Paranoia - Maybe silly but...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Feb 5, 2012.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    This may be silly but I cannot stop thinking about it. Hoping if I post then my mind will calm. My paranoia may be running amock...but - difficult child really likes a rare band. He has their stuff on itunes but mentioned a few weeks ago that he would like to have the physical CDs at some point. Strangely, I happened upon them online this week. Bought 4 for less than $5. Worth $40+.

    Told him what I had done and the CD were on their way. He seemed happy. Then got a little too interested in when they were arriving. I didn't get it as he doesn't have the ability to pay them at the dorm. Wanted me to bring them there as soon as they arrived. When they came, I was going to the store so I offered to pick him up some snacks and then drop them by. He agreed. When I arrived, I couldn't find him. Saturday night at 7 pm. He texted me an hour later and told me he fell asleep on the sofa in the common room. Yesterday, he calls to meet up. I'm out. CDs at home but snacks in car. He doesn't want me to drop off snacks without CDs.

    I don't get the need to have these so badly. He has the music on his ipod.

    I'm getting the feeling it is for the cash they may bring. Thinking about opening them and installing on the computer here as a 'favor' to him for when he updates his ipod here. Harder to sell opened CDs and impossible to return to the store (especially when your driver's license is gone due to a pending DUI.)

    Its been two months since difficult child's arrests. Two court dates looming. He took one less class this term (my idea) so he could have more time to work. Claims no one is hiring and he has looked everywhere. Even said he walked from dorm to WalMart (maybe 3 miles) to apply. (Huh, don't they just point you to a computer at customer service to apply?) Then he claimed he applied at a one chair barber shop. (To do what?) I don't say much, a lot of "Hmmm" and "That's great."

    I don't know how he is getting cash to smoke cigarettes. He isn't going to any meetings anymore and I doubt he is sober.

    On a brighter note, I am getting a rhythm to my empty nest which I like. It's different but a lot more peaceful.
  2. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Most of us here would say to follow your gut. If you think he is using he probably is. If you think he is just going to sell the CDs for drugs then just tell him you have changed your mind and want to save themas a birthday or christmas gift whichever is further away. I too think he wants to sell them especially if he has no way to play them.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hmmmm well you have my paranoia running now too. If it were my difficult child I would think she wanted them to copy and sell on campus. If it's a rare band he may be able to get some money doing that but the blank cd's will cost money and the time involved so I don't know.

    I think you were overgenerous buying them for him but I've done the same thing so I shouldn't talk.

  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    difficult child burns and cells CD's frequently and has for ten years. That's the only thing that seems to make sense to me unless there is a girl who is into music and that is his gateway to her. Frankly I wouldn't continue to worry about it and just resolve to myself that this is the only batch he's getting. I know, lol, I am not the poster child for detaching. on the other hand I no longer allow myself to worry about what "could" be happening or what "could" be on his mind. It didn't help him a darn bit and it kept me in a near constant state of concern. Enjoy your peaceful house and then you'll have the strength to deal with future problems when and if they come. That's my two cents worth. :) Hugs DDD
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I understand your paranoia.... and I would listen to it, especially since you haven't given him the CDs yet. I went to sleep last night thinking about the bike we just got difficult child when we were in Florida. I figure he probably sold it and used the money for spice. The money really makes mem feel sick to my stomach..... but I am afraid to ask him about it. I don't want to hear the lies and I don't think I want to hear the truth either so I am just letting it go. But we are not getting him any more stuff.... we will pay the rent on the sober house and a bit for groceries for a while... but we are going to keep cutting it down to put the pressure on him to get a job.

    Anyway many of us feel that paranoia and unfortunately often its true.

  6. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I wouldn't call it paranoia - just a case of been there done that.

    Let's face it - if your easy child, straight A, chess club president wanted the CDs right away- you'd think you he was excited and you'd congratulate yourself on a gift well chosen!

    You got the CDs because you're a mama reaching out to your son. The difficult child in your son has reared his head
    and triggered rightful EARNED skepticism.

    I know you hate it. So do I. In fact I made a similar post about Christmas gifts a month ago. We're moms, following our hearts is what we do. Don't add guilt to the mix.

  7. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Its so sad that we can't just give gifts without being taken advantage of. The truth is he could sell the snacks to. My difficult child use to buy candy at the store with her babysitting money when she was a 7th grader. She'd take it to school and double her money by selling it to kids ( no vending machines so demand was high). I found out she was doing this to buy pot.

    The only gift I feel good about is the gift of time or a family outing. Mine uses any money to ride the train to a city 30 miles away to see some friends and I'm sure smoke pot. She is always gone at least 2 days doing who knows what.

