I've spent since the weekend before Thanksgiving this past year until the day I was admitted to the hospital almost 2 weeks ago in shock. I survived by doing what needed to be done however I shut down in so many ways. When I was admitted to the hospital they put me in a room 5 down from the room husband was in for 3 weeks before he died. I started crying & cried for 2 days straight.....the first I'd been able to start the grief process. There's been too much in the way. Since being discharged I find I start crying at any time for any reason or so it seems. This past week I'd found that I missed several items in the "business of death". I couldn't believe that there was more. I don't want to haul out one more death certificate or talk to one more person about it. I find I'm not sleeping for days on end. When I do sleep I wake up in tears. And it's becoming very real to me that husband is gone. Really gone. I'd never prepared myself for that....didn't think I there was a need to prepare myself. I'm dealing with guilt & anger. Mostly anger. The man I spent 22 years with ~ 20 of them married, chose to move into a motel to finish off the long business of suicide. He chose to drink rather than seek help. He had to know he was ill - end stage liver disease just doesn't show up. It's there for a long time but he refused to see a doctor. My sister in law picked up husband's things from the motel & there were 3 quarts of whiskey & 1 half gone. I spent the majority of 3 almost 4 weeks by his bedside as much as humanly possible; fighting for a dignified death. All this for a man whom I loved beyond reason; for a man who couldn't/wouldn't stop his self harming ways. The reality is here. I hate this reality. I hate having to meet with lawyers to set up powers of attorney; to beg someone to take on the tweedles as guardians if necessary (looks as though it will be the county). My children are falling to pieces ~ husband was the first man they trusted ~ loved. This is all so very wrong. So very very wrong.