Peace... finally.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by cakewalk, Jun 20, 2010.

  1. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member

    What a difference a year makes. As you may know, difficult child wanted to come home last August. It didn't happen. In fact, it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. difficult child said his counseling was a waste of time and refused to discuss anything. The counselor agreed that if he wasn't going to try, he could quit coming. difficult child shut down all communication with me and his counselor after that. I went to my own counselor and started on happy-pills to deal with my grief.

    difficult child was named All-State in his sport in November. I read about it in the newspaper. (Congratulations, son.)

    (Oh... and Happy Thanksgiving.)

    A few days before Christmas, he emailed me that he wanted the bracelet I had bought a few years earlier. (I told him when I bought it that he could give it to a special girl and he'd know who that was in a few years.) I was sure he was taking the easy way out... hand me a few dollars and the girl would be happy... easy. I suggested he go to the mall and find her something. He was angry and said I bought it for him to give away. I told him I also thought I would have a relationship with my son. I didn't hear anything from him, including Christmas day.

    In January, he emailed me telling me to fill out the financial aid forms on line for colleges. I did. The calls from coaches started coming, each telling me that difficult child had told them that I hadn't filled out the forms and he couldn't do anything until I did so. I told every coach that the forms had been filled out and that difficult child hadn't been completely honest with them.

    difficult child called me one night in January or February. He needed a ride to a college visit the next morning at 6:00 a.m. It was a 2 1/2 hour drive each way. I agreed. For both legs of the ride, he talked about himself. He broke up with the girl immediately after Christmas (surprise!) and he's having the time of his life. He had months of paychecks that he hadn't cashed, all the girls want him, etc. Not one time did he ask about us, the dog, easy child... not once... and I offered nothing. I dropped him off at 6:00 p.m. emotionally exhausted.

    Nineteen colleges were interested in him. I sent him his phone messages via text. I received a curt message back: "If a coach calls you again, give them my cell and tell them not to call you again." (You're welcome, sweetie.)

    He called me in the Spring. He signed up for a different sport and he is amazing. Would I come and watch? husband and I went together. We told him to let us know when he wanted us to come and see him again. He never asked us again.

    He needed a ride to work in March. I picked him up, packed a lunch, and drove him to work. He had done nothing with the colleges. He wasn't returning their calls and wasn't worried about it. I dropped him off and within two minutes, he called. He wasn't scheduled to work... "Isn't that hilarious?" he asked followed by, "Good. I didn't feel like working today anyway." I picked him back up and asked him if he wanted to come for dinner. He said yes. His step-siblings were here, as was easy child, and husband. He never once asked any of them how they were, how school was going, etc. He monopolized the entire dinner conversation. For over an hour, we heard about him. When dinner was over, he was ready to go.

    Spring Break he left with friends for Florida and stopped here the day he was leaving. He dropped hints that he had no money (I asked where the months of paychecks went and he admitted he spent it all) and he had no summer shorts that fit. I offered him some of easy child clothes. He turned his nose and declined. He left with nothing.

    He turned 18 over spring break. (Happy Birthday, son.)

    The end of April, he asked if I'd order the corsage for his prom date (back with the girl from Christmas again). I did, and of course, I paid for it in advance and texted him that the corsage could be picked up on Friday. Three days later he asked me if he could have money for a tie. I gave him the money. Prom came and went. No call, no photos, not a thank you. Nothing. (You're welcome again, sweetie.)

    Mother's Day I received a text. It said, "Happy Mother's Day. Enjoy the beautiful, sunny day." I texted him that I would have liked to see photos of his senior prom. He responded that he's "too busy for his own good. Sorry." I have yet to see pictures of my difficult child's senior prom.

    Graduation morning. I received a text from difficult child: "Did you order tickets?" "I did not," I replied. "Would you like any?" he asked.

    OH MY! I called my husband. He said he doesn't know difficult child anymore but he would go and support me if I wanted to go.

    I texted easy child. No response. I waited a half an hour. I texted easy child, "I declined the tickets." easy child immediately texted, "GOOD!"

    I texted difficult child, "No thanks. Good luck to you and congratulations." And that was that... there was no response.

    Some may think I am awful. He reached out... but, he's reached out before and I've accomodated him every, single time... until he wants something again. My heart can only stretch and break so much. My difficult child is 18. He's a man. I wish him nothing but good things. Word on the street is that he applied to the community college (the 19 coaches have apparently moved on without him.) He will not be playing his sport in college and there will be no athletic scholarships to help pay for tuition. (Sigh.)

