I stunk worse than a 9yo boys feet at this for the LONGEST time. It was really hard for me.
I eventually learned some things. One was to pick my battles. It was easy to hear someone say this and hard to figure out how to let minor things slide.
The book, "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene has some excellent tools. I strongly suggest reading it, and the author has a new book out and I also recommend that one. In The Explosive Child the author talks about sorting things into baskets. BasketA is the stuff you simply can NOT tolerate and will do anything to stop. It is for the really important things, like hurting yourself or others. Then there is Basket B. It contains those things you don't like and want to change. They will move to A when you have the desired behaviors in A established firmly.
After that you have Basket C. It is the non-important stuff, stuff you will just bite your tongue over. Clothing comes in this basket for me, as long as the "B's" are covered - you know, booty, boobs, bras, all those things! stains on their clothes, looking unkempt, hairstyle, if thank you wants to watch tv while standing on his head on the couch, all that stuff.
Basket C should have more items in it. Basket A should have just 1 or 2, MAYBE 3 items. For us Basket A had medication compliance (aka taking his medications), no drug, alcohol or tobacco use, and do not hurt anyone. Not even yourself (Wiz was cutting for a while.)
These are all great ideas. But when you are seeing red, steam is coming out your ears or is about to, etc... is going on, THAT is when it is HARD to stick with the "baskets".
I finally was given a book written for moms about anger. It described the physical sensations that occur when you start to get angry. It talks about how to handle it. It even talks about what to do after you lose your call and act like an idiot. I was able to identify my level of anger based on the PHYSICAL symptoms I was feeling. Rather than work on controlling my anger after it appeared, or I lost control and yelled, I learned to stop before I got angry.
The book is called "She's Gonna Blow: Real Help for Moms Dealing With Anger" by Julie Ann Barnhill and here is a link to the book on amazon.com :
http://www.amazon.com/Shes-Gonna-Bl...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1246527123&sr=1-1 The price ranges from just ofer $10 to used at a starting price of under $4. It turned my behavior around and really gave me tools to handle it.
Time out for MOM also works. I would tell the kids I needed time out and they could do A, B or C until it was a certain time. It kept me sane at times!
Gentle hugs to you! Remember If Momma Isn't Happy, NO ONE is Happy.