Paying for treatment

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Master Holepatcher, May 18, 2009.

  1. Master Holepatcher

    Master Holepatcher Need more spackling!

    I don't even know where to begin - I "aquired" two little boys when I married their father. They were 3 and 7 at the time, and had been living with their mom - a junkie, and her new husband, also a junkie. Her new husband beat her in front of the kids and the two of them were high all of the time.

    When we got custody they couldn't even use silverware properly. They were completely out of control. The youngest was kicked out of daycare, the oldest spent most of 2nd grade in ISS. We went through several therapists and psychiatrists who simply said ADHD and gave them some medications. I discovered that the oldest -RP- was lying through his teeth to the various Doctors. So I finally called social services and asked them who they send foster kids too and made an appointment with that guy. We were able to get him in, but not until after he was suspended from 4th grade for a knife at school (there were several other suspentions but that was the one the ended with him missing the entire last 2 months of the school year). In the mean time he'd become physically violent with me. The new Dr has been a godsend, but they can only help as much as the kid is willing to work. RP is diagnosed with ADHD, Depression, PTSD, and ODD. As he gets older, things have gone from bad to worse - we have holes in the walls of our house, and though his little brother is now doing very well, RP is both verbally and physically abusive to him.

    We're now at the end of the 5th grade year and we've dealt with theft, bomb threats, physical violence, holes in the wall, more weapons, death threats towards both his biological mom and myself (I'm Step Mom) and ended with him spending the last week in acute care at a mental facility after trying to hang himself with his belt, then attacking his brother, stealing, and kicking yet another hole in a wall.

    My current dilemma is this - his Dr wants him in residential for 6-12 months for "reprogramming" however my insurance doesn't have any coverage for sub-acute residential, and his mom's medicaid is denying that he needs it. He comes home tomorrow even though every Dr there says he needs to go to residential. I can't afford $600 per day for 12 months, and if the medicaid won't cover it, I guess we're stuck. I don't want to wait for a court order, I want him to get the help he needs NOW. Does anyone have any ideas... I'm so exhausted and he's not even my kid. I'm becoming so resentful that I don't even want to see him. Help me think of something.
  2. jcox

    jcox New Member

    Your husband could inquire about getting voluntary assistance from DCF or whatever your state's Child Protective Services are called. That is how we got my stepson into his residential placement. They cost share half paid for through DCF and half through our local school system. I know that most parents don't want to get involved with DCF but they can be helpful.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    When you married your hub, you signed up for his kids too, and they were probably difficult even back then. They are a package deal. This child may have been exposed to drugs and/or alcohol while mom was pregnant with him--the way he is in my opinion is not his fault. He seems like a typically abused child who hasn't bonded with anyone and is on his way to huge problems because of it. I'm not sure what "reprogramming" is or if that can work--never heard of it. He could have reactive attachment disorder of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. Face it, if mom did drugs while she was pregnant with the boy, she didn't say "no" to alcohol either. I'm guessing he WAS exposed to some toxins before his birth. Sorry if I'm wrong here...

    I'd also involve social services. No matter how he got to be dangerous, or why he is, he is dangerous and I wouldn't want him at home either. But I wouldn't blame him for the way he behaves. He lived with two junkies??? Why didn't your hub get the kids sooner? At any rate, that's what I'd do now--call social services and ask for help. He is out of control.
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I absolutely LOVE your screen name! You've really bitten off a lot to chew on! I admire you for stepping up with these kiddos and really feel you have the right to want to go and scream!

    I don't know what state you're located in, but what I would do is a search on the web for "free parent advocate + your state". We have Community Resources, Parent to Parent, etc. Also, check your Department of Mental Health, they may be able to help you as well.

    We're here for you...if you'd like, I'll try and help you out with searches.

    Welcome to the crowd - sorry you had to find us, but glad you did!

  5. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Welcome, you have my sympathies. Being a responsible step mom is a thankless task. You get all the **** and have no authority.
    Does he have a case manager?
    I wish I knew more about the system but there is a way to do this. I hope some of the mom's who got their children the help they need through county and state children;s services answer this thread.

    I don't blame you a bit for feeling resentful. Heck mine are bio's, and there have been a day or two when I was resentful. If things turn around with this kid and he stops attacking you and his brother, there would be hope but as long as he is violent he shouldn't come home. You and your other s son are in danger. Where is your husband in all of this? Is he stepping in and stepping up?
  6. WSM

    WSM New Member

    This is what we were told tonight by difficult child's psychiatrist.

    Your story sounds so much like mine it's spooky. I'm a stepmother too with two full custody stepchildren and a stepson who took weapons to school 4 times (and has 3 felony convictions) by his 11th birthday. He's accused us of abuse, drawn a picture of him murdering his little sister two ways, arranged for his own kidnapping, and so much more. Do a search on my handle. I don't have too many answers, but you will see you are not alone...and maybe it will make you feel better and less adrift. Hugs to you, I'm sssoooooooooo sorry you have to deal with this.
  7. Master Holepatcher

    Master Holepatcher Need more spackling!

    Thank you all for your kind words - I know I signed up for a lot when I married into the family, but at the same time I was incredibly naive when it came to all of this. I truely believed at that time that they just needed love and structure... it wasn't until I got into the picture that they received any help. Their Dad was in denial for a while and each of their biological parents and grandparents were so busy pointing fingers that it never occured to anyone to take them to a Dr.

    It took me 6 months of arguing with all of them before they would allow me to take them to a Dr... most of their family is still in denial and thinks that I'm the crazy one - my favorite line is "They're just little boys, they are supposed to act like that." I honestly believe that in addition to the drugs and alcohol done while they were in the womb, that there are significant mental issues on both sides of the family, and they all give off a severe anti-authority vibe. Many of the extended family members have spent time in prison, AA, rehabs etc. So they both have several strikes against them already in that respect.

    Their dad tries, but he wasn't raised in a healthy family and really needs therapy himself however he refuses to entertain that notion.

    The part that is really frustrating is when a parent knows that their child needs help, but there is no way to pay for that help. I mean we both work, but we make just enough so that we dont qualify for any kind of aid or assistance - We finally got them to consider him for disability, I didn't want it for the money so much as the status to help us with our ever going battle with the school systems. But it looks like they intend to send him about $100 a month, which will at least help defray the $400 a month in medications alone we spend (and that's WITH insurance).

    And to clarify the "Reprogramming" that is my word, I had to use it to try to explain to my husband that they wanted to do. The plan is intensive therapy and re-education on basic social skills and functioning within the limits of society. We've also considered a wilderness program - I don't know how much those cost, but from what the therapists have explained it sounds like he might actually benefit from something like that. I just dont' see where people get the money from to be able to help their kids the way they need to. I love him too much to let him continue down the track he's on, but I can't be the one to save him since he won't let me.