Parents refuse to be around my husband...

Marguerite

Active Member
WNC, I'm currently dealing with something approaching this with easy child 2/difficult child 2. Undoubtedly different causes and degrees, but I've changed tactics to try something new.

easy child 2/difficult child 2 needs to be in control. She has to have the last word. She also seems to be rewriting history to help her seem to be the wronged party. Her behaviour includes appalling hissy fits, screaming rages followed by floods of tears, almost hysterical sobbing.

I need to post about this separately, and when I get the strength I will, but a couple of things I'm trying, might be something to think about:

1) I've stopped engaging with her on the stated reason for her throwing a tantrum. My main focus is now the bad behaviour, and I am making it clear, I will not discuss the rights and wrongs of who said what first, as long as she is behaving badly. Because such bad behaviour is a problem in its own right and takes absolute priority.

2) When it gets to the floods of tears stage (or with your husband, the "I'm useless, why don't I pack a bag and leave," stage) I deliberately ignore the tears. Or I may even make myself seem heartless by agreeing with the tears (or any negative comments). For example, "I'm a horrible person," from her would have me responding with, "If you keep behaving like this, that is what people will be saying."
To sit with her when she is crying and to give her a hug - I suspect it would be validating the tantrum in her and no way do I want to do that.

Your husband IS being manipulative and abusive. And you are matching him at every point, trying to be the peacemaker, trying to soothe him - because if you can soothe him, hose things down, it's better for you. Which it is - because HE now feels better, at your expense.

When you came home from hospital your feelings and your needs should have been considered. But they weren't. Right when you should have been looking after yourself, you were instead having to fret about him, trying to give him the attention you'd been stealing from him.

He is a competitor. And because YOU had 'scored' a LOT of attention, all those people you don't know were fussing over you in hospital and worrying whether you had cancer or not, HE had to somehow play 'catch up' and prove to you that HE is still the centre of your universe. Saying to you, "I should pack my bags and leave" - yes, he IS trying to make it clear that if he leaves it will be because YOU asked him to leave (even though HE offered, and therefore it was HIS idea). And yes, he was fairly sure of what your immediate instinctive reaction would be.

Before husband, I was engaged to a bloke like this. We had some arguments, often over really silly things. He also was very competitive - with me, and with other people. He used to argue with his grandfather violently (verbally) and they both were yelling abuse at each other, and they both seemed to enjoy it. I also observed how the grandfather treated my fiancé's grandmother, and began to realise what my fate would be.
An example of an argument - as two science students we often discussed our studies. I had said something about binocular vision being needed to be able to see 3-D. He said that was a foolish and untrue remark, when simple experimentation can show that I was right. I didn't even feel it was worthy of an argument, but he really picked a fight over it, got very personal in his insults ("you must be very stupid and very gullible to believe rubbish like that") and then when I was really upset, he would use every wile he had to try to get around me, to soothe me, to make me agree with him just to keep the peace. It was as if he deliberately picked a fight to make me cry, and then used my tears almost as an exciting aphrodisiac, enjoying the 'make up' afterwards. But I didn't work that way and it made me feel really uncomfortable.

If I had married him my life would have been one long uncertain, unstable put-down. I learnt a lot from him, about how to do much better. But I had been under his thumb for long enough (only a few months, but definitely long enough) to want him back, for some time after he dumped me. He had totally brainwashed me into believing that he was the best thing for me, and that he knew best. He turned me into a doormat, always wanting to please him and keep him happy (because his displeasure was MOST unpleasant).
After a few months my eyes began to open and I realised just what a scumbag he was. I also learnt to play the game in my own way, totally turning the tables in an unpredictable way. Blokes like him treat people the way they do, because they've learned how to make it work for them. I found a new way to handle him which he did not expect.

With all I eventually learned, I was able to look back on certain odd things which I had filed in the back of my mind, and realise he had been cheating on me, probably with a number of females over most of our relationship. He didn't know, but he had me so cowed I would have forgiven him anything, even allowed him to have an open relationship (for a while maybe) because it was all I deserved for being so weak, so immature, so imperfect. The few times he slipped up and I almost cottoned on, were times when he attacked me (verbally) with apparently no provocation - I later worked out that this was a BIG red flag, he was deflecting what he thought were my suspicions by picking a fight about nothing in particular. It is quite likely that the 'argument' about 3-D vision was one such occasion.

People who need to be the centre of attention will lap up any flattery from any source. They will even seek it out, which is why you need to be suspicious (or 100% forgiving = doormat).

Forgive my dirty mind, but I do wonder if his 'hissy fit' mightn't be covering up for the mouse playing up because the cat was in hospital having tests? And he felt guilty, plus had to deflect? It was not only your eyes might have seen through his facade, it was your parents. They're not controlled by him as tightly as you are. They are less vulnerable, a wild card in the deck of his life for those days they would have been there. And by driving them away, he won - he got you (and your lack of suspicion) to himself, plus he milked you for as much sympathy as he could, which also worked to completely distract you from any suspicion.

