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Past, Present, Future -- Seeking Your Collective Wisdom?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 635879" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Great question, and great advice.</p><p></p><p>This site is amazing.</p><p></p><p>To what others of us have posted, I would add that I think our reactions are as intense as they are because, over time, the same kinds of traumatic events are stored away together in our brains. One trigger pulls them all out.</p><p>If we've had trauma in our pasts (and each of us has), that's there, too.</p><p></p><p>It isn't just the current problem, and it isn't just the difficult child.</p><p></p><p>It's every unresolved thing, screaming us into fight or flight or freeze.</p><p></p><p>And yet, we feel driven to respond correctly to whatever the situation will turn out to be for that child we love with our whole hearts, but cannot seem to help.</p><p></p><p>More trauma.</p><p></p><p>What if we say the wrong thing, somehow make everything worse?</p><p></p><p>So, we need to give ourselves kudos for our courage and bravery. And we need to marvel at the depth and quality of the love we hold for our children, and even for estranged family members.</p><p></p><p>If we didn't care deeply about them, If we hadn't believed they were capable of better than what we got from them, there would have been no trauma.</p><p></p><p>So the real truth here, impossible to see while we are in the heart of the battle, is that we are amazingly strong women responding to circumstances impossible to foresee without so much as a compass to tell us we're handling things well. We keep trying different tactics with all our hearts, and nothing works.</p><p></p><p>So we find it hard to hold faith with ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Over time, we lose confidence in our capacities to even assess the situation correctly.</p><p></p><p>We wonder what magical piece we are missing that other moms seem to have.</p><p></p><p>Before we can get a handle on any of it, we need to let that image every mom holds of her child as strong and filled with potential crumble a little bit.</p><p></p><p>Those are hard admissions to make.</p><p></p><p>When we first begin acknowledging what is really happening to our kids, we wonder what in the world is the matter with us for thinking that way.</p><p></p><p>More trauma, for us, and renewed efforts to find a better way to approach what is happening to our families.</p><p></p><p>And that stupid phone rings.</p><p></p><p>And it's night.</p><p></p><p>Everybody got a sick chill there, right?</p><p></p><p>Every bit of our situations is traumatic.</p><p></p><p>Even just trying to sleep.</p><p></p><p>We begin to feel like we are trapped in some diabolic maze where whichever way we turn brings some equally unforeseen worse thing.</p><p></p><p>It helped me to name the nature of the trauma. That's why I listed all that stuff above. We need to acknowledge the living horror of our situations. We are standing up and never giving up against impossible, unknowable odds.</p><p></p><p>Just like soldiers on a battlefield, we are scared.</p><p></p><p>That's okay.</p><p></p><p>We might say the wrong thing.</p><p></p><p>That's okay.</p><p></p><p>You know in your heart what your intentions are.</p><p></p><p>For every parent in our positions, that is the only thing you do know, for sure. Other parents bask in the reflected glow of their successful children's accomplishments. They are able to pat themselves on the back and hold themselves and their parenting skills up as examples for everyone to follow.</p><p></p><p>That actually happened to me.</p><p></p><p>There was a time, not so long ago, when I thought we had pulled everything together after all. I would be all "Oh yes, my child blah, blah, blah."</p><p></p><p>I wasn't so quick to mention my children at all when it all fell apart one more time.</p><p></p><p>All these things are eating away at the heart of who we once believed ourselves to be.</p><p></p><p>It helps me to remember that it is the situation that is bad. Not me, and not my difficult child. </p><p></p><p>However this happened, it was not my intent.</p><p></p><p>Nor was it my difficult child's intent.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is. There may not be a solution. That doesn't mean I am not going to do my best, either to turn this thing around, or to accept that it is what it is and go on from there.</p><p></p><p>It helps me to say a little prayer before I pick up the phone.</p><p></p><p>Annie Lamont, one of Recovering's favorite writers, says there are really only three prayers:</p><p></p><p>HELP</p><p></p><p>THANKS</p><p></p><p>WOW</p><p></p><p>Know that, as you always do, you will do the best you know.</p><p></p><p>Keep a gratitude journal. You will be surprised how deeply that simple practice will change the trauma response.</p><p></p><p>Last thing.</p><p></p><p>We really are under attack, here. There is no way that I know of to stop loving, or to stop wanting to protect, our children of whatever age.