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Past, Present, Future -- Seeking Your Collective Wisdom?
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<blockquote data-quote="HeadlightsMom" data-source="post: 635582" data-attributes="member: 18284"><p>Pasajes4 & dstc99 -- Thanks for sharing your stories with such candor. My response can be similar to yours. It's definitely a work in progress. I think we're in all in the same boat here -- varying degrees, but same boat.</p><p></p><p>My response is usually to know which boundaries I'm comfortable with around difficult child. I go back-and-forth at times between feeling TOO hard on him and then TOO soft on him. Messes me up inside if I let that pendulum swing too far in either direction.</p><p></p><p>I do know that for me 2 things are pivotal:</p><p></p><p>1) Time --- I can only spend so much time with difficult child, even if it's going well. I always prefer to exit "wanting more" than "wanting less". Just seems to work better for us all.</p><p></p><p>2) Sanctuary --- I have to know that my home is my sanctuary. After spending all those years not having it that way (while difficult child was growing up), I have just learned how critical it is for me to have my home as a peaceful sanctuary. Not willing to give that up again.</p><p></p><p>I really prefer that Zen-like state of "radical acceptance" (I forget who said that in here, but I liked it a lot!) in the middle. Expressing gratitude usually helps me get there or stay there. But not always.</p><p></p><p>It's funny.... When difficult child calls, my inner response goes like this:</p><p></p><p>-- Oh no....Caller ID says it's difficult child on the phone. Do I answer?</p><p>-- If yes, I hold my breath until I hear his tone of voice. Calm or angry?</p><p>-- If angry, I tell him I'm hanging up and I do.</p><p>-- If not angry, I am suddenly so happy to hear his voice without anger. I relish the next bit of chat -- especially if we laugh.</p><p>-- After 20 min max, we usually have no more to say to each other and call ends.</p><p>-- After I hang up I exclaim, "Whew! Successful call!"</p><p></p><p>Then peace resumes.....until he calls again. Then it's rinse-lather-repeat all over again. </p><p></p><p>And that's just a phone call. When we're face-to-face with him (especially in our home -- which is rare these days), I hold my breath a lot.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes that makes me sad, though, because I really do love him. Yesterday someone who knew him when he was in Kindergarten said he always "sparkled". He did. And when he's stable, he still does. I just never know who's going to show up for long and sometimes I miss that "sparkler" for a very long time.....months.</p><p></p><p>Thank you all for listening and sharing your thoughts. Much appreciated. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HeadlightsMom, post: 635582, member: 18284"] Pasajes4 & dstc99 -- Thanks for sharing your stories with such candor. My response can be similar to yours. It's definitely a work in progress. I think we're in all in the same boat here -- varying degrees, but same boat. My response is usually to know which boundaries I'm comfortable with around difficult child. I go back-and-forth at times between feeling TOO hard on him and then TOO soft on him. Messes me up inside if I let that pendulum swing too far in either direction. I do know that for me 2 things are pivotal: 1) Time --- I can only spend so much time with difficult child, even if it's going well. I always prefer to exit "wanting more" than "wanting less". Just seems to work better for us all. 2) Sanctuary --- I have to know that my home is my sanctuary. After spending all those years not having it that way (while difficult child was growing up), I have just learned how critical it is for me to have my home as a peaceful sanctuary. Not willing to give that up again. I really prefer that Zen-like state of "radical acceptance" (I forget who said that in here, but I liked it a lot!) in the middle. Expressing gratitude usually helps me get there or stay there. But not always. It's funny.... When difficult child calls, my inner response goes like this: -- Oh no....Caller ID says it's difficult child on the phone. Do I answer? -- If yes, I hold my breath until I hear his tone of voice. Calm or angry? -- If angry, I tell him I'm hanging up and I do. -- If not angry, I am suddenly so happy to hear his voice without anger. I relish the next bit of chat -- especially if we laugh. -- After 20 min max, we usually have no more to say to each other and call ends. -- After I hang up I exclaim, "Whew! Successful call!" Then peace resumes.....until he calls again. Then it's rinse-lather-repeat all over again. And that's just a phone call. When we're face-to-face with him (especially in our home -- which is rare these days), I hold my breath a lot. Sometimes that makes me sad, though, because I really do love him. Yesterday someone who knew him when he was in Kindergarten said he always "sparkled". He did. And when he's stable, he still does. I just never know who's going to show up for long and sometimes I miss that "sparkler" for a very long time.....months. Thank you all for listening and sharing your thoughts. Much appreciated. :) [/QUOTE]
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