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Peace among the storm
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 727445" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>The above quotes are what I am responding to newstart.......for the reasons you stated, I would encourage you to try something different where you are not subjected to her lies. Being lied to is horrific. It may keep the peace for you to simply listen, but geez, at what cost to you? There is no cost to your daughter, YOU are absorbing all of the negatives, all of the hurts. I suggest you stop it.</p><p></p><p>My codependency therapist told me that I "absorbed the deficiencies of others." That was my codependent solution (which gratefully I've let go of!) It sounds as if it is yours too. Don't do it. If she's manic then tell her that her mania is debilitating for you (or whatever word works for you) you can't/won't do it anymore. Protect yourself. Take care of yourself. You don't have to make a scene about it, simply say "I am no longer going to listen to untruths. If you say anything that I believe is not the truth, I am not going to debate it with you, I will simply end the conversation or I will leave." Or more simply, "I need to take care of myself around your mania, it is unhealthy for me." If you begin to set boundaries around the behaviors that you are not willing to tolerate, she is smart, she will likely discontinue the behavior. My daughter did, each and every time.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My guess is the last line is likely correct, "to keep you confused and in turmoil." This is not a relationship that is healthy for you. I know how hard it is, but, it really sounds as if it would be much better for you if you limited your time with your daughter to the barest of minimums.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You're teaching her that her lies are ok. You're teaching her she doesn't have to respect you because she can pull the wool over your eyes continually. I would guess that she knows she's lying.</p><p></p><p> We become so accustomed to bizarre, destructive, disastrous, non sensical, lying, manipulative behavior, we allow it......and in the allowing of it, we take it in and send the message that it is OK for them to continue. <strong><u><em>It is NOT OK. Do not allow it. </em></u></strong></p><p><strong><u><em></em></u></strong></p><p>Remember, people treat us exactly as we allow them to.</p><p></p><p>Instead of YOU bending reality and yourself to accommodate your daughter's behaviors, figure out what you're willing to put up with and what you're not and communicate it clearly to your daughter. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that you should tolerate lying.</p><p></p><p>I know how tough this is, I've been there too. Take your power back newstart. Your daughter is running amok with lying, don't allow it..... for your sake..... AND for hers too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 727445, member: 13542"] The above quotes are what I am responding to newstart.......for the reasons you stated, I would encourage you to try something different where you are not subjected to her lies. Being lied to is horrific. It may keep the peace for you to simply listen, but geez, at what cost to you? There is no cost to your daughter, YOU are absorbing all of the negatives, all of the hurts. I suggest you stop it. My codependency therapist told me that I "absorbed the deficiencies of others." That was my codependent solution (which gratefully I've let go of!) It sounds as if it is yours too. Don't do it. If she's manic then tell her that her mania is debilitating for you (or whatever word works for you) you can't/won't do it anymore. Protect yourself. Take care of yourself. You don't have to make a scene about it, simply say "I am no longer going to listen to untruths. If you say anything that I believe is not the truth, I am not going to debate it with you, I will simply end the conversation or I will leave." Or more simply, "I need to take care of myself around your mania, it is unhealthy for me." If you begin to set boundaries around the behaviors that you are not willing to tolerate, she is smart, she will likely discontinue the behavior. My daughter did, each and every time. My guess is the last line is likely correct, "to keep you confused and in turmoil." This is not a relationship that is healthy for you. I know how hard it is, but, it really sounds as if it would be much better for you if you limited your time with your daughter to the barest of minimums. You're teaching her that her lies are ok. You're teaching her she doesn't have to respect you because she can pull the wool over your eyes continually. I would guess that she knows she's lying. We become so accustomed to bizarre, destructive, disastrous, non sensical, lying, manipulative behavior, we allow it......and in the allowing of it, we take it in and send the message that it is OK for them to continue. [B][U][I]It is NOT OK. Do not allow it. [/I][/U][/B] Remember, people treat us exactly as we allow them to. Instead of YOU bending reality and yourself to accommodate your daughter's behaviors, figure out what you're willing to put up with and what you're not and communicate it clearly to your daughter. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that you should tolerate lying. I know how tough this is, I've been there too. Take your power back newstart. Your daughter is running amok with lying, don't allow it..... for your sake..... AND for hers too. [/QUOTE]
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