Parole violation

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by luv my ottb, Dec 18, 2017.

  1. luv my ottb

    luv my ottb Member

    She's in jail again. As I type, the jail is calling. It's her. Wanting me to bail her out. Nope, not doing it. I am ignoring the calls. She goes in front of the judge Friday morning.

    I am a long time lurker of this forum and posted a few times when Difficult Child was much younger. She's 20 and has a multitude of problems. Adhd, lack of impulse control, mood disorder, mental instability. Thanks to this forum, my husband and I have been practicing detachment from her everyday drama.

    She has been couch surfing since April 2016. Dropped out of high school, no job. She has issues with mood, ADHD, an inability to get along with others. She lies and manipulate others around her. She got caught shoplifting 2 years ago. She was stealing our car at night and brought it home wrecked the next morning. She tried to blame a boyfriend for "vandalizing" the car. We called the police thinking it was vandalized. Turns out she stole the car, went joyriding and scraped a mailbox. We had her arrested and tossed in jail for 4 days till we bailed her out. That was Mother's Day. Ironic. Since then, she has had parole violations for pot. Tossed in jail again. She has a new boyfriend every 3 to 4 weeks. She had one over the summer and hoodwinked his family into thinking she was pregnant with twins. They kicked her out when they finally contacted me and I told them she was not pregnant. She is compulsive liar. She lies when she doesn't even need to.

    She has stolen small amounts of money from me while still living in the house. In November, she asked to come home and get some clothes. I picked her up and we went to the drugstore for an errand. She was standing very close to me. She must have watched my as I put my PIN number to pay for my items. Well, immediately, she jumped into the backseat of the car to look for a charger. That's where my purse was and of course she lifted my debit card. I found out the next day as I was paying for groceries I had $600 missing from my account. The bank is investigating. I have refused to communicate with her since, except for making sure she got to the ob/gyn for her nexplanon birth control. It is just so hurtful to steal from your mother who was helping you.

    Today's incident stemmed from her not allowing the probation officer look around where she was living. She was resistant and would not allow it. So he arrested her today.

    So even though she is really unstable and horrendous sometimes, I feel bad. Likely, because of Christmas. Thanks for listening. This forum is invaluable.
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  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am glad you posted. You are not alone. It is so painful when they steal and lie and it is so easy for them to do. We have to see through the veil, love them and not enable them. Who ever compared this to a Circus act is dead right. Under the big top. Dangerous act, with no safety net. That is where we all find ourselves.

    Stand strong and protect yourself if she is able to survive the way she is. She is capable of seeking proper health.

    Our stories have many similarities.
  3. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Luv. Good job not answering that phone. Keep posting while it rings, better yet block the call. You've done all you can. As a mean mom who left her son in jail for Christmas (after another DUI), I hurt for you. She's no doubt safer there than on the streets, you're not teaching the lesson, society is. My son stayed one month that year and although we were sad at the holiday, we were so thankful he didn't die or kill someone else. He was driving 7 mph, yes you read that right, not 70, but 7 when police stopped him. o_O Drunk as could be, 1 mile from home. It makes so little sense to us that they choose to live this way. I've finally started to understand---that I'll never understand.
    We're here. Take comfort, you are not alone. Prayers.
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    "I understand that I'll never understand." I love this. Thanks. I too don't understand. My son won't change or get help, but he is miserable, and I don't understand. I have a sister l will never understand either so we can't even talk.

    Radical acceptance. We must realize we cant change anyone but us.
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm glad you posted. You sound very strong. I think you and your husband have a good handle on detaching.
    I'm so sorry she stole from you. I've said it many times, there is no betrayal quite like when your own child steals from you.
    Continue to hold firm in not bailing her out and not accepting her phone calls. I know it can be hard but stick with it.

    Despite her being in jail do your best to enjoy the holiday's. I get it, my son is currently doing 2 years for assault, this is his second Christmas in jail (this go around, he's spent a few holiday's in jail over the years)
  6. luv my ottb

    luv my ottb Member

    I don't feel very strong emotionally. But the logical side knows better. I am sorry for your need to be on this forum also, but glad to know I am not alone.
  7. luv my ottb

    luv my ottb Member

    I know I will never understand it. I am working on changing myself, but sometimes the mommy heart gets in the way of the brain. Unfortunately, the phone again has started ringing again with daughter calling from jail hoping I will answer and bail her out.
  8. luv my ottb

    luv my ottb Member

    Thank you all for reading my post. I appreciate the wisdom of all who are faced with similar life circumstances. My heart hurts, however I will carry on as usual.

    I went to get my hair done today and was afraid my stylist was going to ask about daughter. I just could not talk about her today without tears. Thank goodness she never asked about her. Dodged the bullet.
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's never easy when someone asks about our difficult adult children. Knowing who you can trust with the truth can be a slippery slope.
    It helps to have some "canned answers" at the ready.
    How's your daughter/son doing?
    As well as can be expected.

    What's your daughter/son doing these days?
    Oh, a little of this and that, just trying to make ends meet.

    After giving a quick, non descript answer, I change the subject.
    I have had people push for "real" answers and I simply tell them I do not care to discuss it any further.
    I used to worry about what people would think but am over that now. I really don't care what people think of me. What they think is none of my business. You also learn who your true friends are.

    Wishing you a good day today. ((HUGS))
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  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Sorry you have to be here too but so glad we all have each other.

    I think accepting there is no answer for our difficult young adult's behavior is a huge step in the right direction. It took me many years to do this and I still struggle with it.

    Yes accepting that we will never understand is key.

    I refuse to be shamed anymore by what our son has done. Most families have skeletons in their closet and most people are touched by addiction in some way. The girl who does my hair's mother is an alcoholic. She is an only child. She has very limited contact with her mother due to this.

    I love my son and don't want to talk about him in a bad way although at times I am very angry. It has taken me a long time to feel this way. Of course he is in treatment now so it makes it easier but he has been in treatment many times. Trying to see it as a disease helps you have more compassion but of course we need to practice self-compassion also.