Painful Struggles

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Battuto.Giu, Jun 25, 2013.

  1. Battuto.Giu

    Battuto.Giu Guest

    I am currently involved in the second abusive relationship I have experienced in my life. The first was with my daughters father who I left when she was two. Here I am sixteen years later trying to figure out how to save myself again, this time from my daughter. She began the verbal abuse around 14-15 which has escalated to destruction of property and most recently an incident of physical abuse. I have tried every trick I could think of, read about, and hear about. I do plan to involve law enforcement the next time I am hit or property is damaged, she is after all 18 now. I have not found anything drug/alcohol related in her room. I have had her in counseling by herself and I have gone to counseling with her. The session I/we have attended have been completely unsuccessful due to her resistance and mockery of me for being how she describes "pathetic" for feeling the need for counseling. Her father has been diagnosed with a personality disorder and has/had (not sure if he still is or not) been on medication for this and his anger issues. I can only assume that there is some hereditary situation here. She has spent very little time with him in the grand scheme of things. However, her behavior is so similar to his its like I have had the same relationship twice only I can't divorce this one. I feel incredibly trapped and hopeless. I can not force her into seeking treatment now that she is an "adult" and the treatment I tried when I could was fruitless. Anyone have any suggestions?
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Battuto, welcome. I am very sorry you are having to deal with your daughter and her abuse. Abuse of any kind is not okay. You are the only one who can stop this runaway train and you most certainly need to stop it. You cannot change or fix or change or heal your daughter, only she can make that choice, so give up that notion completely.

    Here are my suggestions. First of all get yourself some help, get into therapy, not to fix you, but to heal you from the tragedy of an abusive ex husband and an abusive daughter, to offer you empathy, compassion and understanding while giving you tools to shift this issue around so that you have the power and you set the boundaries you are willing to live with. You do not, on any level, by any stretch, deserve this behavior from ANYONE. You've now been in it for too long and what happens is that over a long period of time we begin to think this is normal...............this is not normal, this is abuse. And, it has now become violent abuse. If she hit you once, it WILL happen again. Abuse is incremental, the abuser escalates, you are now in danger of this happening again, only worse.

    Go online and research how to evict someone in your state/county. Find out if you need to go to court and get legal papers drawn. If you do, start the process now. It takes 30 -90 days in some places. As soon as you have all paperwork ready, all the forms filled out and you know exactly what is going to happen and when, then find out what the procedure is to get a restraining order. Get all the paperwork filled out and ready to go. If your daughter lays a hand on you in the meantime, go directly to the police, file charges and get the restraining order.

    As soon as you have all the eviction papers and restraining order documents ready, let her know she has x amount of days to find a job, get a room, whatever, but at that point, she has to go. Here in CA. we have to get legal court papers to evict someone, even our own child, and the day of the eviction you can have a sheriff show up and escort them off the property. If you have the restraining order in place, then if she comes anywhere near your property, you can now call the police and have her removed. If you do all of this now, when the next abusive issue shows up you will be armed and ready to go. This will give you your power back. Take it.

    You cannot force her to do anything, all you can do is respond differently and make choices which protect you and keep you safe and offer you a different kind of life where you have peace and joy. You feel trapped and hopeless because she has used your love for her as a tool to manipulate you and scare you into being a victim of her choices...........YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM, you in fact, have all the power, it is your house, it is your money. Do not allow her to hold you hostage in your own home, you must set boundaries around this despicable behavior, because if you don't it will most assuredly get a whole lot worse. You have to stop it now.

    Get support, find a therapist, find out about how to evict her, get a restraining order. You might even try calling a domestic abuse hot line and get advice from them. Once you take action on your own behalf you will cease to feel trapped and hopeless, you will begin to feel alive, powerful, liberated and free. Once she is gone from your home, you can work on healing yourself and creating the life you want to have. You deserve that chance, but only you can take it, so go take your life back................and do it now..............I am sending you lots of hugs and warm wishes for you to find your joy and your peace of mind................and I'm glad you're here, keep posting, it helps.
  3. Battuto - I am so sorry that your daughter (like her dad) is abusing your. You are quite right to think that she may have inherited a personality disorder or mental illness. My understanding is that heredity is at least a 50% factor in developing mental illness or personality disorder. Environment accounts for the rest - but that doesn't just include the home environment it includes all of the child's life experiences.

