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Failure to Thrive
'Parenting' my 50-year old younger brother
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<blockquote data-quote="Deni D" data-source="post: 761422" data-attributes="member: 22840"><p>I didn't read the others responses, so I don't know if I could be repeating myself here. </p><p></p><p>First of all I think your mom see's your brother as someone who has not grown up, and feels he's still a small child who needs help. For an older person on one hand I'm sure it feels good to be needed and she probably feels good about helping him, but then on the other hand I wonder how she worries everyday about what's going to happen to him when she is gone. I find it to be, well frankly disgusting, for a more than middle aged grown <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> child to do this to their elderly mother. But as it seems in your case it has gone on for so long neither your mother nor your bother know any different and I don't think you are going to be able to change that. </p><p></p><p>I know of another family where the mom has done this kind of rescuing, for many years, with one of her offspring. One who is well into the age of at least not tapping into her own mother's assets for her ongoing living expenses. And now the mother has no money left except her monthly Social Security. All of her long-term savings gone, and all proceeds from her 5 bedroom, 2 bath house gone. She bought a mobile home on rented property a few years ago and then a couple years ago had to bring in a friend to buy half in to cover half of her housing expenses because she was still being hit up for money. Now her friend wants out and she can't buy her out because she has no money, thanks to her loving child who continues to tap her for every dime she can get from her. This is a child who acts like she loves her mother, and really seems to care for her. I would like to slap that adult child silly. It's good you are looking out for your mother's interests and haven't let this happen to her. </p><p></p><p>You are stuck in a place of trying to protect your mother from your brother in case she needs her assets. I wouldn't worry so much about inheritance as much as if he blows through money she might need for herself while she is still here. And I think you know when her time is near most likely she will request that you continue to take care of him. </p><p></p><p>So:</p><p>1. You mentioned being Filipino. I know of a few who are Filipino's, so kind and caring comes to mind. This is just an aside, I can think of a two people who I am ever grateful for. Just mentioning this for them. </p><p>2. Do you have or can you get power of attorney for your mom if/when she cannot make financial decisions for herself so what's left of her money can be protected for her? Seems like it might be needed at some point. </p><p>3. You can't talk her into anything. </p><p>4. You can't talk him into anything. </p><p>5. You are not responsible for your brother, this is not a legacy thing that is being passed on to you. Many have figured out a way to deal once the "gravy train" is no longer available. I have a strong feeling he will use his "victimhood" to continue his lifestyle or maybe he will just change his lifestyle when he needs to. This article here on detachment seems like it could do you good: <a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">Article on Detachment | Parent Emeritus</a></p><p>6. If your mom ever asks you to continue to take care of him you can just say "he will be alright".</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Deni D, post: 761422, member: 22840"] I didn't read the others responses, so I don't know if I could be repeating myself here. First of all I think your mom see's your brother as someone who has not grown up, and feels he's still a small child who needs help. For an older person on one hand I'm sure it feels good to be needed and she probably feels good about helping him, but then on the other hand I wonder how she worries everyday about what's going to happen to him when she is gone. I find it to be, well frankly disgusting, for a more than middle aged grown :censored2: child to do this to their elderly mother. But as it seems in your case it has gone on for so long neither your mother nor your bother know any different and I don't think you are going to be able to change that. I know of another family where the mom has done this kind of rescuing, for many years, with one of her offspring. One who is well into the age of at least not tapping into her own mother's assets for her ongoing living expenses. And now the mother has no money left except her monthly Social Security. All of her long-term savings gone, and all proceeds from her 5 bedroom, 2 bath house gone. She bought a mobile home on rented property a few years ago and then a couple years ago had to bring in a friend to buy half in to cover half of her housing expenses because she was still being hit up for money. Now her friend wants out and she can't buy her out because she has no money, thanks to her loving child who continues to tap her for every dime she can get from her. This is a child who acts like she loves her mother, and really seems to care for her. I would like to slap that adult child silly. It's good you are looking out for your mother's interests and haven't let this happen to her. You are stuck in a place of trying to protect your mother from your brother in case she needs her assets. I wouldn't worry so much about inheritance as much as if he blows through money she might need for herself while she is still here. And I think you know when her time is near most likely she will request that you continue to take care of him. So: 1. You mentioned being Filipino. I know of a few who are Filipino's, so kind and caring comes to mind. This is just an aside, I can think of a two people who I am ever grateful for. Just mentioning this for them. 2. Do you have or can you get power of attorney for your mom if/when she cannot make financial decisions for herself so what's left of her money can be protected for her? Seems like it might be needed at some point. 3. You can't talk her into anything. 4. You can't talk him into anything. 5. You are not responsible for your brother, this is not a legacy thing that is being passed on to you. Many have figured out a way to deal once the "gravy train" is no longer available. I have a strong feeling he will use his "victimhood" to continue his lifestyle or maybe he will just change his lifestyle when he needs to. This article here on detachment seems like it could do you good: [URL="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/"]Article on Detachment | Parent Emeritus[/URL] 6. If your mom ever asks you to continue to take care of him you can just say "he will be alright". [/QUOTE]
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'Parenting' my 50-year old younger brother
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