Part 2...His daughter?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Jun 15, 2012.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    About last October, difficult child was fighting with his ex-girlfriend. They have a history of being cruel to each other. He told her he had a 3 month old daughter. (Fool didn't close the computer with FB open. Plz don't condemn me.)

    I didn't say a word because I felt he was just manipulating her as she loves little children, especially girls. She does similar to him.

    Then, last night, while packing up difficult child's apartment (cause he refused to do so...sigh) I saw the words "My daughter" on a piece of paper. It was a Step Two workbook. The question was "Name the four most important people in your life."

    So, I opened his laptop and searched for pics. There were four marked with this child's name. All dates right after he left in-patient.

    Keep in mind I live in a small town. I cannot imagine him getting someone pregnant and no one breathing a word to me nor asking him for financial help.

    I go through all his old girlfriend's facebook pages...looking for baby pics and/or pregnancy pics. Nada.

    When he got back, I asked him if he had a child. "No, what makes you think that?" "Well it appears you told your ex that."

    I waited to discuss the pics while in the therapist's office this morning. difficult child denied. Said he was trying to "mess" with ex-girlfriend.

    I asked therapist if he knew if difficult child had ever told anyone he was a father. Answer was no.

    All in all, I don't believe there is a child. I called several close friends and confided in them today. They swore they never heard anything about it but would tell me if they ever did. Also, one of these photos was professionally taken. It had a pillow in it with a large "M". difficult child does understand about props but since he gave me a "B' name, I doubt they would use a "M' pillow. Make sense? However, I don't understand why "my daughter" was written in his workbook.

    All in all though, it showed me how very manipulative he is. What little trust he built recently is gone.

    Wanted to put it out there in case any of you (you wise, wise warrior moms) saw anything I didn't see.

    Have I mentioned how incredibly grateful I am that he is almost 100 miles away from me? May God bless all those who worked in rehab/recovery...
  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    {{{hugs}}} honey. I think it is probably a game playing tactic with ex girlfriend - probably pics he found online and passed along which would jive with the M/B thing.

    I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Here we go again and that sense of dread. Maybe I project too much, but that's how I am feeling with my own difficult child lately. And life in general. And though it doesn't help to know someone else is feeling awful too, I just want you to know that I get it and I care. Please don't second guess yourself.
  3. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Wow, I don't know. I do know about the serious lies and manipulation they are capable of. My difficult child wrote letters to prisoners and told them she was 19 when she was only 14 and 15. These were serious offenders-one a murderer. The return letters were sent to several different friends' homes-clearly marked from the Pen. She was putting these people at risk and herself-For that high she gets living on the edge and I guess to feel needed. She was set back from phase five and almost graduating her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to phase 1, she didn't learn. She did this a few months ago with a gangster scum. I had to call the prison again.

    I believe it is possible that this is a lie. Could this have happened with a girl out of town? Was he away at school? The truth will surface. Don't worry yourself at this point, but as always be prepared for the worst-we have to be.
  4. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I know what it's like to chase down these tall tales from my own difficult child. It's exhausting and baffling that they will lie like this, but they do. Sometimes you really don't know what to wish for. Many hugs,
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hmmmm lot to think about. If he wrote that in his notebook but didn't share it with group does that mean it isn't true or just that he isn't ready to share.

    I read difficult child's notebooks too when she left them laying around. That's how I found a picture another person drew and gave her of a spoon, lighter and needle and a girl holding it ready to shoot up. It alarmed me because I didn't know if she drew it or someone else did. It didn't matter, to me it showed me she wasn't thinking sober. I also read in her notebook that she said she was raped at age 14 and that was the first time she had sex and that was why she began drinking and smoking pot because she was so ashamed. That was just a lie. The boy she said raped her was our neighbor boy who was also 14 and she began hanging with him and smoking pot and drinking and they had sex, no force involved and he introduced her to all his pot friends who helped her begin her life as an addict. But I think she thought she didn't have a bad enough "story" like the others in rehab so she had to make one up.

    I'm sure it concerns you that this story has come up more than once now. If it was true it would explain some of his anger and acting out. If he's hiding something that big it takes a lot of energy. To go through the trouble of getting pictures tells you something, just not sure what. If he didn't intend anyone to find the pics why would he that? On the other hand if this is all a lie it shows he is deeply troubled and trying to manipulate something.

    You are right to pull back and recognize he has a lot of work to do and it cannot involve you. This is his journey to make and he will either sink or swim.