    I sympathize with your frustration in getting your daughter help. We tried to get my son treatment while we could but could not get a proper diagnosis and he wouldn't stay on his medications. Counselling was a waste of time for him at that point because all he did was get angry, argue and dismiss anything he was told. Now my hands are tied and I can't do anything for him but wait until he chooses to do it for himself.

    In the meantime I agree with RE - get help and support for yourself. Become a stronger woman that has healed from the abuse. Become a woman with good and healthy boundaries - this will help your daughter too. And it will help bring some peace into your life.

  4. Battuto.Giu

    Battuto.Giu Guest

    Thank you for your kind reply and suggestions :hugs:
  5. Battuto.Giu

    Battuto.Giu Guest

    Thank you for the detailed suggestions. Thanks to her father I know very well how to obtain a restraining order. If it comes to that though it will be a much more emotional decision because it's my child; that will be a tough pill to swallow. I was thinking of giving her a time frame to find other living arrangements, but I didn't realize I would need eviction paper work (I'm in Ca as well) if she refused to leave. Thank you for letting me know. :hugs:
  6. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Welcome, welcome, Battuto.Giu :O) I am so glad you found us!

    I too think it would be good for you to contact a Women's Shelter or a domestic abuse hotline. So much of the battle we parents fight has to do with how we interpret what is happening to us, and to our children. There is a way for you to love your daughter while living in safety and dignity. Because the situation is so difficult and so painful, it might take a little while to figure everything out, but posting here is a great first step. Actually speaking to someone trained in helping those suffering domestic violence will put you another step or two toward knowing what to do, next.

    I hope you have a peaceful, happy day.

  7. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I had an abusive marriage as well. I married young and found out years later about the drug and alcohol abuse. He was not in my difficult child's life very much, just enough to cause more problems. Sadly, my difficult child son is just like his father! Mine was always difficult and I had him in as many programs I could find and afford. Once, he was in a in house behavior program for a month, twice court ordered rehab.

    Mine stole, and helped his friends steal, once completely wiping out my apartment. My saving grace was being transferred about 1 hour away.

    He is currently in a relationship with another difficult child and I had to call the police to stop her harassment. She wanted money and she wanted to call me every time they had a fight, which was a lot lol. He threatens suicide, cuts himself, and I did call the police (they live in another state thank heavens) and he told them he was not suicidal. The last time she came after him with a knife in a drunken rage and I spent $ to help him relocate and start over. This was after I found out about the 4 to 5 month conn where I was told he was homeless and I was trying to help him, it was all a lie, they were using my money to party.

    In November I had an idea they were back together - he denies it - but kept asking for money. This time I said no and meant it - before I would cave in after thinking about him being hungry. He told me he would steal and I could visit him in prison and he would kill himself if I didn't send him money.

    I'm tired of it, he actually went no contact with me, but until he actually makes an effort to get his life together I really don't want to deal with him. I love my son, and I still have my sad days, I'm over the guilt, and I believe with all my heart that there is nothing I can do to help him.

    It is completely out of our control. I have been in therapy and I recommend it, read all of the books out there, post on the forum, cry if it makes you feel better. I stay busy with hobbies, exercise, meditation etc.

    Many of my family members don't quite get 'it' so I don't discuss in detail what's going on. His sister is aware and my husband. Learn to detach and learn to take care of YOU, you deserve it.

    Regardless of the reason for their problems I now know that all of my 'helping' did nothing to help - only made my health worse. Stay strong and do not let her abuse you one more minute. The members of this forum understand so well what you are going through.
    (((hugs and blessings for us all)))