</p><p></p><p>It gets to be about choosing to survive it. It gets to be about trying anything and everything to give ourselves strength and courage to face whatever comes next and...joy, real joy, and real rest in the present moment.</p><p></p><p>It's hard to get there, though.</p><p></p><p>It's wonderful to have the site, and one another. That had been the most healing thing.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 635879, member: 17461"] Great question, and great advice. This site is amazing. To what others of us have posted, I would add that I think our reactions are as intense as they are because, over time, the same kinds of traumatic events are stored away together in our brains. One trigger pulls them all out. If we've had trauma in our pasts (and each of us has), that's there, too. It isn't just the current problem, and it isn't just the difficult child. It's every unresolved thing, screaming us into fight or flight or freeze. And yet, we feel driven to respond correctly to whatever the situation will turn out to be for that child we love with our whole hearts, but cannot seem to help. More trauma. What if we say the wrong thing, somehow make everything worse? So, we need to give ourselves kudos for our courage and bravery. And we need to marvel at the depth and quality of the love we hold for our children, and even for estranged family members. If we didn't care deeply about them, If we hadn't believed they were capable of better than what we got from them, there would have been no trauma. So the real truth here, impossible to see while we are in the heart of the battle, is that we are amazingly strong women responding to circumstances impossible to foresee without so much as a compass to tell us we're handling things well. We keep trying different tactics with all our hearts, and nothing works. So we find it hard to hold faith with ourselves. Over time, we lose confidence in our capacities to even assess the situation correctly. We wonder what magical piece we are missing that other moms seem to have. Before we can get a handle on any of it, we need to let that image every mom holds of her child as strong and filled with potential crumble a little bit. Those are hard admissions to make. When we first begin acknowledging what is really happening to our kids, we wonder what in the world is the matter with us for thinking that way. More trauma, for us, and renewed efforts to find a better way to approach what is happening to our families. And that stupid phone rings. And it's night. Everybody got a sick chill there, right? Every bit of our situations is traumatic. Even just trying to sleep. We begin to feel like we are trapped in some diabolic maze where whichever way we turn brings some equally unforeseen worse thing. It helped me to name the nature of the trauma. That's why I listed all that stuff above. We need to acknowledge the living horror of our situations. We are standing up and never giving up against impossible, unknowable odds. Just like soldiers on a battlefield, we are scared. That's okay. We might say the wrong thing. That's okay. You know in your heart what your intentions are. For every parent in our positions, that is the only thing you do know, for sure. Other parents bask in the reflected glow of their successful children's accomplishments. They are able to pat themselves on the back and hold themselves and their parenting skills up as examples for everyone to follow. That actually happened to me. There was a time, not so long ago, when I thought we had pulled everything together after all. I would be all "Oh yes, my child blah, blah, blah." I wasn't so quick to mention my children at all when it all fell apart one more time. All these things are eating away at the heart of who we once believed ourselves to be. It helps me to remember that it is the situation that is bad. Not me, and not my difficult child. However this happened, it was not my intent. Nor was it my difficult child's intent. It is what it is. There may not be a solution. That doesn't mean I am not going to do my best, either to turn this thing around, or to accept that it is what it is and go on from there. It helps me to say a little prayer before I pick up the phone. Annie Lamont, one of Recovering's favorite writers, says there are really only three prayers: HELP THANKS WOW Know that, as you always do, you will do the best you know. Keep a gratitude journal. You will be surprised how deeply that simple practice will change the trauma response. Last thing. We really are under attack, here. There is no way that I know of to stop loving, or to stop wanting to protect, our children of whatever age. It gets to be about choosing to survive it. It gets to be about trying anything and everything to give ourselves strength and courage to face whatever comes next and...joy, real joy, and real rest in the present moment. It's hard to get there, though. It's wonderful to have the site, and one another. That had been the most healing thing. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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