    AG what I hoped so much when difficult child was in rehab and when she came out was that we could build up trust again. What I found out was that trust takes a very very long time to rebuild and especially with addicts it does not come easily if ever. I had to learn to protect my heart from that, being hurt over and oevr again because I thought things were different only to learn they were the same, with a slightly different cover.

  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Perhaps the baby story is just a construct because: 1) You do live in a small town; you would have heard SOMETHING, right? 2) He is perpetuating that fib or lie because he had to come up with 4 most important people to write about in therapy. He probably doesn't have 4 people (I'm counting you, girlfriend, and he needs 2 more positive, important people). Maybe he had to make something up to fill the gaps? I know it's sad, but it's not outside the realm of possibility.
  7. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Thank you all for your thoughts to this thread and the other I started yesterday.

    Your insights mean a lot. As soon as I finished reading, something struck me. There are three difficult child's:

    1. The difficult child I think he is.
    2. The difficult child he really is.
    3. The difficult child he thinks he is.

    I knew about the first two but the last was what I realized today. He has to keep up the illusion so he drops from into #3 on occasion. I don't know which one I am dealing with. That's part of what is so hard...on top of having the immaturity and anger and passive aggressive crud too.

    I'm going to start thinking of him as having an alter ego. Geez...I'm sitting here like a cartoon character with a light bulb over my head. LOL
  8. keista

    keista New Member

    This one can be so scary. It's my FH. I tell ppl that I fell in love with and married a figment of HIS imagination. In many ways, I hope for you (and him) that the daughter is real instead of imagined.
  9. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    It's interesting to me AG that you talk about the "3" persona. My difficult child calls her troubled side "The Monster"-and always talks about how she fights it. Nancy,myself and difficult children teachers in Junior high, always felt the same about our difficult child-she had to embellish "the horrid reality of her life" to make her case for the behavior and pot use-we even were concerned about the rape and molestation accusations when it came out (we didn't voice this to her). We did find these to be true, but she made up other stories to fit in. At family therapy at Residential Treatment Center (RTC)-we often had to combat these. They soon figured out what she was doing, even the other kids and she got called on it. We have been told this drama making is often a part of Borderline (BPD). My friend's husband (on his way to becoming an ex) also has created this picture of a "perfect healed person" and can't own anything (he's an addict as well). He has 2 sides to him. He has been recently diagnosed with a personality disorder.

    I hope you will find out the truth soon-but not because you are trying to find out, but because he fesses up and proves it one way or another. These serious lies are such pathology with many of our kids. ((Hugs)) to you and hang in there.
  10. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    Thanks for your post. It helped me understand a little more what is truly going on.

    difficult child was psy tested at the rehab, he refused to sign for me to get results. That will change once he gets the bill and wants me to Therapist couldn't tell me details but I said since you aren't recommending medications or therapy, I'm guessing there isn't anything on the report that needs treatment. He nodded.

    What I learned from your post is a major reason why difficult child tries to keep me away from anyone in his life. He is vilifying (sp?) me to them in order to play the victim and/or keep up his act. If they interact wih me, he cannot do that as well.

    I know it is hard from him to be without a dad. Some of it is likely, as he claims, not wanting to be called a mama's boy. But as he ages, that should fall away.

    The fool actually told the ex-girlfriend..same one he told he had a daughter...that I drank away everything, that heroin addicts broke into our house and stole our clothes, etc. i had forgotten that whopper...makes me evn more convinced there isn't a daughter.

    What would I ever do without ll of you?!?
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    OK I am catching up..... my gut says there is no daughter... I think you would have heard it from someone else. I could totally see my difficult child making up a lie like that to get to an ex-girlfriend. And one other thought is that maybe he has a fantasy of having a daughter and writing that is part of that fantasy..... I know my difficult child wants to have kids someday so I could also see him doing that.

  12. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Sorry, but :rofl:

    This is so a thing my difficult child would do. And when confronted about it, he would behave all offended and tell that it said he had to write to four people, what was he supposed to do?!? Totally therapist/workbook's fault, not his.

    So I too vote for no daughter.
  13. Ehlena

    Ehlena New Member

    I'm going to vote no daughter as well. What you said about the three difficult children rang really true. My difficult child does something similar - makes up stories that make him sound more kind/skilled/etc. Sometimes it's a variation on a theme. It's tough to unravel what's true and what's not. If no one else has heard about her, she probably doesn't exist.