    But, he is an adult and he's safe. He's still in the gates with the country club access and the lake-front cottage. His life is now his life... and my house and heart has found peace... finally.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'm sorry that all your dreams for him did not come true. Thank you for posting this as it give me hope that one day I will find peace with that as well.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad that finally you have found peace. it is very important that we find a way to do that, even if it means we have no contact with our difficult child. I truly hope that your life is rich and full and teeming with people who love and appreciate you the way you deserve. Thank you so much for sharing this - it gives me hope that I can reach peace after dealing with one of the difficult children in my life.
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sounds like closing the door on this chapter is a good thing. I probably wouldn't even answer him anymore. I sure wouldn't put out money for his social life but I understand that until he finished high school that you felt you should. Now he is done and so are you. Go on with your life.
  5. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Thank you so much for posting. I do not think you are awful, I think you did the right thing. It takes so darn long to catch on to the fact that they are only in touch when they want something and we don't have to jump every time. We are always hoping this time it will be different.

    I am so glad you have found some peace and so glad your easy child supported you when you declined the graduation tickets.

    Hugs to you,
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I think you already know in your heart that giving giving giving and getting little or nothing in return is not serving this young man well. (hugs).
    You might consider limiting phone conversations with him and only supply him with funding (for now) for things of utmost importance...for example school, medicine, etc.
    Nothing wrong with- going to a community college. In fact, I would encourage all efforts to go to school. As long as he goes to school, I would consider helping him with those important things I mentioned. I would not support his social life (like Fran mentioned). If he doesn't go to school....well...not sure I would help him financially at all.
    My guess....this was his actual go to community college.
    Glad you are finding peace....I would go with this!
    If he doesn't wish to go to a counselor and you still feel heartache over all of this...I would go yourself. Enjoy life...move forward. It's your time. He'll figure it all out, in his time. Little to nothing you can do about this. Might as well continue to explore this peace you have mentioned...and let it blossom into profound joy.
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I am so glad that you have gotten to a point where you're able to detach in a healthy, loving way. For YOU, for your own emotional preservation. I am sorry for what you've been through but happy that you've found peace along with the support of H and easy child. Hugs~
  8. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member

    As I've read everyone's recent updates on difficult child's moving home or difficult child's constantly enjoying/creating drama, I feel all of your pain but quietly am relieved that I'm not living that life right now.

    Fran, even though my son wasn't physically in my life/home, I felt responsible to accomodate him whenever possible until he was 18 and finished school. Thank you for recognizing that. When he turned 18 and completed his last day of school (of course, I didn't hear a word from him), an incredible weight was lifted. My son promised my husband and me when he was 16 that he would make our lives "heck" for two years. The two years is now up! He's legally an adult.

    Nomad, there is no communication with my son now and the only conversations/messages since last August are listed in my original post. Never did I receive a "Hello, Mom, just checking in..." call/text.

    There is nothing wrong with community college... if he actually goes through with the entire application process. There is a difference between filling out an online application (not confirmed he even did that, I heard from a third party about the community college) and actually going to the registrar, financial aid office, and having a schedule in hand. I also hope that if he does find himself in college in the fall, that he be disciplined to "attend" classes. Being on an athletic scholarship would entail a mandatory study hall and an expectation of a GPA monitored by the coach. Without the sport, I honestly can't say if he would apply himself. I hope he goes through with ANY college but it's also really sad to hear that he didn't even pursue the 19 coaches that constantly reached out to him and at least listened to what they had to offer.

    Thank you H&R, Jane, JJJ, & Susie for the supportive posts as well. Last August - December I honestly didn't care if I was dead or alive. I was in my lowest place I have ever been. With a fabulous, supportive cast of characters such as my husband, husband's family, my easy child, my doctor, and reading the PE forum almost-daily, everything is going to be okay.
  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so impressed with how you've handled things and have grown in your detachment walk. Hugs.
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Big hugs, CW. I suspect that he wanted a graduation gift, and that is why he asked if you were coming. For M's graduation, we had to demand tickets from the school, and we went for a drink at a nice bar across the street from the event. Since our name begins with "W", we waited about an hour into the event then walked across the street as they were announcing the "S"s. We sat at the back, waited for M, I yelled "Woo Hoo, M!", and we walked out. Some guy standing at the back of the auditorium said really loudly as we walked by "What kind of family is that?" The kind that does their best with an extremely ungrateful child, sir...

    I'm glad that you are feeling well. This is such a difficult thing.