It's just an idea.

But a point to note - if you suspect anything like this, confronting is generally useless. He MIGHT admit to it, but I suspect he would say what he wanted to, to get the reaction he most desires at that moment. Even if he confessed, I wouldn't necessarily believe it.

And really, from what you describe, I don't think infidelity is the problem, even if he IS playing around. All it would be is yet another symptom of much deeper, long-standing problems that I don't think he want to change.

When you made your appointment, and set up his, he played willing and then did his best to make you feel that absolutely everything is entirely your fault and you are just such a lucky woman that he hasn't already left you. When living with that attitude for long, it's no wonder your instinctive reaction is to plead, "Don't go," because that is exactly how he has taught you to be. I'm also willing to bet that he won't actually follow through for long with counselling. The sessions will probably involve him talking about how hard his life is, married to you, how much he does and how little it is appreciated. Once the counsellor begins to dig for the truth, you husband will be announcing he doesn't need any more counselling.

Anyway, that's my prediction.

Get to counselling on your own. Learn to find inside you the strong, sensible, loving woman you are. Learn to keep the peacemaker back in the box until you need her for real. Learn to just listen without trying to fix - because frankly, HE has to fix things without your help because unless he does it all himself, he won't own it. He can always blame you if things go pear-shaped.

My sister in law is married to a bloke like this. There was a time when we thought she would finally have the courage to leave him. She was laying down the law, she was setting conditions he HAD to adhere to, if the marriage was to be saved. But he has managed to slide back to his old ways again.
What saddens me most - she is such a long way away from the fun-loving girl she once was. Now, in order to justify her continuing marriage to him, she has buried her own personality and taken on some of his more unpleasant characteristics. It's purely in self-defence, but it's the only way she can reconcile it all with herself. Otherwise she would have to see it all as a waste, and of course it is not. When she is away from him for more than a few days, we begin to see her old self returning; until he telephones, or comes back from his short stay with his friend.

Even a really bad marriage has its good points - for one thing, it can teach you about pitfalls to avoid in the future. Like a broken limb which heals with a stronger bone than it was before, a bad marriage can leave you stronger in some areas, less vulnerable than you might otherwise have been.
A bad marriage can equip you to help and advise others. And the sense of freedom you can have, when you finally come into the light and discover your own strengths for yourself - a controlling partner would never allow you to find this in yourself because it would make you less malleable.

Next time he says he should pack his bags and leave, see what would happen if you said, "It's an interesting idea - well, if you think it is something you feel you must do, I can't stand in your way." You wouldn't be throwing him out, you just would be letting him leave.

And if he said otherwise, you would know for sure. Also if he suddenly backpedalled, you would know he was just trying the emotional blackmail on you.

Not an easy situation.

I am so glad you got a cancer-free diagnosis. Cling to that and learn to be happy for yourself. Your husband has to make his own happiness, and not expect you to manufacture it for him. We are each responsible for our own feelings, and he mustn't expect you to pamper him and make him feel better.

In other words. He's a brat. He has to grow up and face his responsibilities. It's about time.

Marg
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I am so thankful you are cancer-free!! This is news to celebrate.

I am sorry about your husband. Others have made many good points, esp Star.

Today, now, ASAP, start to go through the paperwork to find what you will NEED to start over. Kids' birth certs, medical records, everyone's SSN cards, insurance cards, etc....

DO NOT let him know you are pulling these. Take them to the bank, get a safe deposit box, and keep them there. Under NO circumstances are you to let him have them. Act confused if he notices they are gone. Don't tell him you have them. Be sure your box is NOT in your regular bank, use a different one.

I watched a friend go through much of this. Her husband agreed to go to counselling separately from her. Surprise!! AFter just 2 sessions the therapist said there was nothing wrong with him, SHE was the one with something wrong. This therapist had never MET her, and I can imagine the stories the therapist was told.

Be prepared for this - it apparently isn't that common.

What do you say when he goes into the "if I had a gun" or "I shouldn't have been born" crap? My husband went through a period of saying this. Jess had just been born, I was working 70 hours or more a week. I still remember looking at husband and telling him if he really felt this way I would go buy a gun, and after the 15 day wait would show him how to shoot so I wasn't left taking care of a vegetable.

He was so appalled, totally NOT the reaction he expected. He was told that I never hear this again - either do it or shut up about it. I also told him to either get his act together and get counselling OR fake like he was OK if the only way he could talk about whatever was wrong was to threaten suicide.

It is time to go to the domestic violence shelter. They have a LOT of resources. Many will help you. Use their help to figure out a safe plan to get away, and to get your children away. Be prepared for the threat of physical violence, or actual physical violence if/when he sees you are leaving.

It is time to get some help. This is no way to teach your children to be - and kids frequently do what they have been shown by their parents.

I am sorry.

Susie
 
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