    If this isn't feeling good, don't give them to him. I've caught myself before-buy something and then decide I can't give it to her. We have sworn we will buy only the basics-clothes, shoes, food, toiletries. We don't even give her many choices on these-she just takes advantage. Really stinks-because it sure would be fun to enjoy normal things with them. They have done this to themselves. We have to keep telling ourselves this. Hugs and hang in there.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That reminds me of all the times I bought difficult child something and took it back a few days later after finding out she stole something or smoked something or any number of things.

  9. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Oh Nancy been there done that! I just feel so stupid when I do that but...How can we let them keep stuff when they behave like they do? There have been times when I just go in and take stuff back. She never says anything. She knows what she's done.

    Alabama Girl do what your gut says- we've all been there and either way there may be no feeling good about it.
  10. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Thanks for the support. Every cell in my body says he is out of control. He has the first math exam tomorrow (in a class he has failed twice before.) I offered to help. Refused. Looked online and saw he hadn't attempted any of the homework or extra credit. When I asked, I was told that doing so only makes him less likely to do it.

    While I understand that addicts think differently than we do, I still get angry than he is wasting my money for college and fearful of what he will do to support himself. I've raised this child on my own almost since the beginning. I have only one relative left who isn't an addict. When he falls (not if), he will look to me. Of course, if he is using, I know what to do. But, if he gets clean, then what do I do? If he plays away the money I have saved for his college, should I replace it? I guess what I mean is I'd love the opportunity to help him...and he doesn't want what I am trying to give.

    It hurts.

    Side question - does anyone have any advice on redoing a will to protect difficult child in this situation? I don't want to leave him anything if he isn't sober. Yet I don't have any family capable of watching over it.
  11. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Alabama Girl,
    You can appoint a trusted friend as executor of the will and money. I do think that you can have guidelines and requirements for using the money.

    To me school just isn’t very important when difficult child is using. I'm a teacher and boy did that take some work to get to that point. The hardest thing I ever did was spend college money on an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for difficult child. The truth is, if they are not alive and well, they can’t go to school let alone benefit from the education. There are a few functioning addicts that make it-but benefit??? How long will he function if he is one of those? What about happiness? They have no chance for that when they are using.

    When court happens, some choices may be taken away. He may have to get real. Or maybe-his hand will only be slapped. At this point in my difficult child journey, I would not pay for college unless difficult child was sober and not acting out-period. I'd rather spend the money on rehab if and when she wants helps. It has required that I shift my expectation and dreams for her. It has required that I grieve the loss of the smart/college ready child I thought I had. It is a day by day process. I tell myself often, this is no different than if I had the choice to give her life saving open heart surgery or sending her to college. There is no choice-she first must be alive and well. Addiction is a disease. ((Hugs))) I share your pain.
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I made my easy child a trustee over difficult child's portion of the money to be used only for her treatment if she is not sober and living expenses if she is.

    Is there anyone you trust to be a trustee? It doesn't have to be a relative.


    P.S. I agree with exhausted.
  13. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    We are working on our wills also. Right now, our assets and life insurance proceeds go into a testamentary trust to be used for our kids' expenses by the trustee (my mom or my uncle) when our youngest turns 25, the remaining funds are distributed equally among our 3 kids. I have told my mom that if both h and I were to die and difficult child is still a difficult child at age 29, she should spend down the trust for the benefit of my two other children so that difficult child gets as little cash as possible.

    I believe a testamentary trust has to terminate when the "child" is 25 but it likely depends on the state. I think the max in any state is age 25 and it may be 21 in others. Since your difficult child is only 18 you could set up your will that way and revise it if need be in 6 years. But you will need a trustee to oversee it - a friend, a lawyer, anyone?
  14. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    As far as college expenses, we will pay for expenses after he starts performing. (Though our difficult child doesn't want any of "our" money because it's tainted by our so called desire to control him - so it's a mute point) H told him that if he goes back to school on his own dime and does well, we will pay for the NEXT semester. If he doesn't do well that semester, he is done. If he does well, we'll pay the following semester. etc
  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    husband and I have thought long and hard over the will situation. Because of difficult child, we have put off making the will for a long time. I was leaning toward making easy child the executor and have her in charge of the money for difficult child. However, that just didn't seem fair to burden easy child with being difficult child's financial guardian. I could see difficult child hounding her for the money.

    I am leaning towards just leaving an equal amount to both and let go and let God. If difficult child burns through it on drugs, at least we won't be here to see it.

  16. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Kathy - we are in the same place. we actually are redoing our wills because we redid them less than 2 years ago - making our then 18 yo easy child (now difficult child) the guardian for his younger brothers. At the time, we had no hesitation that he would be a wonderful parental figure for his brothers - thought we had set up some financial guidance from his grandmother and uncle.

