reaching to be brave, to care for my mother, no matter what the consequences has been a defining act. It has been hard to see it, and harder to feel it, and act from it. This bravery and defiance on my part--standing up, in relation to the two of them, my sister and mother, I am beginning to see as the essential crime for which I am doing penance. Along with the strongest thing I have ever done. That is why it is so knee-jerk for me, to concentrate on my sister's cruel, reflexive opportunism (which indeed is nothing new) to hurt. Because on some level I do believe I deserve the punishment--for being who I am, what ever that is. If there is a reason that I will reach out again, it is to try again to affirm what you say. And because I believe that to reveal kindness and hope--rather than fear, serves that truth to self. By saying over and over again--how mean my sister is--does not serve that truth to self (but it sure gives some relief.) As I write this I wonder if we are not just two sides of the same coin. My sister and I. This is true. For so long I have. I hope this is so. I have questioned myself. When somebody is the same way, predictably and stereotypically, how can one expect something different? So, I ask myself, did I reach out in order that she would swat me down, at minimum, and define me as the bad person she would want me to feel myself to be. Because this is a zero sum game, this hot potato she wants me to catch. She must throw the blame onto me, for her own conduct. And this is what I opened myself up to: to receive the blame. For everything. That was my role. Is it still? Did I knowingly volunteer, once again, to take it on? Or did I open up to hope? So maybe there is room for both: punishment, and hope for something different, which indeed is always part of the compulsion to repeat...that this time it will turn out good. That they will love me because I am good. That I will not be alone. That it is not my fault. But then there is the element of strength, and the ability to decide consciously, of course, for which I am not giving myself any credit. Thank you, Cedar. Yes. I could do this. And if and when I do it, I can choose exactly why. I can decide to go high. To wish well a sister. Period. End of story. She can again decide. And what she decides will have not a thing in the world to do with me, unless I permit this, and consent her defining me. And that is exactly, I think, what you meant to tell me. I understand now. This is an important thing I did. Good. I am glad. For the past couple of days I have been sad, and I have regressed. For a short time, I accepted her definition and I reacted to her intent. That was unnecessary. I now see it. That was an old and very ugly conditioned response that I no longer have to indulge. Thank you again, Cedar. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Painful encounter with my sister. What a surprise! (*Sarcasm, here)
Top