    Of course, we've had to spring into action to undo that short-lived will which begged the questions - do we write him out? Of course the answer was no - because neither one of us could bear that our last message to our son (difficult child or otherwise) would be so final. So - we have some safeguards - primarily to protect 14 yo easy child and give him the opportunity to be launched into adulthood -- but when pc14 is 25, the rest will be divided equally.
  17. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I have much to think about. Thank you all...

    It is just hard to see any good outcome for him if he fails this term. I have no choice but to pull him from school. I don't want him living here at that point. He'd make my life a living you-know-what.

    Without a car and support system, the chances of him getting a job (and keeping it) are nil. He will end up on the street or in jail. Maybe he will decide to get treatment. I have zero control in that.

    Going to put the CDs on eBay.

    Going to tell difficult child that he will need to find a ride to his court date in about a week. (He's going to plead youthful offender so they'll likely just do paperwork and give him a court date. Not hiring an attorney for this one - 3rd degree theft. No need for me to spend the evening dealing with him.)

    Have found a good wills/estates attorney. Will call next week for an appointment. Going to ask him for advice in case I need to evict difficult child so he can't move home if he screws up this semester. Also going to ask what kind of liability I have for his actions as you aren't an adult in Alabama until you turn 19. If this is going to turn the way I think it will, then I need to know when I can stop paying auto insurance on him. (Even though he has a suspended license now, I've been told to keep paying in case he decides to drive someone else's car and hurts someone - if so, I'm liable now.)

    Thanks again....
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Kathy "let go, let God" is what we finally decided to use. We have very little but difficult child#1 will get 1/6 of what's there (he is getting GFGmom's share as we won't give her another cent...ever). Like you we had considered having one of our adult easy child's be in charge but it really is a burden. Our attorney explained the complexities of setting up alternate choices and it made no financial sense for our circumstances. So..we have opted to include him as an equal and what he chooses to do...just like his choice. Sigh!
  19. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi Alabamagirl,

    Another here that agree's with Exhausted.

    About the Will...husband and I have agreed to leave equal shares to our children, regardless of their "situations".

    husband's mother (who was an alcoholic and big time enabler to husband's difficult child sister) died and left Everything to husband's sister. husband's sister was an addict who would not/could not hold down a job and she was "raising" her son alone. I say "raising" because at one point difficult child sister dropped off her son at our doorstep and drove away while her son knocked on our door and said, "Aunt T will you let me stay with you". While difficult child sister drove away and no doubt party-ed all the while. I had told difficult child sister that I no longer was going to be "used" by her UNLESS husband and I were to adopt her son (which we actually considered at one point).
    Anyway...poor husband felt like his mother had Punished Him for being a Success! Can't tell you the division it created after husband's mother's death. husband really resents his sister for being such a difficult child...and his mother for falling for it. He had overcome So SO much and done so well in life that he ended up with nothing from his mother...well, except the many boxes of her memorabilia etc since certainly couldn't be trusted in husband's difficult child sister's hands.

    So...Because of that personal story we decided that regardless of success or failure by our children that we would distribute any wealth equally.

  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    About the will. My father evidently died without a will though I will truly never believe that is true. It just doesnt feel right to me that a man who was so meticulous about everything else in his life would have been that short sighted. I mean he was an accounted for heavens sake! But my step-mother swears there was no will and no one has ever contacted me to say there was so I guess I will never know. He never told me.

    One thing he did do was put money in my name along with his in a CD. I never knew about it. When I found out about it, it was actually something that I could have accessed at any time in the last 15 years because it was an account that was an either or account. I would bet my right arm that prior to that the account was listed in a different way. Maybe it was a 10 year CD in his name only with me as beneficiary but that I couldnt change it until the 10 years were up or something like that. Hoping that by the time the 10 years were up I would be a bit more grown up. I am also pretty sure that my father stayed around till I was all grown up and ready to make it in life on my own. I still am not completely sure he waited long enough But he did wait 84 years so I give him props for hanging in there a long time. I just miss my daddy. He did a good job.

    Now my mom attempted to make a will that would cut me to the quick but I beat her out of it. She put it in her will that I was only to get $10 per year and that was if I was homeless and I could prove I needed that for medical care and I had a doctors note saying I needed it for some sort of over the counter medication such as cold items or bandaids or things like that. Everything else was to go to my oldest son. None of my other kids were to get anything. If I never became homeless then I would never receive a dime. I beat her though because when she became sick, I got POA over her and had to sell everything she had to take care of her other than her personal items and all the things I wanted that she had all my life are now in my house. Billy never wanted them to start with. I sold her house and bought my doublewide so I had a place big enough to take care of her along with my whole family. So there!